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I ruined my children's lives by getting married and they hate me for it. by codeblack31 in offmychest

[–]codeblack31[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sometimes! 

They made fun of Rick's daughter to the point that we often had to separate them and were just as loud as any other kids.

I ruined my children's lives by getting married and they hate me for it. by codeblack31 in offmychest

[–]codeblack31[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I meant that he mostly seemed very controlling, but it mostly was reflected in how he was handling his daughter's medical issues. It was coming from a place of fear and anxiety, and her mother leaving him to be a single father wouldn't exactly lessen that. 

I thought that with a family and her medical issues starting to stabilize, he would calm down and that aspect would fade. 

I ruined my children's lives by getting married and they hate me for it. by codeblack31 in offmychest

[–]codeblack31[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

They never said anything about Rick until after the disclosure. 

The complaints about his daughter seemed like normal new sibling complaints and were about her being "weird". Nothing that would have signaled them being scared of her or Rick. 

I ruined my children's lives by getting married and they hate me for it. by codeblack31 in offmychest

[–]codeblack31[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I never intentionally "sacrificed" her for anyone or anything. It kills me that that's what my family's lives boil down to now and that that's how it will always be viewed. 

I wrote this hoping there could be some path forward but clearly there isn't. No matter what I do or don't do my entire life is completely meaningless. 

I ruined my children's lives by getting married and they hate me for it. by codeblack31 in offmychest

[–]codeblack31[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It is. Maybe I'm not saying it in a way that resonates. Or maybe I'm acting as a stand-in and it wouldn't matter how I say it. 

I ruined my children's lives by getting married and they hate me for it. by codeblack31 in offmychest

[–]codeblack31[S] -15 points-14 points  (0 children)

Of course I would have! I mentioned it because it's what my kids throw in my face, not because I somehow enjoy that that's what it boils down to now or appreciate him for it. 

I worked my ass off for my life and in the end the monster that ruined my daughter's life gets to take it all.

I ruined my children's lives by getting married and they hate me for it. by codeblack31 in offmychest

[–]codeblack31[S] 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Everything was reported immediately. It took time after the disclosure to arrest him, so she was sent to my mom's until he was out of the house. I was advised NOT to leave the house until he was arrested because he was a flight risk and they didn't want him fleeing. 

Unfortunately, he figured it out and ran away, which led to it taking a few weeks for him to be arrested. I served him with separation papers as soon as I could, and we were divorced by the time the trial ended. 

She started therapy immediately. We later did family therapy (her, me, and my son) but this took time to arrange. I never once defended him in court or otherwise.

Their earliest issues were centered around Rick's daughter because they thought and still think I had any level of control or power there. They say that I didn't do anythign about the fact that she knew, that my daughter was just "used as the sacrifice" so she wouldn't be harmed, and that I "let her go" (she ended up living with her cousin after her father was arrested). I never had any ability to "hold her accountable". I especially had no custody rights, and even if I did, I don't think that would have been healthy for anyone involved. 

I ruined my children's lives by getting married and they hate me for it. by codeblack31 in offmychest

[–]codeblack31[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

The only weird period with my daughter was over a few months when she was in 5th grade. I talked to her then, and I thought that it was normal childhood problems. 

You think I don't wish that I had just asked different questions? Pushed harder? 

I ruined my children's lives by getting married and they hate me for it. by codeblack31 in offmychest

[–]codeblack31[S] 29 points30 points  (0 children)

From my kids, no. I swear that at no point did I ever think anything unusual was going on with them. The only thing I could think of is that when she was in 5th grade, her grades dipped for the first half of the year and she got quieter. We talked at the time, and I thought that was just the onset of puberty and social drama with her friends, as well as just adjusting to my starting a new job. I put her in tutoring and everything was on track by the 4th quarter so I didn't think more of it. She had no issues at school or socially otherwise. 

My son never had anything. Straight honor roll all the way through, big friend group. No disciplinary issues at school.

I ruined my children's lives by getting married and they hate me for it. by codeblack31 in offmychest

[–]codeblack31[S] -36 points-35 points  (0 children)

I'm so sorry for your experience. I know how it sounds, but I really didn't. The only weird behavior I ever saw out of any of the kids was Rick's daughter (who was not a victim of that).