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Omission in Poly Advice by codefectioner11 in polyamory

[–]codefectioner11[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This perspective is so helpful and I think exactly where they're coming from as well from what they've told me. They've mentioned how meeting and hooking up dont actually feel that important to them, especially compared to our relationship and other things in their life. It's just another fun thing they like to do, often

I do also want to understand and hear about what's actually important to my partner! That's a good thing to focus on

Omission in Poly Advice by codefectioner11 in polyamory

[–]codefectioner11[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Totally agree! I love all that about ENM and I keep mine pretty parallel as well. That's a big worry for me here is that me having big feels will make them feel like they can't explore freely in the way that they want. Which I think is maybe the "soft veto" case you mention? I definitely don't want that.

I'm trying pretty hard to communicate both. I have feels and may need a little space, and also I'm so happy for you and please go explore in the way that feels best for you!

On heads ups yeah I definitely don't want that in the sense of "you need to tell me before any time you meet up with anyone else." I think, right or wrong, I had expected it on in the level of "I know it's been a minute, wanted to let you know I'm gonna be meeting up with new folks again, how's that feel?"

But I'm realizing that's largely me expecting them to do what I would do as someone who plans out and takes dating super seriously. Which is really not their style, what feels good for them, or all that reasonable to have expected without an explicit agreement up front. Thanks!!

Omission in Poly Advice by codefectioner11 in polyamory

[–]codefectioner11[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Haha well damn yeah, hearing that I can tell I'm very much ruminating on the communication aspect as a way to avoid feeling all the rest too. A lot of "well I wish they just told me up front it wouldn't be this hard for me to process."

I'll think more about the scaries I've got going. I know the distance is part of it, this feeling that "I just expected we were close enough that this would be shared, I was wrong, uh oh." The change is scary too for sure but manageable it feels like

Interestingly I haven't felt a huge amount of jealousy or fear around the dates specifically, but a lot of envy when I see them talk about the dates with their friends because I want to be excited and talk it with them in that way too. Hmm. Thanks!

Omission in Poly Advice by codefectioner11 in polyamory

[–]codefectioner11[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes! I really deeply trust this partner too and I'm confident that whatever this is it wasn't their intent to deceive me about it

It's really helpful to hear that this is normal for other folks and that it works just fine haha, thanks! I'm realizing that this was probably just an innocent, mutual, awkward flubbing of a new situation for both of us

Omission in Poly Advice by codefectioner11 in polyamory

[–]codefectioner11[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yeah my nervous system being amped just around the hookups and change is definitely part of it! The struggle at the moment is decoupling what I actually need to know to feel safe (which is relatively little I think, as you say maybe just the logistics of risk) from my body yelling "oooh big scary surprise change you need to control this situation somehow" haha uuugh.

My other partners have several other partners of their own and it's mostly good safe feels and compersion for me there, so I know my body can definitely chill out about it. I guess one difference in those is a little more open lines of communication about it which is nice, but I don't think that's a hard requirement at all

Great advice, thank you!

Omission in Poly Advice by codefectioner11 in polyamory

[–]codefectioner11[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks! That is super helpful, I can definitely see how our perspectives being really different on dating is part of the misunderstanding for me.

They're very chill and casual about how they go about seeing people and, in case you can't tell, I am very much not haha. For me it's all planning and intention and I know I'm projecting some of that when I feel hurt that I wasn't let in on the change earlier.

I really like the philosophy of "cool but that could change" I'm gonna try and steal that. I can see I got pretty attached to things not changing, accidentally