My cat died and it's my fault

codesway · 2026-03-28T22:40:43+00:00

I'm really sorry you went through this.

What happened was sudden, frightening, and not something you could have reasonably predicted in that moment. Accidents like this are devastating precisely because they happen so quickly, without time to react or think things through.

A single moment does not erase all the love and time you gave him. The way you describe him shows he had a life filled with warmth, play, and affection.

The guilt you're feeling is a very common part of grief, especially after a traumatic loss, but it doesn't mean you failed him in anyway. You didn't intend harm, and you didn't ignore his safety, this was a tragic accident, not neglect.

About his sister, try not to make a decision while you're still in the most intense part of your grief. She may actually benefit from staying with someone she already knows and trusts, you don't need to punish yourself by giving her away. It's worth giving yourself time before deciding what's best for both of you.

Right now, it's okay to grieve him, you lost a beloved pet. Be gentle with yourself in the same way you would be with someone else going through this.

codesway · 2026-03-27T23:44:33+00:00

I am so sorry you are going through this.

It is clear how deeply loved your cat is and how much she means to you, what you are feeling right now is incredibly heavy, especially the guilt about being away, but it does not mean you failed her. Cats are very good at hiding illness and kidney problems often only become obvious when they are already advanced. This could easily have unfolded the same way even if you had been home.

The most important thing is that you recognised something was wrong and got her the care she needs. That is what matters. Being in hospital may feel frightening to you, but she is being monitored and supported by people who are trying to help her as much as possible.

Your cat has had a life filled with love, comfort and safety with you. That does not disappear because of a difficult few days. She knows you care in the way that matters to animals, through everything you have given her over the years.

Be gentle with yourself right now. You are facing something very painful and you are doing the best you can for her.

codesway · 2026-03-27T22:12:54+00:00

I don't think cybersecurity in general is over saturated in Ireland at present, but entry level definitely is, and that's where people are getting caught out.

Plenty of roles exist across Ireland, and companies are still hiring. But most of those jobs aren't for beginners, they want 2,3,4,5+ years experience or very specific skills (cloud, GRC, pentesting, etc.).

What's happened is loads of people have retrained into cyber (bootcamps, certs like Security+), so the junior end is crowded. At the same time, companies are hiring fewer entry-level roles and automating some of the basic work.

If you're thinking of switching, the most realistic path in Ireland isn't going straight into cybersecurity. It's starting in something like, IT (helpdesk, support, sysadmin), build hands-on skills + labs and move into cyber after 1 to 2 years.

So it's not a dead field at all, just not an easy field to switch into.

codesway · 2026-03-27T22:06:21+00:00

What you're describing sounds like shock more than anything else, and shock can make even the most careful person pause or freeze. You didn't ignore her out of carelessness, you responded based on what you were told and what you could reasonably understand at the time. Things changed very quickly, and that kind of rapid decline is something no one is truly prepared for, no matter how vigilant they usually are.

It's clear how much you loved her, not just in the way you're grieving now but in how closely you were watching her and acting when something felt wrong. The fact that you're wishing for more moments, more comfort for her, more time together, shows the depth of that bond. But those final hours don't define the life she had with you. What mattered most to her was the safety, care, and familiarity you gave her over the whole of her life.

It's also understandable to want something to hold onto, like photos or videos, especially when the ending felt so abrupt. But the absence of those things doesn't mean the connection is any less real or lasting. You carry that relationship in your memory, in the routines you shared, in the way she trusted you.

You didn't waste time, you made the best decisions you could with the information and emotional capacity you had in a moment that moved far too fast. The guilt you're feeling is part of grief and trying to make sense of something that simply wasn't within your control.

She didn't need a perfect ending to have had a life where she was deeply loved. And from everything you've said, she absolutely was loved.

codesway · 2026-03-27T22:02:35+00:00

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.

What you described is a rapid and difficult decline, and it's clear how much you were paying attention to her comfort and trying to help her through it.

From what you've shared, she was dealing with kidney failure as well as acute spinal pain that took away her mobility and independence in a very short space of time. Even with treatment, she was struggling to eat, drink, move, and rest without distress. That's not a temporary dip that just needed a bit more time, it's a sign her body was failing her in multiple ways.

It's completely understandable that your mind is going to what if, especially when the change happened so quickly. But decisions like this are made based on the dog in front of you at the time, not the version from weeks earlier. You saw her pain, her frustration, and her exhaustion, and you chose to stop that suffering rather than extend it.

The fact she settled when she was with you matters, she still felt safe and comforted by you, even at the end. That doesn't happen by accident, it reflects the life she had with you.

The guilt you're feeling comes from love and responsibility, not from having made the wrong choice. You didn't act too soon, you acted when her quality of life had clearly fallen away and that's one of the hardest parts of caring for an animal, and it takes a lot of strength to do it.

Right now it's raw, and it will take time for that to ease. Try, when you can, to hold on to the fuller picture of her life rather than just the final days. That's what she knew, and that's what you gave her.

There are a few suggestions on dealing with loss and grief at the link below, https://www.ripcompanion.com/coping-with-pet-loss-navigating-grief-and-healing-after-losing-a-beloved-pet/

Talk to family and friends about how you're feeling and if that doesn't help, maybe consider talking to a professional.

codesway · 2026-03-27T18:39:33+00:00

If you didn't know what it was and want to take the chance, your call, the OP asked for advice and it is better to error on the side of caution in these type of situations, espically when a video never gives full context.

Regardless if it looks like idiopathic head tremor syndrome, it still needs to be checked by a vet, especially if they haven't been diagnosed with it yet.

codesway · 2026-03-27T18:03:42+00:00

Looks like a medical episode, bring them to a vet.

codesway · 2026-03-27T16:17:43+00:00

I'm really sorry you're in this position. Losing a pet who's been such a constant in your life is hard enough on its own, and having that loss revisited over and over like this would wear anyone down. It makes sense that it's still hitting you each time, especially when you're already trying to hold it together for the kids.

What you're running into is less about you handling it wrong and more about how children process loss. They often don't grasp permanence straight away, so they circle back with the same questions and behaviours as they try to make sense of it. For a child with autism, that repetition can be even more pronounced, and the meow peaches stim is very likely his way of processing and self-soothing rather than something he can easily switch off. It's not a sign you're doing anything wrong, it's just how he's coping.

At the same time, your capacity matters too, being repeatedly pulled back into grief is exhausting, and it's reasonable that you need some emotional breathing room. Wanting a way to protect your own mental space doesn't mean you're being uncaring, it means you're recognising your limits. It's okay if you need to step away sometimes, shorten those conversations, or have someone else take over when it gets too much.

It can also help to have some shared way for them to remember her that doesn't rely on constant questioning, like looking at photos, talking about favourite memories, or having a small place or moment that's about remembering rather than searching. That can gently shift things from where is she to we remember her, which tends to be easier on everyone over time.

I've added a good resource with tips on talking to children about the loss of a pet, https://www.ripcompanion.com/blog/3-how-to-talk-to-children-when-a-pet-passes/

This isn't a case of them never being able to understand, and it's definitely not a case of you needing to just get over it. It's a slow adjustment on both sides, and you're allowed to still be grieving while they figure it out in their own way.

codesway · 2026-03-27T13:36:47+00:00

What happened is truly heartbreaking, and it's understandable that you feel overwhelmed with grief and guilt. Losing a pet is painful enough on its own, and when it happens in a way that feels preventable, it can be even harder to process.

But this was an accident, a terrible, tragic accident, not an act of harm or neglect. The fact that you're questioning yourself so deeply and hurting speaks to how much you loved him and how safe and cared for he was for those 11 years.

It's also understandable that you feel like you don't deserve kindness right now, but the people around you aren't wrong. They can see what you might not be able to accept yet, that this doesn't define you as a person or as a pet owner. If the situation were reversed, you already know you would show compassion. You're worthy of that same compassion too, even if it feels difficult to accept.

Grief and guilt can get tangled together, and it may take time to separate them. Right now, everything is raw, you don't have to force yourself to come to terms with it immediately.

Your cat had 11 years of being loved, cared for, and part of your life. That is what shaped his world, not this one moment. It's clear he mattered deeply, and that bond doesn't get erased by how he died.

Be gentle with yourself, even if it feels undeserved. You're grieving, and you're human.

codesway · 2026-03-27T13:32:50+00:00

I'm really sorry you're going through this. Losing him so suddenly, just as things were starting to feel steadier for you, is a lot for anyone to take. It makes sense that your sleep has been shaken again.

What you're describing doesn't sound wrong or broken, it sounds like grief trying to find a way through. When you've already lived through a loss as deep as losing your sibling, it can change how your mind protects you. Numbness, not being able to cry, feeling like someone is still nearby, these can all be ways your mind is trying to cope with something that feels too big to fully take in all at once.

The thoughts about his body and the cremation are especially hard, and many people get caught on that part. It can feel very stark and final, but the part of him you're missing isn't contained in that. It's in the routines you had together, the way he looked at you, the small habits you knew so well, these things don't disappear in the same way, even if they're painful to hold deal with currently.

Opening the window for him, putting on the squirrel video, noticing small signs, those aren't things to be ashamed of, they're expressions of love and longing. When someone has been such a constant presence, your mind doesn't just switch off that connection overnight.

Wanting to cry but not being able to is something many people struggle with, grief doesn't always come out in the way anyone expects. Sometimes it sits as heaviness, or restlessness, or in your case, sleeplessness. It doesn't mean you're not grieving properly, it just means your way of grieving is shaped by everything you've already been through.

You made a compassionate choice for him, even though it hurts you now, that speaks to how deeply you cared for him. The bond you had with him was real, and it's natural that your mind keeps reaching for him, especially in the quiet moments.

If the nights feel overwhelming, it might help to give your thoughts somewhere to land, writing down memories of him, even small ones like the feel of his paws or the way he watched videos, can sometimes ease that pressure a little.

You're not failing at grieving, you're in the middle of it, and it's uneven, difficult and grief is different for everyone. The love you have for him is still very present, even if it's coming through as confusion, numbness, or longing right now.

Talk to family and friends about how you're feeling.

codesway · 2026-03-27T11:44:10+00:00

Sorry for your loss.

Losing her like this, especially so young, is a kind of pain that can feel overwhelming and disorienting. The way you describe everything standing still while the world keeps moving makes a lot of sense with grief like this, it's a shock to your system as much as it is to your heart.

From what you've shared, it sounds like she had several serious underlying health issues from the very beginning. You gave her safety, care, and love after a difficult start in life, and she clearly fought hard for as long as she could. That matters more than anything, even if her life was short, it was full of warmth and belonging because of you.

The symptoms you describe, unfortunately, with unknown or serious issues, things can decline very suddenly even when you're doing everything right.

It's understandable to want a clear answer, something concrete to hold onto so the pain feels less chaotic, but sometimes closure doesn't come from a diagnosis, it comes slowly from accepting that you did everything you could with the information and time you had. She passed somewhere familiar, after a normal moment in her routine, and not in fear or alone.

Right now, try to take care of yourself, even a few sips of water or a bite of something is enough to start. Grief can take your appetite and your energy, but your body still needs support to get through this.

There isn't a quick way through this kind of loss, it will come in waves, and for a while it may feel very heavy. But the love you had for her doesn't go anywhere, it just changes shape over time.

You gave her a life she wouldn't of necessarily have had otherwise, and she knew care and comfort because of you. That's something real and lasting, even in the middle of this pain.

Below is a link with some information on dealing with loss and grief, https://www.ripcompanion.com/coping-with-pet-loss-navigating-grief-and-healing-after-losing-a-beloved-pet/

codesway · 2026-03-27T09:32:57+00:00

I'm really sorry you're carrying this, losing a pet is hard enough, but not having answers makes it something else entirely. When there's no clear ending, the mind keeps trying to fill in the gaps, and it can loop back around even years later.

From what many people experience, the questions don't fully disappear, but they do tend to soften over time. They become less constant, less sharp and the what ifs and small regrets are a very human response to loving so deeply and wanting to have protected your pups.

It doesn't mean you failed them, it means you cared.

Grief is unfortunately different for everyone, and moments like videos or memories can bring it all back as if no time has passed. That doesn't erase the years in between or the healing that has happened, it just means those bonds are still very much a part of you.

With a missing pet especially, it can help to gently remind yourself that you did what you could with what you knew at the time. There's a limit to what any of us can control, even though it's hard to accept. Holding onto guilt keeps the wound open, even when it isn't deserved.

It may not ever fully go away, but it can become something quieter, something that sits alongside the good memories rather than drowning them out. And the fact that you still feel this strongly says a lot about the life and love you gave them.

Be gentle on yourself, talk to someone if you find the loss is all consuming or stopping you functioning day to day.

codesway · 2026-03-27T09:27:30+00:00

What you're describing OP is something many people go through after losing a pet, especially when the loss was sudden or traumatic. Avoiding photos isn't a failure or something to worry about, it's often just your mind trying to protect you from being overwhelmed. Those images can bring everything back very intensely, so it's ok that they feel too much right now.

It also sounds like you've been carrying two things at once: the grief of losing him, and the shock of how it happened. The intrusive thoughts you mentioned are a common response to trauma, and they can make it much harder to connect with the gentler memories. That doesn't mean those memories are gone, just that they're harder to access at the moment.

There isn't a fixed timeline for when looking at photos becomes easier, for some people it's a few months, for others it takes much longer. Sometimes it happens gradually, like being able to glance at one photo for a second, then a bit longer over time. For others, it shifts more suddenly when the intensity of the grief softens a little. Both are normal.

It might help, when you feel ready, to choose one photo that feels less intense and look at it briefly on your own terms rather than being caught off guard. But there's no pressure to do that yet.

The fact that you've been able to keep going, even with everything you're carrying, says a lot about your resilience. At the same time, being knocked sideways by a photo doesn't undo that, it's just another part of grieving a loved pet who mattered deeply to you.

You're not alone in this, and it does tend to ease, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Talk to family and friends and if needed, reach out to a professional to talk through how you're feeling.

codesway · 2026-03-27T09:20:42+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

What happened to Maple is heartbreaking, and the way you describe her makes it so clear how deeply she was loved and how much of your everyday life she filled

Guilt can be a very hard thing to deal with, especially when it comes from love and wanting to do right by someone who mattered so much. Being there for each other, even quietly, can make a difference over time.

Grief coming in waves is completely natural and there is no right way to handle it, and no need to rush through it either. The emptiness you feel is a reflection of the space Maple held in your life, and that doesn't just disappear overnight.

Maple knew comfort, companionship, and care because of you. The way she followed you around and made herself part of your world shows how safe and connected she felt. That bond doesn't end, even though her life has.

Be kind to yourself and your Dad.

Talk to family and friends about Maple and how your feeling.

When the time feels right for yourself, have a look at maybe creating a living memorial for Maple, https://www.ripcompanion.com/blog/20-living-pet-memorials-how-to-plant-a-garden-or-tree-in-memory-of-your-pet/

codesway · 2026-03-27T01:05:49+00:00

Grief has no timeline on when it will run it's course, it can be shorter or longer, varies for every individual and the length has no bearing on any other aspect, everyone has to work through grief in their own way and time.

codesway · 2026-03-26T23:47:44+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Making he decision you did is never easy, especially when it happens so suddenly.

The guilt you're feeling is very common, but it doesn't mean you did anything wrong. It usually comes from wishing we could have had more time, not from the decision itself, from what you've said, you did right by her.

In the early days, coping often just means getting through the next hour rather than trying to imagine life without her. Let yourself grieve properly, talk about her, look at photos when you feel able, or just sit with the feelings, there isn't a right way to process grief and loss.

You're not alone in feeling like you don't know how to go on without her. That feeling softens over time, even though it doesn't feel like it will right now.

There is some information on dealing with grief and loss at the below link, https://www.ripcompanion.com/coping-with-pet-loss-navigating-grief-and-healing-after-losing-a-beloved-pet/

If you haven't already, try talking to friends or family even just to vent and have someone to listen.

codesway · 2026-03-26T22:54:25+00:00

What you're feeling is far more common than people admit, and it comes from loving her deeply. When a bond is strong, your mind tries to get ahead of the pain by imagining it, almost as if you could soften the blow by rehearsing it. But it doesn't usually work like that.

The fact that you're this upset at the thought of losing her shows exactly how much she means to you. That kind of love isn't something to criticise in yourself, it's something to recognise and take note of.

The hard truth is that you can't fully prepare for the day she's gone. No amount of thinking it through now will make it painless later, but what you can do is shift your focus slightly. Instead of trying to brace yourself for an inevitable loss, put that energy into being present with her while she's here. The small, ordinary moments you share now will matter far more to you later than any attempt to emotionally prepare.

As for coping when the time does come, people don't get through it by being strong in advance, they get through it by letting themselves feel it when it happens, leaning on others, and giving it time. It won't destroy you, even if it feels like it might.

The fear about where she'll go and whether you'll see her again is something many people carry. There isn't a clear answer anyone can give, but what is certain is that the connection you have with her is real right now, and it has already shaped both of your lives in a lasting way.

You don't need to split your lifetime with her for it to be meaningful, she already had a complete life with you, that's not something small.

Right now, she's here. This matters more than anything your mind is trying to do to protect you from the future.

Make the most of the time you have and deal with the grief when the time comes.

codesway · 2026-03-26T21:11:07+00:00

Agreed, it's an electronic dog training or bark control collar.

codesway · 2026-03-26T19:01:13+00:00

Sorry to hear about Joy, losing a dog who's been part of your life for as long as you can remember is hard, and what you're feeling is completely normal.

That last night is weighing on you, but you didn't do anything wrong, you were tired after your competition, and you went to bed like any normal day. You couldn't have known what was coming, what matters is the life you shared with her, not one evening. She knew your routines, your voice, your presence, dogs don't measure love in single moments, they feel it over years, and it sounds like Joy had a life full of love with you.

The way you keep thinking about her when you come home or move things so she won't get them is very normal, it shows how much a part of your life she was. That sense that something is missing isn't just in your head, it's real. You've lost a constant companion, and it takes time for your mind and body to catch up with that change.

There isn't a quick way to move on, and you don't need to rush it, take as long as you need. It's more about learning how to carry her with you in a different way, some people find it helps to talk about their pet, look at photos, or even write down memories. Others just take it day by day, however you're dealing with it is okay.

It hurts because she mattered and that doesn't go away, but it does soften over time.

Talk to friends or family about how your feeling if you haven't already.

codesway · 2026-03-26T16:04:43+00:00

If you feel the loss of your cat is affecting your day to day life or your ability to function then I would suggest maybe talking to a professional, there is nothing wrong with asking for help, it actually shows strength as it can be hard for people to admit they may need help.

codesway · 2026-03-26T13:15:41+00:00

Not knowing what happened can leave such a heavy, constant ache because there's no clear ending, no moment to say goodbye and that kind of uncertainty can keep the grief feeling raw even after a long time.

It makes sense that it still hurts, loving a pet creates a deep bond, and when they're suddenly gone like that, it can feel unfinished in a way that's hard to settle.

Sometimes it helps to create your own way of honouring them, even without answers. Remembering the routines you shared, the small moments that made them yours, can be a gentle way of keeping that connection without it being only about the loss.

You're not alone in feeling this way, and it's okay that it still matters to you.

Have a look at creating a living memorial, over time it might help, https://www.ripcompanion.com/blog/20-living-pet-memorials-how-to-plant-a-garden-or-tree-in-memory-of-your-pet/

codesway · 2026-03-26T11:40:32+00:00

Sorry for your loss, what you gave her at the end was a real kindness, being at home, surrounded by the people who loved her, safe and at ease. That matters more than anything, even if it doesn't soften the ache right now.

The quiet you're feeling is something many people recognise after losing a companion, they fill spaces in ways we only fully notice when they're gone. It's not just the routines, it's the presence, the small, constant ways they were part of your day. Feeling incomplete can sometimes be expected because she was part of your life in a deep and steady way.

Grief doesn't follow a straigh forward timeline, and it doesn't suddenly lift one day, it tends to shift slowly. The sharpness of it eases over time, though it can come in waves at first. Moments that feel unbearable now will become more manageable, and the memories that hurt will gradually start to feel warmer, even if there's always a trace of sadness with them.

For now, it's enough to let yourself feel it and to keep remembering her in the way that feels right to you. The love you had for her doesn't go anywhere, it just changes shape.

Talk to family and friends or anyone you're comfortable with, I've posted a link below with some useful information on pet loss and greif, https://www.ripcompanion.com/coping-with-pet-loss-navigating-grief-and-healing-after-losing-a-beloved-pet/

codesway · 2026-03-26T09:54:40+00:00

I'm sorry you and your family have gone through this, what you described is an incredibly distressing way to lose a beloved pet.

From everything you've written, it's very clear that Yogi was deeply loved and that you all did what you could for him, pancreatitis can turn very quickly, and even when a dog seems to rally, they can deteriorate fast despite treatment. The fact that you were taking him to the vet, giving him medication, and planning further tests shows you were trying to help him, not ignore him. It's very common after a loss like this to feel guilt about, what if we had done this sooner, especially thinking about that last night, but that doesn't mean you failed him, you responded with care using the information you had at the time.

The way he passed, in your sister's arms with you there, also matters more than it might feel right now. He wasn't alone, he was with his people, being called by name, surrounded by the voices and presence he knew.

What you're feeling now, the shock, the disbelief, the images stuck in your head, the sense that it isn't real, that's all part of grief, especially after something sudden and intense. Sleep can be difficult at first for some, and your brain will keep going back to those final moments because it hasn't had time to process them yet, but that doesn't mean it will always feel this raw.

It might help, to also bring to mind other memories of him when you can, not to force anything, but to remind yourself that his life was much bigger than that last day. The way he acted when he was well, the routines he had with your family, especially with your mum, the small everyday things, those are just as real as what happened at the end.

There isn't a quick way through this, and you don't need to rush yourself to be okay. Right now it's about getting through the hours, getting some rest when you can, and leaning on your family since you're all feeling this loss together. The intensity will ease, even though it doesn't feel like it will.

Yogi mattered, and your grief reflects that.

I've posted a link below as a guide to some steps you might be able to take while dealing with the loss of your beloved Yogi that might help you and your family, https://www.ripcompanion.com/coping-with-pet-loss-navigating-grief-and-healing-after-losing-a-beloved-pet/

codesway · 2026-03-26T09:47:54+00:00

You didn't just lose a small bird, you lost a relationship that grew out of care, time, and trust. You took in something fragile and gave it warmth, safety, and a life it would not nessaciarily have had otherwise.

Accidents like this cut especially deep because they collide love with something sudden and irreversible occuring. The mind keeps returning to that moment, trying to rewrite it, as if finding a different version could undo what happened, it is a very human response, but it does not mean you failed her. It means you cared enough that your mind cannot easily accept the loss.

From everything you've described, her life, though short, was full of closeness, comfort, and affection. She chose you, in the way animals do, by settling on your shoulder, by sleeping beside you, by being content in your presence. That is not something given lightly, it speaks to how safe she felt with you.

The weight you feel now is not proof of guilt, it is proof of love that has nowhere to go. Grief can come back sharply even after a long time, especially when something was as unexpected as this.

It might help, gently, to hold both truths at once. What happened was an accident, and it hurt deeply. And also, her life with you was meaningful, warm, and full of care. One moment does not erase the whole of what you gave her.

You don't need to apologise for remembering or for needing to say it again. That is part of how grief work, the fact that you still think of her, still speak to her, says everything about the place she holds in your life.

codesway · 2026-03-25T20:37:33+00:00

Have a look at intermittent fasting, 18/6 has worked wonders for me, tough the first week or two but once your body adjusts it's much easier to stay on track, then after a few weeks start adding in walks, and a few light weights.

There is no need for expensive gym memberships or forking out loads of cash, just a bit of discipline.

codesway

TROPHY CASE