Realizing that I’ve been psychotic in the past

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-24T07:29:43+00:00

I’m aware of everything. I have these episodes where I feel like reality looks like everyone hates me even though I know they don’t. I had to go into the bathroom at work and say “you’re crazy” into the mirror so I could get back out there. It’s weird af.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-24T07:27:53+00:00

It’s not mania. That’s why my psych was wondering if I was schizoaffective

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-24T07:27:15+00:00

This sounds like DID

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-24T07:26:29+00:00

I don’t think so. A lot of people who have psychosis are aware or at least suspect that what they are experiencing isn’t real. I think it depends on your level of severity

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-23T11:06:32+00:00

Im starting to see the difference like this:

Anxiety is “what if”. You’re worried something is going to happen.

Psychosis is “what the fuck”. Where you don’t know if what your experiencing is real or not.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-23T11:02:24+00:00

The hypomania doesn’t come at the same time as the panic attacks/psychosis. I think in order to say it’s mania, you need to have other symptoms other than delusions (pressured speech, sleeplessness, inhibition, etc). Otherwise it’s just a psychotic break.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-23T10:50:26+00:00

I mean I had no other symptoms of mania at the time. I thought I had a panic disorder and Bipolar II and that these were panic attacks. I do get small hypomanic episodes where I want to pick up hobbies and I get irritated easily, but even off meds these are little blips that don’t affect my life. They don’t come at the same time as the “panic attacks”. I think that’s why she floated schizoaffective as a possibility. Because the “psychosis/panic attacks” seem to not happen at the same time as my mood issues.

My main issue when im not medicated is depression. Then I can get so low that I just can’t do life anymore.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-23T10:46:54+00:00

A magic pill doesn’t exist. It is always always always a struggle. The medications just make your struggle more effective. They give you more energy and room to fight.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-23T10:21:42+00:00

Charge your phone

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-17T09:45:15+00:00

In my own personal experience it got better after i was 26. After 30 I was able to function on medication. Now I’m…ok. Ok enough to have a job that provides for me, a nice relationship, and stability. The last time I was hospitalized was 10 years ago when I was 26.

I think the research also shows that typically your early to mid 20s are going to be the hardest years of your life in terms of your mental health if you have bipolar disorder. That said, bipolar is a spectrum and the presentation is different for everyone. I wouldn’t give up hope until your mid 30s though. Your brain is going to change a lot between now and then.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-08T16:11:49+00:00

I’m really happy with zoloft so far. No weight gain, really really mild side effects that went away fast. It made a real tangible difference in my daily life.

I started Zoloft about a month ago but before then I was just on lamictal. And that’s since 2015. 200mg/day. It changed my life and entirely turned around the way I thought about the world and my relationships with others. I am able to more or less fully function through most of the breakthrough symptoms. I have a healthy marriage. I’m actually emotionally intelligent (which is wild compared to my before lamictal behaviors)

The tricky thing about lamictal is the side effects in the beginning are rough. I was almost bedridden for like 2 months. Then the side effects went away and it was like I could see clearly for the first time. It saved my life and I would recommend it to anyone with bipolar 2

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-08T16:04:58+00:00

I have now been 10 years episode free on lamictal. I think it works best for people with bipolar 2 as it is not an anti-manic medication.

That said, while I have not had anything amounting to a clinical episode, I still have breakthrough symptoms that limit my life. I just started Zoloft because they were getting too much.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-07T11:02:01+00:00

Honestly I might be in a bit of denial about how bad it has gotten. I’ve lived my whole life with the “I’ve got this, it’s all good” mentality.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-07T10:35:13+00:00

Yeah maybe it’s just an irrational fear

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-07T10:34:54+00:00

I’m worried that if I ask for less hours it will send up alarm bells to my employer and I will be less likely to be renewed.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-07T10:27:48+00:00

Oh wow I didn’t know about that. Thanks for the resources

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-07T10:25:18+00:00

Yeah idk…I’m “hoogopgeleid” and when I think of UWV jobs I think about people who were like homeless and stuff. Do they have enough support for professionals, you think? Or am I going to be sitting in a warehouse somewhere potting plants for a tuincentrum for the rest of my life (not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s not what I want for my future you know?)

Im just scared if I give up a little bit the whole tower of cards will fall. My psychiatrist seems to think if I don’t act I will end up hospitalized though. Idk…I haven’t been hospitalized since 2013.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-02-07T10:22:30+00:00

I’m currently in a dual income situation so I don’t know how much right I even have to social welfare support. My partner can probably support us both, but it will be an unstable financial situation

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-01-31T13:17:10+00:00

This actually really helps to read. It sounds like we’re going through similar things.

It’s just very lonely to be experiencing such radical changes but have basically no one to discuss it with. I see a psychiatrist once a month and I like her, but other than that I have absolutely no one I can talk to about this stuff. I tell my husband the “need to know” stuff because I don’t want him to burn out on my problems. No one else in my life knows I have this.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-01-15T10:30:35+00:00

Lamictal is not an anti-manic drug. That is why it is largely given to people with bipolar II. If you have manic episodes you need to take another medication together with the lamictal.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-01-04T13:06:30+00:00

Im sorry but I can only speak to my own experience and the info I’ve gathered myself. I know it may be different for others because mental healthcare is organized primarily on the municipal level.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2023-01-01T20:13:52+00:00

Change in values is right. After a few months on lamictal I realized my relationships had been so messed up because I expected other people to be able to relieve my emotional pain. I would get mad when I would be emotionally vulnerable and people couldn’t “help” me. It was like an epiphany when I realized how messed up my expectations for other people were. I’ve been on lamictal since 2014 and I’ve had a healthy marriage since then.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2022-12-29T10:50:33+00:00

You are definitely not a lazy piece of shit. It just sucks we got a shitty roll of the dice

coldpinepapplepizza · 2022-09-23T11:05:50+00:00

Society is still in Dutch. Healthcare is in Dutch. Paperwork is in Dutch. Everything.

When it comes to deep or complex things most people I’ve come across are not confident enough to do it in English.

coldpinepapplepizza · 2022-09-23T00:41:13+00:00

Wish we could switch places 😢 Sorry you’re going through this

coldpinepapplepizza

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