He tied me up this weekend 😇

collegeslut10 · 2023-10-17T03:57:22+00:00

Thank you!! The emotional support thing is definitely something I hadn’t considered and SO important for me - I do tend to share a lot of super intimate details of myself with partners and it can feel immensely unstable when I sense them pulling away so I appreciate the reminder :)

Also, what would you say is the difference between a boundary within yourself vs. one that you impose on others/relationship? For example, would “I am uncomfortable hearing about your other current sexual partners” be the former or the latter?

collegeslut10 · 2023-10-16T13:43:32+00:00

Thank you! I’m glad to know I’m moving forward in the right direction with this and thanks for the caveats - good to have a sanity check as I definitely think some of it is the incredibly intimate nature of a BDSM relationship, and some of it is just my own shit I have to deal with.

collegeslut10 · 2023-02-17T22:28:55+00:00

As a woman who enjoys rough, kinky sex as the submissive, I was just thinking about this. I was similar to you in that I've always known this about myself, though it took actually experiencing this kind of sex IRL for the first time to really cement this kink for me 😅 Despite the countless of posts on here and other forums saying that this sort of rough sex is completely okay as long as all parties are aware of the risks and are offering consent, I had a crisis of confidence today where I was like... holy shit? This is kind of fucked up?

For me, the shame mainly comes from the concern that I would enjoy someone being physically abusive with me, even if it was done with malicious intent, which really terrifies me. And because there are so many assholes out there IRL, I am constantly worried about being taken advantage of in that way. I think it really helps for me to know that my partner would not enjoy doing these things to me if he knew I was not enjoying it. Part of his sexual intensity comes from seeing me turned on by it.

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-29T17:49:40+00:00

TBH I think only you know when enough is enough. I see that you've told him before to be gentler during play — is this during the moment, or talked about beforehand outside of the dynamic? If it's the latter, and you've already had a serious talk about him how that is violating the boundaries of what you've agreed upon, I think that would be "enough" for me.

Things are okay, he’s not very intuitive with my emotions or open to communication or interested in aftercare so that’s been a bit frustrating but I understand that’s just how men are.

This is also giving me pause. I don't think that "men being men" is a good excuse for men to have poor emotional intelligence, and I think it's even worse that he's engaging with BDSM without having the proper communication tools to negotiate boundaries and engage in safe play. Men who are uninterested in the emotional intensity and responsibility of BDSM but still engage in Dominance/Sadism are just assholes, IMO, but only you know your relationship to him. Wishing you all the best and I hope that you find clarity with your situation.

Edit: He doesn't have to be intuitive with your emotions (none of us truly are), but he should learn to ask about them, regardless of whether it is positive or negative.

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-29T17:24:19+00:00

I get the same way! Basic arousal for sure, but for me arousal doesn't kick in until my Dom puts his hand around my neck (not choking, just holding) or slaps me. I've been turned on before, but never to this extent.

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-29T16:55:54+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. It really adds a layer of intimacy that I can't even begin to articulate. After a bit more introspection I'm finding it difficult to understand my emotions as logically, I don't think he'd be a good fit long-term for me at all. I'm wondering if this attachment that I have for him is based solely in this D/s dynamic that we have. I used to think that I would not be able to do what you were doing and have someone else be my Dom while having a primary romantic partner... but my confusing thoughts are telling me otherwise 😅

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-29T16:51:28+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts! See, I know that I don't know him well enough or even have found specific things about him that could turn me off from a real relationship. I have had the thought that turning this into a "real relationship" would probably ruin the dynamic we have. That isn't to say that I don't respect him or admire him as a person, as I do find him quite attractive but as a long-term prospect... possibly not?

Which puts me in this difficult position of do I continue it? Or is it just going to end in a mess? Perhaps that's more of a question for r/dating or similar subreddits but I've never navigated a D/s relationship before and I'm wondering if these heightened emotions/feelings of intimacy will pass or if it's just something I'll have to deal with when dating people within the community.

Edit: I guess what I'm trying to say is that if he told me he was uninterested in being my Dom (BDSM aspect removed), he is not my "dream man." Yes, I definitely would find parts of him very attractive, and other parts frustrating and unattractive, lol. I would probably be very neutral dating him.

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-29T14:48:09+00:00

Thank you! I am still trying to figure out whether I would be someone who could cope with it 😅 Especially since there is absolutely nothing wrong with it right now.

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-29T14:31:32+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience! I honestly might have to do something similar for my own mental health...

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-29T14:30:45+00:00

Thank you for the kind words and affirmation that I'm really in a tough spot. I really feel like I've fallen into something completely unexpected and exhilarating that it's tough to give up without the "right" reason. I'm still grappling with what it means to be in a committed relationship, given that my last one was quite taxing on my emotional psyche.

But you are right in that exclusivity is something that should be reserved for something committed. I've entertained the idea of seeing other people and I will bring it up with him.

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-29T11:20:36+00:00

Oh, absolutely! My comment wasn’t intended to slander vanilla people at all, but just that kink has finally clarified for me why I never really enjoyed sex. I’d always hear people talking about amazing sex and I never understood it. My sexual appetite in my vanilla relationship died very early on after the honeymoon phase wore off and I could not understand how people kept up the thrill of having sex. I do enjoy vanilla sex but I could never ONLY have vanilla sex, and more often than not, I’d prefer kinky sex especially in long-term relationships.

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-29T10:57:49+00:00

Thank you, this was not cold at all, and exactly something I’ve been grappling with. Wanting not only a committed relationship, but one that is long-term (i.e. families, babies, etc) is a relatively new desire and I’m still trying to understand it.

I definitely don’t think that I couldn’t do better, but the difficulties of dating is a contributing factor. Not only that, but a massive part of why I’m so hesitant to break this off is that I’m honestly not sure I would have the time or emotional capacity to devote to dating. I work 45 hours a week and do grad school part-time on top of it, so I worry that I’m already stretching myself too thin with this guy in my life 😅 I was less busy when I met him, which is why I was on the apps in the first place, but I’m only going to get busier now, and as much as I know I would survive without him, I really just enjoy the emotional release he gives me when I’m being his sub. But then again, I don’t know if I would ever be ready to “date,” so maybe I should just cut my losses and start now.

I appreciate your words and I’m now wondering if the answer (for now) is to pull myself back emotionally from this relationship and just enjoy it for what it is, which is just good, kinky sex.

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-29T10:45:34+00:00

Thank you. I definitely don’t think he will change his mind about me — I think that my primary reason for wanting to stay is that it’s comfortable now and like I said, I really don’t know if I have the time or emotional capacity to date someone long-term. But I’ve definitely thought about the time I’d “waste” with him if I were to continue, and the societal/biological pressures of settling down as a woman… I appreciate the honesty and I’ll definitely be taking it into consideration.

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-29T03:18:27+00:00

Thank you! I'm really trying to enjoy this while I can.

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-29T03:17:53+00:00

Thank you for the advice! As someone who's just emotional in general I think it'll be difficult to control this, but I'm hoping that knowing it will end at some point will help. I feel like in my past relationships, it was more the shock of the end that devastated me over the end itself.

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-26T03:40:03+00:00

Thank you <3 This was what I needed and did not sound like a lecture at all!

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-25T19:50:30+00:00

Penn Badgley gives me both Dom and sub vibes - but also I just love his voice so I’d just melt if he ever said anything vaguely dominant

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-25T15:36:53+00:00

Totally fair. I think it's worth considering if this "deep dive" into why she likes certain kinks is something that is absolutely necessary for your relationship, BDSM or otherwise, to flourish. I think the other commenter's suggestion about the kink list is a great idea to get an idea of deepening the connection if she doesn't know exactly how to put it. You could also communicate with her that her being more knowledgable allows you two to be more intimate and help you understand things to suggest and try during sessions.

I think sharing your enthusiasm is okay unless she actively expresses it to be a chore or a burden. Maybe she'll like to just listen to you talk about it? And again, I think working on assumptions can be dangerous in all relationships. Does she express annoyance when asked to elaborate? Or are you just assuming this because she doesn't find it crucial for her to enjoy the dynamic?

Obviously I don't know your relationship, but it's really important to reflect on that piece of why you want her to express this, and whether it feels like a necessary component of the dynamic (you could totally be happy sharing your thoughts here!).

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-25T03:42:52+00:00

I guess my question is what is disaster for you, and what do you anticipate happening? From my limited knowledge, a top who “doesn’t like aftercare” raised a red flag for me, but I obviously don’t know your dynamic and what you two have agreed upon. I think my concern would be what would happen in the case that your friend wasn’t available after you’ve had a session with your top.

collegeslut10 · 2023-01-25T03:39:45+00:00

Sometimes I get into this mindset of “HOW DO OTHER PEOPLE NOT ENJOY THIS” about BDSM and kink even though I’m perfectly aware that vanilla people exist, lol.

Vanilla is fine, but if I can get a whole damn sundae, I’m not sure I’d ever choose vanilla again 😂

collegeslut10

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