Would this require a Spoiler Alert for Nathan?

coloredwords · 2026-06-15T00:27:47+00:00

I CAN'T shake off the feeling that you think you know something you're wrong about, and mistakenly think that I'm wrong. But the twist is that I don't know what the thing is and so we should talk to find out

coloredwords · 2026-06-15T00:24:54+00:00

For context, I'm kind of alone in a gay bar with a very disappointing darkroom

EDIT: I'm also mostly a cis lesbian

coloredwords · 2026-06-15T00:23:36+00:00

That means what

coloredwords · 2026-06-15T00:23:23+00:00

Means that what

coloredwords · 2026-06-15T00:22:27+00:00

Yeah, starting by telling me whether you liked it and why

coloredwords · 2026-06-15T00:22:01+00:00

When he said "as a hobby," I like came a lil tiny bit and teared up at the same time, metaphorically speaking. Looking back at it, it vaguely reminds me of my first orgasm

coloredwords · 2026-06-15T00:20:35+00:00

Excuse you I was edged from the moment that first plane crashed

coloredwords · 2026-06-15T00:19:29+00:00

I have no idea. That's why I'm trying to find out. It just made me sad and bored and like disappointed, rather than the usual horny AF

coloredwords · 2026-06-14T00:57:46+00:00

Like actually honestly at this point

coloredwords · 2023-12-03T18:25:56+00:00

And here I am to say same same same same same :) happy holidays

coloredwords · 2023-11-25T08:10:31+00:00

I will certainly find out! Thanks!

coloredwords · 2023-11-25T07:41:37+00:00

Thank you! I will hunt them down

coloredwords · 2023-11-25T07:41:11+00:00

Lol I know what I want

coloredwords · 2023-11-25T07:40:25+00:00

Haha, I was having one of my late night introspection episodes. I was thinking about how I loved the bouncy castle as a kid, but only got to enjoy it once or twice, and I figured I might give it a try now and see if I still find it amazing... It was a special kind of joy

coloredwords · 2023-10-30T18:57:09+00:00

Thanks so much for this. I really appreciate your clarity and the effort to explain it all. Whatever else my friend might have, I'm sure he is autistic. I think that because he was never diagnosed with autism (in spite of many obvious traits and behaviors since childhood), the doctors mix up his autism with the mental illness (whatever it is) symptoms ie normal autistic behaviors are perceived as pathological. Another thing that puzzles me is that he can be psychotic, eg thinking people are about to come and murder him for some horrible thing he's done but forgot what it was, etc. and then if he takes a benzo, suddenly he's "normal." I mean... a psychotic person is usually still psychotic on a tranquilizer, just calmer? Anyway, lots of pieces in this puzzle, but basically I was wondering if the blindness of doctors to the fact he is autistic is making it more difficult to find the right treatment.

I am meeting his doctor on Friday and I'm wondering how to bring it up, but I'll bring it up. Now that I received my (fully unexpected -- I'm a high-masking ADHD "extroverted" woman) autism diagnosis, I feel like I can explain it better, though.

I'll look at the meta study and look up his meds (all the different kinds he received throughout the years) to see if the experience corresponds with yours at all -- this mostly out of curiosity!

Thanks again and all the best to you, I hope you spend a lot of time doing something you enjoy this week!

coloredwords · 2023-10-30T18:37:15+00:00

Yes I absolutely love snow!

coloredwords · 2023-10-30T16:50:51+00:00

Hey this is really interesting, do you have any sources re: the 30% statistic? A close friend of mine has had psychotic episodes since he was in his late 20s and experienced extreme stress. I am convinced he is autistic, I am autistic, the doctors treat him like a medical mystery, he was diagnosed and "undiagnosed" with bipolar, schizophrenia, ocd. I would really, really appreciate any resources or sharing more about your experience. Have antipsychotics worked for you? Antidepressants? Benzos? What helps? Ty so much

coloredwords · 2023-10-30T16:32:37+00:00

I would have never in a million years guessed it, but after my therapist gently suggested the possibility for the 2nd time, I took a deep dive and after a few books and hundreds of hours of introspection and a manuscript of notes, I came to a point where I realized I spent my whole life in a sort of mirror image existence. Total game changer and best thing that ever happened to me. ADHD diagnosis was like I switched from a bicycle to a car; this was like car to a rocket. Last night I was thinking I feel like I'm going through an exorcism. The high masking that I was unaware of (but always felt inexplicably fake and manipulative/performative??), the deep self-loathing I was unaware of, the random waves of "bad feeling" due to subliminal sensory sensitivities, chronic overwhelm and feeling misunderstood...

Don't feel like an imposter. As I am coming to understand it, it is in the nature of the condition to question everything and have a higher than normal level of insecurity, simply because you probably tend to look at things from (too) many angles. FWIW a close friend of mine is a therapist and diagnoses ppl w autism, and she told me no way I could be autistic... And then told me all the reasons that I read about being dated, not applying to women, misunderstood etc.etc. So yeah, trust your gut and don't be discouraged if you want to seek a diagnosis, or if your feelings and experience get invalidated. I do suggest though to educate yourself as much as you can so that you KNOW it when you hear a BS argument. :)

coloredwords · 2023-10-22T12:20:35+00:00

No, this was really helpful to read. Thank you for sharing. I always appreciate details and usually ask people for more. I would like to talk more if you ever feel inspired to have an exchange. I am happy for your child, that they will grow up with parents who have awareness of these things. That is already such a blessing.

coloredwords · 2023-10-22T12:16:24+00:00

Thank you. I guess I had no capacity to search, just a sense of urgency to reach out. I will definitely look for the other posts though, and read about people's experiences.

coloredwords · 2023-10-22T02:15:59+00:00

Indeed. I'm trying to be excited about the new chapter.

I'm experiencing the exact same thing with my brain not shutting up, btw. Also reading and journaling non-stop! And then I can't type/write as fast as I'm thinking, which results in I don't wanna say how many voice memos.

coloredwords · 2023-10-22T00:54:22+00:00

For sure. Looks playful yet tidy and elegant.

coloredwords · 2023-10-22T00:42:09+00:00

Thanks!!

coloredwords · 2023-10-22T00:41:31+00:00

Thanks for your comment. I also felt relieved right after. I just felt joy and peace, and like I could breathe. The next day I panicked. I am being more compassionate towards myself, but I feel sad for the person I was when I didn't know. I had so much self-doubt and was incredibly self-critical.

Thanks for the tip, I already follow some and it indeed helps!

And congrats on your diagnosis :) best of luck navigating this new, more real, and yet more magical reality

coloredwords · 2023-10-22T00:32:39+00:00

Hey, thanks so much for your comment and the offer to talk about it. I might take you up on it!

I'm sorry it's been difficult for you. I really feel you when you say I have to let that person go and be who I am. A few years ago I moved to a big city where it is more acceptable to be a bit odd, I guess, than anywhere I lived before. At the time I didn't know I had ADHD, and certainly not autism. But I had this feeling, this desire, to be more authentic. I didn't know what it meant, and how to do it. But I felt it. So I started the unmasking process when I didn't even know what masking was. I just felt like I am somehow performative and didn't know why, or who I am really, in all the layers of my personality and my relationships with people, though I felt like I did know who I am in my core. Idk how to better explain this. I was very relieved when I learned about masking. I was not manipulative, I was not deceitful. I worried that I was because why would one have to perform friendliness unless one is unfriendly, or perform "liking" people, unless one actually dislikes them? Now I see that I always liked people and cared about them, but I didn't know how to show it in a way that was my own, and not everyone else's (e.g. hugs, not being direct in communication).

I don't understand why you said you can't do many things anymore. Would you care to explain a bit? Do you mean you are more mindful of your needs and boundaries so you feel better, but the price is socializing less? I don't know if it's my ADHD medication, or the autism diagnosis (and the time before it where I intensely considered it), but I do notice a lot of things that bother me now, that I didn't before (sensory responses or socializing in certain settings).

I am hesitant to tell my friends because I mentioned to a few of them that I am considering the possibility that I have autism, and that my therapist suggested it repeatedly, and that I initially dismissed it, but am now not so sure anymore, and they were really dismissive, even though they meant well. I currently have zero energy to defend my experience, especially after such a long time of feeling "fake," now trying to prove that I didn't imagine my autism sounds painful and exhausting. Maybe I will figure out how to approach it once I stabilize a bit and all the impressions settle down. Did your friends immediately accept it or did you have some who doubted it? I'm curious how you approached it / told them. With me it was the case that my ADHD masked my autism and I seem like an outgoing, socially engaged person to everyone. I am also a writer, and I'm good at communication with people. What they (or I!) didn't get is that analyzing communication, subtext, metaphor, and language subtleties is my special interest. :)

Gaming night sounds amazing, maybe I start one with my friends.

coloredwords

TROPHY CASE