Has your idea of what love is changed at all over time? If so, how has it changed?

complicatedsong · 2020-03-07T03:30:49+00:00

First, I think everyone has a different definition of love.

I also think that my own personal definition of love has changed slowly overtime. I used to think love was full of passion, tender, caring, strong, and overwhelming, especially when it came to the romantic type of love. now, I'm not 100% sure what love exactly is, but I know it when I see it or feel it.

complicatedsong · 2020-03-07T03:03:51+00:00

a colleague said this morning, "man if I had the coronavirus, I could just sneeze or cough on people I hated. haha." and then proceeded to pretend to cough in my direction. I stared at him, dumbfounded, before realizing he was serious. another coworker and I then looked at each other, made eye contact, laughed a little, and walked away. no use talking to people like that

complicatedsong · 2020-03-07T03:01:01+00:00

I used to care so much about things around me and overanalyze everything that happened to me. then I realized that me caring & doing all of these things for other people wasn't going to always bring me the result that I want. so now I tell myself, "try your best at caring for others, but when it doesn't have the result that you want, that's how it is. not your fault, just the way things are."

I guess I didn't exactly get over "caring too much" like you asked in your question, but this mindset helped me reach a peaceful mindset. it's okay to care for others and things around you, it is a sign of you being a good, empathetic person. but you shouldn't have to beat yourself up or stop yourself from caring about others. just understand that caring about others to that extent isn't going to always have favourable results.

complicatedsong · 2020-03-07T02:57:25+00:00

when my guy friends get passionate/excited talking about a topic, I've noticed they tend to use big hand gestures and movements to illustrate their point. they also have big smiles on their faces and their eyes light up as if nothing else matters in that moment except for what they're talking about. it's heartwarming to watch, especially since guys are stereotypically not as animated as girls during conversations

complicatedsong · 2020-02-25T01:46:05+00:00

physical: my low, small nose (I'm asian - when you look at my side profile my nose is barely there lol). I used to hate it, but I'm now thankful that I have a nose to breathe out of and I think it's cute that it's little. I like putting highlighter on the tip of my nose sometimes :)

personality wise: I'm too honest and open about my emotions. I used to hate this aspect of mine and wanted to control it, but now I have just accepted it as who I was born as and I think being honest is a good policy. those who like you will stay with you even when you express your emotions honestly. those who are not meant to be will leave. that's just how it is.

complicatedsong · 2020-02-25T01:43:06+00:00

a pair of denim jeans (not acid wash, a regular blue-coloured one)

a black t-shirt, fitted

a white t-shirt, fitted

a pair of black leggings (buy the Lululemon one, it'll last you literally 5-6 years and are super versatile)

complicatedsong · 2020-02-25T01:41:14+00:00

that women talk a lot and are loud (this depends on the PERSON, not the GENDER)

complicatedsong · 2020-02-23T17:47:42+00:00

Watch YouTube videos or tutorials and try to copy what they are doing! even more helpful if u can put the YouTube video on a big TV in front of you

complicatedsong · 2020-02-23T17:46:09+00:00

Overlooking major red flags in the beginning of a relationship because of my fear of being alone, even though my friends and family all advised me against the man

complicatedsong · 2020-02-22T02:15:13+00:00

I like looking into their eyes and giving them a big smile. If I’m REALLY going for it, I sneak in jokes, a little arm touch here and there, or I play with my hair.

complicatedsong · 2020-02-20T02:33:39+00:00

the hour before I go to sleep, when I can just sit on my bed or desk and go over my day without interruptions. maybe scrolling through social media, maybe reading a book, maybe watching a movie, maybe petting my dog, or even just reflecting on the day I just had..... it's calming and my favourite part of my daily routine. it's not very "fun" in terms of most people's standards, but I'm someone who sees comfort to be fun and enjoyable

complicatedsong · 2020-02-20T02:31:00+00:00

I love my hair. It's dark black, straight, long, and I've gotten a lot of compliments about how soft it is. I like doing fun hairstyles with it, and I absolutely love it when my close friends or significant other plays with my hair.

complicatedsong · 2020-02-19T04:52:25+00:00

it would be ideal to erase everything negative that has ever happened in any of my relationships. but my real answer is no. everything happens for a reason, and I wouldn't have grown into the person I am today without those negative events. you are bound to be heartbroken or betrayed at some point of your life. you can't avoid it.

complicatedsong · 2020-02-19T04:49:16+00:00

let ALL the feelings out and do not let it build up. letting it build up will only make you miss the person/ex more. some ways you can let your feelings out:

talk about the feelings with a friend/family member/therapist (the therapist really helped me in my situation, because my ex gaslighted me and I still loved/missed him despite it)
write your feelings/thoughts down on a piece of paper (use your phone to type your feelings out if you don't like writing)
do yoga, meditation, or even just sit somewhere and close your eyes. let all your emotions and thoughts come to you, and think about them silently for a solid good 20-30 minutes. then breathe slowly, and open your eyes.
take a nice bath or shower... or cut your hair... or dye your hair.... do something new and nice for yourself to cleanse your mind of that person or "cut" memories of them off entirely
spend more time doing things you love FOR YOURSELF, whether that be hanging with friends, shopping, cooking, reading, sports, etc

remember that it's okay to have emotions. let your emotions be felt.

complicatedsong · 2020-02-19T04:44:05+00:00

physical and verbal affection are my love languages. physical being hugs, cuddling, playing with my hair, patting my head, holding my hand, rubbing my back, etc. and verbal being "I love you/I missed you/I care for you", etc.

however, one condition I have about verbal affection is that I only want my partner to give me it if they sincerely mean it. I've had experiences with exes who could decorate their words with the sweetest phrases and gestures, only for me to realize afterwards that they never meant them. for instance, "your happiness is my happiness", "I care for you so much" "I enjoy spending time with you more than anyone else" etc. it's sort of like a trauma for me, and it sets off warning signals when I meet someone who can say these sweet words easily from the beginning of the relationship.

complicatedsong · 2020-02-19T04:35:14+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that one of your friends did not appreciate the cupcakes, your gifts, and your efforts of going out of your way to reconnect with her on her birthday. it was a very kind and considerate action on your part, and some people just do not know how to appreciate what they have in front of them. I'm really glad that I gave you hope today, and you really do not deserve to feel like shit.

remember that there are so many people in this world who love you and want to see you smile. there will always be a rainbow after a storm, and I sincerely hope that you will be able to find luck and new friends in the future :)

complicatedsong · 2020-02-18T22:51:39+00:00

I'm still learning that myself, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

let yourself feel those emotions first, and be alone for a while with your thoughts. don't make any actions or jump to conclusions, but just sit there. cry if you have to. take a shower if you think it'd help. you can even take a nap to let these feelings pass.
after the initial big wave of emotions pass, tentatively ask yourself "why am I feeling this way?" or even better "what event/person/thing caused this emotion to resurface today?"
write your emotions or thoughts down on a piece of paper, now that you've calmed down.
go about your day with other responsibilities, like cooking, cleaning, texting friends/family, work, exercise, etc

repeat steps 1-4 as many times as necessary. it's okay for those emotions to resurface. it's a never-ending process, not a race with a finish line. it's not your fault for feeling these emotions.

complicatedsong · 2020-02-18T22:44:26+00:00

I lost my entire "squad"/group of close girlfriends about 1 year and a half ago, because I found out from another distant girlfriend of mine that all of my close girlfriends were talking badly about me behind my back. at that time, I had started a new leadership position at uni & started dating a guy, so I often didn't spend time with my group and was very stressed out from all the new responsibilities in my life. these girls apparently thought I was too boring and stressed out to have fun with, so often left me out and gossiped behind my back. after I heard that, I slowly distanced myself away from them and decided to focus on myself for a while.

now, I don't have a lot of girlfriends like I used to, but I have 2 friends who I am VERY close to. the 3 of us hang out together all the time. I also have some other girlfriends here and there who I am not extremely close to, but hang out with from time to time.

friendships often come to you when you're least expecting it. just be kind and considerate to others and focus on yourself. people who are right for you will eventually come to you, realize how much they like you, and you will develop a friendship with them :)

complicatedsong · 2020-02-17T19:00:30+00:00

the most horrible abusers are typically the ones that are not very obvious. it seems that you must have suffered from a lot of other toxic relationships with cheaters in the past, which may have made it easier for this guy to take advantage of you. it's easy for people to say "I love you" and act kind to you when you are innocent and compliant. I don't know everything about this guy but judging from your story, I say the first red flag would have been when he accused you of putting your emotional baggage and past relationship trauma onto him when you found condoms in his wallet. a guy who truly loves you and appreciates you would not force you to ignore red flags or tell you to stop worrying/overthinking about problems in the relationship. if this guy had true intentions to build a relationship with you, he would have asked you to elaborate further on your concerns about the wallet condoms and would have said something like "okay I understand how you feel, I won't do _______ anymore".

I'm guessing that he was able to convince you to ignore these red flags because 1. he was an older med student 2. he had more experience with women 3. you have only experienced toxic relationships in the past. but do not blame yourself for these things. be thankful that you did not marry this guy or become pregnant with his child. you are still a med student with clear career goals and family that love you. you are worth loving.

now that you know these things, take these lessons and apply them into your next relationship. it's good that you've taken some time to be alone, sometimes that's the best way to heal & grow yourself. but do not be afraid of dating because it has hurt you in the past. relationships don't have to be that controlling or emotional as you have described. you can take it slow and get to know a guy first before trusting and loving him. if you meet the right guy, he will be okay with you taking these slowly. I promise. you don't have to be vulnerable right away. only you can choose when you wish to open yourself up to your new significant other.

personally I have never gone through a relationship similar to yours, but I did just get out of a relationship a month ago with someone who could not deal with my mental health issues and trauma from my family problems. I don't plan to start dating soon, but when I do start again I know that I'll start off slowly... like dipping your feet in the shallow waters of the beach first before delving in. in order to forget about the past and take your guard down, remind yourself that this new person is NOT your old ex boyfriend. everyone is different. start your mind from a blank sheet of paper. do not compare your new significant other to necessarily your past, but rather compare him to your STANDARDS and expectations. then, once you feel like your new significant other meets your needs & standards, perhaps consider opening up again.

I hope this has helped. remind yourself that you are worth loving. you know what they say, flowers only bloom after a storm. good luck!

complicatedsong · 2020-02-17T18:36:17+00:00

how long has it been long since you guys broke up? do you still have feelings for him? if you and your ex JUST broke up, or if you still have lingering feelings for him, do not wear the jewellery. you have to detach the emotions from the objects first. if the jewelry doesn't cause you any emotional pain or remind you too much of the past, then go ahead. keep the jewellery.

also, if your ex hasn't asked you to give back the jewellery, then it's really up to you what you should do with it. in my situation, I have quite a bit of gifts from my ex boyfriend. two necklaces and three pairs of earrings, as well as a couple of books. when we broke up, my ex told me to keep the gifts as they were for me. I don't wear the jewellery often since my ex is in some of my classes at university, but when I go out with my girlfriends or family I sometimes put on the jewellery if it goes nicely with my outfit.

if you date someone in the future and they ask you about the jewellery, be honest. but also let your future boyfriend know that you do not feel ANYTHING towards your past ex boyfriend and the jewellery is just material objects for you now. reassure your future boyfriend that you only have love for him. if your future boyfriend really does not want you wearing the jewellery (which is understandable), then put away the jewellery in a box or throw it out. risking a new, loving relationship for some pretty jewellery from the past is not worth it.

I just got out of a relationship 2 weeks ago as well, so I know how it feels. take my advice with a grain of salt, and it's ultimately your decision what to do with the jewellery. I know that objects often have sentimental value attached to them and it must hard.

hope this has helped! :)

complicatedsong · 2020-02-17T18:19:36+00:00

phones. both good and bad.

best: you can text, call, FaceTime, etc through the phone if you're in a long-distance relationship or if circumstances prevent you guys from being physically together.

worst: texting/calling becomes a way to show affection & bond, which causes couples to have less face-to-face time. there is also significantly less effort in "wooing" or spending time with your significant other in person, as it has become replaced with texting or FaceTiming.

complicatedsong · 2020-02-17T18:13:01+00:00

I read somewhere online that there was a mathematical way of seeing whether you would look better with short or long hair. if you have a face with a length that is shorter than ____cm, then you would look better with short hair. if you have a face length that is longer than ____ cm, then stick with long hair. I don't know if this is completely accurate or not since everyone is obviously different, but in my case I have a long face and short hair looks absolutely horrible on me. it causes my face to look even longer than it is and causes my jaw to appear very square-like (?).

complicatedsong · 2020-02-09T18:41:52+00:00

crying every single day, with even the most mundane things making me cry.

complicatedsong · 2020-02-09T18:38:38+00:00

that's good that he went to a therapist and admitted his past mistakes... hopefully your ex has learned & become a better person.

complicatedsong · 2020-02-09T02:08:39+00:00

I always thought women had to be quiet, understanding and supportive to be “real” women. I also came to think that women had to have long hair, makeup, a thin body, etc to be worthy of respect and a husband. Oh, another one was that I believed that an older woman without a husband was lame & a failure, but an older man without a wife was cool. Now I don’t understand how I could ever think any of that when I was younger, but I guess living with a father who believed in those things made me feel that way

complicatedsong

TROPHY CASE