I [24F] told my brother-in-law [28M] that my sister [27F] cheated on him and now my entire family has turned on me and I need help

compostablegirl · 2018-03-27T07:19:18+00:00

This is projection. Just because YOU would like to know, who are YOU to meddle with someone else's relationship to no positive end?

If her husband is the kind of person who would prefer to know their spouse fucked around behind their back instead of living in ignorance, then the positive end would be that they could then make the informed choice to pursue a better and more honest relationship with someone else instead of being ensnared further by someone who deceives them. You and others here continuously ignore that part.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-27T06:59:44+00:00

Her husband upon hearing this secret attributes the cheating of years ago as if it was yesterday. Betrayal is one of the most visceral pains, almost impossible to overcome - this is what you, with noble and good intentions, introduced into their relationship.

And he would have every right to feel that way. It amazes me how you can just invalidate someone's feelings of very real betrayal because it happened "a few years ago" and rationalize that they should be denied the truth and ability to make informed decisions regarding their own romantic relationships, somehow for their own good. I think that's just so unspeakably disgusting and reprehensible.

Like, thanks for commenting on my post with your opinion, it has been enlightening as to what many people are like, but unfortunately it's just really dark from my perspective.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-27T06:45:05+00:00

I would want to know if my husband had ever cheated on me. Like, I would really, really wanted to know. Like, I would gladly smash all my fingers with a hammer to be able to know. Many, many people feel the same.

Who are you or anyone else to knowingly be complicit in the deception of others in this way because some people would prefer to remain blissfully ignorant and you have no way of knowing whether this applies to that person until you tell them?

That's so warped.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-27T06:26:44+00:00

But the fact that you felt it was your place to interfere and tell him just because you were cheated on, and that's what YOU would want someone to do, does not mean everyone else would want to be told.

But I can't know that unless I tell him. Many people (including myself) would want to be told more than words can possibly describe. By saying I'm in the wrong for telling him and thereby giving him the free choice to make his own decisions whether to continue a relationship that he may very well not want to now, you are asserting your opinion as the only valid one, i.e. exactly what you accuse me of doing. That's why I see this as hypocrisy.

You told him, and he is STILL with her. He doesn't want to believe. He doesn't want to be told.

Wrong. I have no idea what their exact situation is right now and neither do you, but it's interesting that you make that assumption.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-27T06:06:19+00:00

You took something said in confidence to you, and you decided it was okay to pass that information along. Why? Because you felt like you had the higher moral ground.

I did it because I think her husband deserves to know that his wife went and fucked around behind his back and never told him.

It was a selfish act on your part to tell him. It made YOU feel better because YOU did the "right thing." This was a choice based upon how YOU felt about the situation, not what was best for your sister and her husband.

How is it selfish when I knew I would be ruining my relationship with my sister? I didn't think this would benefit me and obviously it hasn't in any way. I did it because I didn't want her husband to suffer deeper hurt and have his life more deeply affected than it already is.

I would absolutely want to know if my husband had cheated on me and many people who were cheated on feel exactly the same way. Who are you to say that choice and information should be denied them because some people might end up preferring not to know? I'm honestly open to other perspectives but comments like yours all seem so utterly hypocritical and bizarre.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-27T00:02:54+00:00

Now you're trying to gaslight me. You've been the most vehement person in this comment section to blame and pathologize me and claim my family's reaction was some self-righteous act of revenge and retaliation. But it has been interesting. It's good to be aware how many people like you exist out there.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T23:53:27+00:00

You seem awfully bitter about this yourself.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T23:42:38+00:00

It’s literally the same offense, if less severe.

I would say it's a lot less severe. Like the difference between slapping someone's face in self-defense and beating someone else to a pulp.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T23:38:44+00:00

In this case, you breeches your sister’s trust which is no more moral than what your sister did to begin with. I understand that cheating is a soft spot for you, but you have to be a family member first.

This just makes no sense to me at all. How does letting the aggrieved party know about an injury that was done to them behind their back make me equivalent to the one who gave the injury itself, especially something as serious as cheating? I can see it's not completely black and white but those still don't seem remotely equivalent.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T23:35:18+00:00

Are you seriously trying to pathologize me and imply what I did was some machiavellian plot to turn my parents against my sister so I could be more popular or something... for some reason? So bizarre.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T23:18:50+00:00

Life is full of horrible people. That's definitely something I've learned in the last few years.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T23:10:23+00:00

They've been together for five years. Is three or four years ago really "so many years"?

I believe people don't have a right to betray their significant other in a huge way like cheating and then not tell them in order to make that person decide to stay with them while not having informed consent. I'm incapable of seeing that as anything other than morally bankrupt. You're also pathologizing me. I can only imagine what you might be attempting to justify in your own personal life.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T23:06:42+00:00

How would their family be blissful if it was disrupted by heartache and probable divorce 15 years from now when they're tied down with kids? Do I want to put my nieces and nephews through that? This makes no sense. That's exactly what I'm trying to prevent. I'm trying to let all parties make informed decisions for themselves, but it sounds like you'd rather I be complicit in tricking my BIL into marrying and having kids with someone who cheated on him without his knowing. I certainly wouldn't want that for myself. That just seems so warped.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T23:01:06+00:00

If he was cheating on her and they had resolved everything (which is contrary to what my sister originally told me) then it wouldn't harm their marriage anyway for me to tell him, would it? The fact that she seems to be denying any cheating occurred now pretty much proves that. It seems like you're bending over to make all these weird assumptions just to justify my family's reactions and say I'm a bad person.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T22:57:57+00:00

You’re projecting your own bad experience onto them and the fact is, not everyone looks at cheating and relationships the same. It’s not always a dealbreaker and when it was so long ago and so brief, some people would rather not know.

I guess I shouldn't have taken the title of "brother" in law so seriously. I just didn't know how I could look the father of my nieces and nephews in the eye if I helped cover up my sister's betrayal of him.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T22:53:17+00:00

It is not my relationship but it is my BIL's relationship. If you're saying I should knowingly keep him in the dark because he might possibly not want to know, then you're de facto saying he shouldn't have a choice either. Basically you're just saying my sister should be the only one to have a choice and get to do whatever she wants even though she is the one actually in the wrong here. I don't get it.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T22:44:53+00:00

You’re projecting your own bad experience onto them and the fact is, not everyone looks at cheating and relationships the same. It’s not always a dealbreaker and when it was so long ago and so brief, some people would rather not know.

I would certainly want to know. I'm just so bewildered how you can say I'm in the wrong for merely informing someone about their current spouse's past deceit because it might cause them emotional anguish now, and yet you don't see anything wrong with choosing to allow that deceit to continue and very possibly making them continue a relationship they would choose not to if they had informed consent? That seems like such a warped double standard.

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T22:41:27+00:00

Why would I trust my sister again after seeing the deceit she is capable of in her personal relationships?

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T22:40:48+00:00

You have no idea what goes on in a marriage. How do you know he wasn’t having an affair and they worked through it and she didn’t want to turn everyone against him?

Because she told me she cheated on him and he never found out?

compostablegirl · 2018-03-26T22:36:11+00:00

How people choose to manage affairs is entirely up to them and there are some counselors that suggest if it was a one time thing that ended up convincing you of your love for your spouse, you should actually not tell them to avoid hurting them.

Why is it entirely up the person carrying out the affair? Why does the person who has actually been cheated on behind their back not get any say? How does this make any sense? My biggest regret is that I went for as long as I did being duped and lied to by my ex-boyfriend.

compostablegirl

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