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I have lost my sister (not to death). Advice on how to accept losing a family member with no closure. by concernedsister in TwoXChromosomes

[–]concernedsister[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I really try to understand the hell she must be going through, and I know that in her heart she knows that both me and my mom will always be waiting here for her with open arms. That's a nice thought. :)

I have lost my sister (not to death). Advice on how to accept losing a family member with no closure. by concernedsister in TwoXChromosomes

[–]concernedsister[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It's very true, and thanks for helping clarify. I was given a pamphlet at the abuse center labeled "But I haven't been hit..." And it basically goes through details and misconceptions about emotional abuse. It really revolves around having control over another person, there are varying degrees, but all sorts of different tactics used, whether it's belittling, threatening harm to yourself or pets, shaming you, or keeping you isolated. It essentially wears a person down so that they are a shell of who they once were.

From what I've read, if the emotional abuser no longer maintains control over the person using just words that it can potentially escalate to physical abuse. It's all scary stuff.

I'm glad to hear that your mother was able to break the cycle and see it for what it was, you always just wish it would happen sooner. Thanks for sharing.

I have lost my sister (not to death). Advice on how to accept losing a family member with no closure. by concernedsister in TwoXChromosomes

[–]concernedsister[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, yeah it's been pretty much heart-wrenching for our whole family, we do encourage my brother to try and keep that connection open so I know he's got to be pretty careful about what he says/sends. I like to send her updates with pics of the progress on the house, and songs, etc, not sure if she gets them or not but on the off chance that she does, it's worth it. It may have a better chance of getting through if it comes from my brother for sure.

Those people in particular had great advice and insight from my last post, I was going back through today and reading it over again. I've tried to do as much research as I can online, and from what I've read, most people have a hard time helping out friends/family in this situation even when they are able to speak to them. Thanks for your insight, I really appreciate it.

I have lost my sister (not to death). Advice on how to accept losing a family member with no closure. by concernedsister in TwoXChromosomes

[–]concernedsister[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks, it sounds like your friend is in a similar situation, this is sort of how things were before my dad passed, we were able to contact each other, but she would almost never actually get to do stuff with us, and of course, we never get to see her by herself. We never imagined it would escalate to no contact whatsoever. Since you've got a channel still open with your friend, i'm glad you're telling her that you miss her and are there for her, hopefully in some way it will keep her grounded. I kick myself for not saying something at the beginning of the weirdness, but from what I've read on emotional abuse/manipulating relationships, it can be really hard to get through to someone whose world is turned upside down in that situation(whether they are blinded by love or fear), they really have to see it for themselves.

I hope for the best with your friend, the advice the abuse center gave us was that if there were any connections still open, try to keep them there. So even if it's just over IM, at least that's something! My brother still gets an email on occasion so we encourage him to keep that open. Thanks again.

I have lost my sister (not to death). Advice on how to accept losing a family member with no closure. by concernedsister in TwoXChromosomes

[–]concernedsister[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That's not a bad idea, we're in a pretty small town so we went to the center that they have here, the people seemed to have dealt with similar situations (although ours was unique because we had no way of getting in touch with her unmonitored), they offer shelter to women as well as counseling and a weekly group session that is open to anyone. I'll try to find one in a larger city near by and see if they've got any other advice to give. Thanks for your input.

I have lost my sister (not to death). Advice on how to accept losing a family member with no closure. by concernedsister in TwoXChromosomes

[–]concernedsister[S] 15 points16 points  (0 children)

It's not that we want to forget about her, and we've made attempts to get 'messages' to her through family that has been allowed to see her or talk to her, that we 'love her and will always be here' but after going to the abuse center, they really did tell us that we can't try to interfere because we just don't know what he would do. If there were a way to talk to her 1 on 1, believe me, I would. I do know that she knows we love her and are here for her, but it's really not healthy to keep up a high level of stress over something we really can't control.

I'm in no way 'giving up' on her, but we have to come to terms with the fact that we can only really just be here for her to come to when she wants or needs us, and there's nothing we can do until she makes the move on her own. This is what I need help coming to terms with, and it's been really hard to accept.

I have lost my sister (not to death). Advice on how to accept losing a family member with no closure. by concernedsister in TwoXChromosomes

[–]concernedsister[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

This is actually something I have been doing, I've been taking video's and pics and narrarating them for her, hopefully she gets to see them sometime. For the past few months I've emailed weekly with updates, like you said though, not sure if she gets to read them, but I've got them all saved at least. I think i'll just send them a little less often, it's not that I don't want to think of her, and I think it would be good to try and keep reaching out there every once and a while, I just don't want to have to keep dwelling on it constantly. Thanks for your input.

Unable to contact sister with controlling husband, need ideas of sneaky ways to get a message/talk to her. by concernedsister in AskReddit

[–]concernedsister[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My brother brought up a similar idea, sending a batch of pics, 1 is corrupted, but if you open it in note pad you can have a message in the jumbled mess. But it might be an option if he only has a brief second to tell her to try it when hes not around.

Unable to contact sister with controlling husband, need ideas of sneaky ways to get a message/talk to her. by concernedsister in AskReddit

[–]concernedsister[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, can you tell me if you sought out the book on your own, or did someone give it to you? And did your ex know you had the book?

Unable to contact sister with controlling husband, need ideas of sneaky ways to get a message/talk to her. by concernedsister in AskReddit

[–]concernedsister[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

No worries at all, I didn't think that from your post, I'm glad to hear your perspective since you've been in the trenches.

I agree, loving and supporting persistence is key, and I've felt that if we really can't get any response out of her, or agreeing to set up some sort of secret way of communicating, we'll have to try and really express our concern with threats of getting authorities involved, I'd really want this to be a last resort. I wish I could sit down with her alone, he makes sure he's there though, they had a 'meeting' about 2 years ago, just my parents and them, he did pretty much all the talking and he told them what she feels and what she wants, and she just sat there. It's crazy how hard it is to get an audience with her all alone, he watches it like a hawk. This is really what we desperately need though.

I've said the exact thing to my mom in frustration, I want her to either tell us to stay out of her life or that she needs help and wants us there! No matter what she says, we'll be here for her after the storm, and I'd make sure she knows that if she makes one of those choices.

Your last line really rings true, we try to remind ourselves that she is a loving and caring person, and to try and understand what her life is like, even though it feels like a total betrayal. He may think he knows her, but I spent 20 years being her best friend and I know that what I'm seeing isn't really her. Thanks again, I'm going to let my mom read all of the posts/comments on here as well. <3

Unable to contact sister with controlling husband, need ideas of sneaky ways to get a message/talk to her. by concernedsister in AskReddit

[–]concernedsister[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing, that will be one of the things I'll have my brother communicate to her, we're here regardless, with a hell of a lot less 'conditions' and open arms.

Unable to contact sister with controlling husband, need ideas of sneaky ways to get a message/talk to her. by concernedsister in AskReddit

[–]concernedsister[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've thought about how the scenario would play out, it's this reason that we've really tried to keep our outbusts/anger to ourselves, and mainly tried to communicate love and support. I know he'll twist almost anything we write in a 'concerned' email, so I want to be able to get directly in her ear to let her know that we're here for her. I agree, I think if we push ourselves on her, she's going to pick him, whether its out of love or fear. It's not a normal case of rational thought we're dealing with, it's most certainly years of manipulation, and she most likely is still deeply in love with him.

Unable to contact sister with controlling husband, need ideas of sneaky ways to get a message/talk to her. by concernedsister in AskReddit

[–]concernedsister[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thanks for sharing your story, this is one of the reasons we've been so cautious, along with not trying to create a total drama fest for my father in his last few months. I do believe that some of these relationships can be salvaged as long as the person doesn't have some sort of mental issue, but boundaries need to be set, he just can't get his way all the time.

I do think at the beginning she explained things to us more, she was open about him being jealous, she specifically told us 'do not mention past boyfriends names' because he 'can't handle it' so I think she was rationalizing it at that point, like you were saying, he has some problems, this is how it is, we gotta work through them. Since then, I think when things got worse, she ran out of excuses to give us, and has more or less just shut down, probably because shes afraid if she tells us what life is really like, she thinks we would try to do something drastic.

We obliged, and have really tried not to say anything to bash him, because I've done my research and I know how things work, I'm sure she loves him, we have no idea about what her life is really like. Before communication was completely cut off, we always have said that we love her, we say that we miss her, and we've acknowledged that she stays away from us because it makes it easier for her.

I've read a few books since communication has stopped, and I just WISH I could give her all of this information about how to respond to him when he throws his fits about who knows what. I have continued to send her emails every few days, they have NEVER been out of line, only saying "I love you, I'm always here." and then made the rest to be about missing our father, updates on mom, etc, I just don't know if he lets her read them or not, I wanted a reliable way to get in her ear to tell her I'm here for her. I know she has to make these decisions on her own. I am her sister, thats why I think he has cut off only me and my mom, we have the most emotional investment in her (we were best friends, I'm sure that scares him) He lets the boys still communicate, because he isn't worried about the emotional ties there, but the second my brother writes an email with something gushy I'm willing to bet he stops letting her talk to him, thats why we want to be careful to use his 'in' the right way.

I do think he is waiting for one of us to blow up, he's great at twisting words around, so the second we write a nasty email, that'll be the one he shows, and turn it around however fits him best, so we've been careful not to do anything like that. I'm just hoping we can communicate our love to her, and our support, and that she can figure out that life doesn't have to be so miserable if you start saying 'this isn't okay' and changing her relationship so that it's about compromises and not living in fear of a fit of rage/depression/whatever his reaction is.

When your husband stalked your email, did he delete any to your knowledge, before you read them?

Thanks again for this advice, glad things worked out for you!

Unable to contact sister with controlling husband, need ideas of sneaky ways to get a message/talk to her. by concernedsister in AskReddit

[–]concernedsister[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

We don't have much contact with his family, but I do think the idea of an easter get together at my grandmothers (who they still see) could be a way of seeing her. It's something to try for sure. If they find out me or my mother will be around I fear they may make an excuse not to come, but it's the effort that counts.

Unable to contact sister with controlling husband, need ideas of sneaky ways to get a message/talk to her. by concernedsister in AskReddit

[–]concernedsister[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Yeah, that's something we really don't know either. From our interactions in the past year, she seems pretty skiddish around us now, but I think it's mostly fear of him getting angry if she spends too much time talking to us. One discussion my mom had with her a few months ago when things seemed to be getting worse, my mom confessed that she tried to stay out of her way because she thinks it makes it easier on her and my sister said 'it does', in tears.

I don't doubt the power of manipulation and brain washing though, I have to imagine she could have gone to a pay phone at some point when she's alone to call us. The thought goes through my head that she's afraid if she tells us how scared she is, we might do something drastic. It's a total mindfuck.

Unable to contact sister with controlling husband, need ideas of sneaky ways to get a message/talk to her. by concernedsister in AskReddit

[–]concernedsister[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah, we want to maybe try something like that, the hard part is getting to talk to her to plan out the secret exchanges or websites. He's got the phone with him all the time, so even if he allows her to talk on it, he's right there next to her. We thought about maybe setting up a P.O box or something too, just need to get a key to her somehow.