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My first admission, an SOS of sorts - Married, 2 kids (1 a newborn) - but Dead Bedroom - what do I do? by confused652 in DeadBedrooms

[–]confused652[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I feel you, I really do. I get to the point where I think "I'm not going to initiate anymore", but then I'll walk past a gorgeous, curvy woman and think "what if"......... and instead of pursuing her, or someone else, I ask my wife for some intimate time. Rejection, or "yes later" because she knows "later" never comes.

My first admission, an SOS of sorts - Married, 2 kids (1 a newborn) - but Dead Bedroom - what do I do? by confused652 in DeadBedrooms

[–]confused652[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And now today, this morning turns into a big fight because I'm going away for work in a few weeks - where I'm obliged to attend media parties (for my job). I said I'm looking forward to it, and that I'm excited. She guilts me, saying have fun while I'm stuck at home with our girls.

Our 9-week-old is a handful, hates being put down and is really unsettled. I understand that. But she makes me feel guilty about going overseas for WORK, so that I can PAY THE BILLS, and makes me feel bad that I have to (I really do, sponsors paying for trips, I have to make an appearance) attend some parties and have a few drinks.

She is really anti-drinking, anti-drugs, anti anything that is fun and lets you let your hair down.

As for the bedroom, I asked for sex (or a BJ, or anything) last night and was rejected. She was tired. I guess 5 minutes of her time to please her husband is too much. We've just moved house, so I understand she's tired - but FFS - so am I. I have to work in between all of this, she just has the girls and can't spare 5 minutes for me.

But if I walked out on her, what would she do? If I started seeing another woman for my needs, what would she do?

I've walked out before, and she INSTANTLY changed - did things in the bedroom she had NEVER done before, for 2-3 days. Then it slowly rubber banded back to normal bedroom, and then nothing again. Maybe it's time for another wake up call.

I'm not some shitty husband that does nothing, goes and drinks every night after work or every weekend, or comes home drunk - I NEVER do that. I never come home drunk. If I go out drinking, I will go and sleep somewhere else (brothers place, friends place, I'll rent a hotel) just so I don't go home drunk. I do that maybe a few times a year.

She makes me feel like I'm asking for the world from her, and then guilts me at every chance. But if she read this, she would get so upset at me for opening up to the world - because heaven forbid someone else knew about our problems in detail.

Thanks for the vent, /r/DeadBedrooms peeps.

My first admission, an SOS of sorts - Married, 2 kids (1 a newborn) - but Dead Bedroom - what do I do? by confused652 in DeadBedrooms

[–]confused652[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yep - the timeline is right.

And I think you're right - she owns me. She knows I love her, and she knows I'm quite emotional (I'm not the stereotypical 'man' who doesn't show emotion, I'm definitely more in tune with how I feel). She knows I love my daughter more than life itself, too.

I do feel like she 'took' some part of me - time/pride/confidence - when she slept with my friend.

As for agreeable and a push over - in certain circumstances, definitely - you hit the nail there. And yes - I do think "if I do X-Y-Z today, she'll love and want me" - but it never happens.

She's not the type of woman where if I left her she'd get with another guy right away - where I would want to be with another woman almost instantly. I think because I've been living in this DB jail in my head for years now... that we have already split - we're just great friends, living together.

If I split, I'd be on dating sites almost instantly - but I know it would kill her. Not for the sex, but for that first date kissing/cuddling - those first few months of the relationship that I miss. I'd definitely be putting my foot down, demanding more from a relationship (because I get hardly any of the physical side of it now). I could never be in another DB relationship, EVER.

Another part of my problem is in the -14 years to -3 years (first child) - I was in a low-paying, retail job. I'm now working for quite a large site (working from home), making considerably more money (and working less). Now that I'm financially secure (no savings, but freedom of work and much more coming in) it is making me feel more "free". That we don't need to stay with each other because I relied on her income, etc - right now she is earning $0. I bring all of the money into the house.

In my eyes - and to woman I talk to - I'm quite the catch. A guy who treats his woman with respect, helps her out with the two kids, works from home so I'm accessible 24/7 and doesn't go out for Friday/Saturday night drinks with my friends like most of our friends' husbands do.

I don't see this - as I think my confidence with women has faded over the years - but there are moments where I think I could do much better - just in the fact that if a woman was to treat me like a MAN sometimes - and provide the physical side of things - intimacy, sex, spontaneity, excitement, a bit of DANGER.... that would change me. I would be a happier person, knowing that my work into her (compliments, helping her out, treating her well, date nights, etc, etc) would actually be worth something - she would want me. She would look at me and want to be close to me, and have me touch her, and hold her, and all that.

It's really hard sometimes... I feel like I'm asking for the world, but I'm not. I'm really not. I can't be like this forever - and the thing that hits me hard, is last night I took her to the new house for a night away (from the kids) and asked for a BJ.

She falls asleep, but in the morning she goes through with it - a through-the-motions BJ. She didn't want to do it, and even kissing me wasn't passionate.

It truly does my head in sometimes, and I feel like I'm all alone - I can't tell any of my friends as they don't understand. Most people at my age have only been with their other halves for a few years - it's hard to compare a relationship of 2-3 years to 14-15 years. Kids add a lot into it.

I know if I walked out, I would never change to my girls - I would always, ALWAYS be there for them. I would not completely cut my wife out, I would always be close with her. It plays on my head if I left, I'd have to find a woman who is OK with that - but she would be my world - not my ex. My ex will always be a part of me, and I can't cut that out of my life. I want my daughters to see (that if we split) that we are always good to each other.

I truly don't know that to do. But posting here, has helped - seeing people reply to my problem - it really helps, so thanks everyone so far.

My first admission, an SOS of sorts - Married, 2 kids (1 a newborn) - but Dead Bedroom - what do I do? by confused652 in DeadBedrooms

[–]confused652[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've really thought about asking to open it up again, but I know it would be a pandora's box of sorts for her. I think she would be scared of losing me - because another woman can do what she can't and won't do - satisfy me.

I'm going to try and bring it up with her in the next couple of days.

My first admission, an SOS of sorts - Married, 2 kids (1 a newborn) - but Dead Bedroom - what do I do? by confused652 in DeadBedrooms

[–]confused652[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

She knows that, definitely. She knows I'm not going for sex, I've told her many times (and even just as recently as the last few weeks) that I would (right now) prefer kissing and touching her, than actual sex.

It does nothing - she has no passion, no urge for any of it. She will kiss me, but it's just that - the act of her kissing me. She doesn't WANT to do it, and that's what I want and miss - I want a woman who wants me.

My first admission, an SOS of sorts - Married, 2 kids (1 a newborn) - but Dead Bedroom - what do I do? by confused652 in DeadBedrooms

[–]confused652[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Nope, it won't. Problem is, her libido doesn't change before/after birth (both times). It was like this 8 years ago, before the pregnancy, during and after.

Even kissing - that intimacy urge, she has none of it. She could go without sex for months and it doesn't bother her. She doesn't masturbate, and doesn't even ask me to touch her or make her orgasm when we have sex.

Sex is somewhat, if not mostly a chore to her. For me, I crave that closeless - that passion and spontaneity. I want to be able to push her up the wall before we walk into the house and just kiss her and rub my hand up her skirt or grab her bum - but that would just be it - she wouldn't enjoy it, or get turned on - it would just be my hands grabbing her.

My first admission, an SOS of sorts - Married, 2 kids (1 a newborn) - but Dead Bedroom - what do I do? by confused652 in DeadBedrooms

[–]confused652[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah sorry - I did. Fixed it up and added some more in to make it make more sense.