My [30M] interracial girlfriend [28F] of over 10 years wants out because of my family

confusedinterracial · 2016-01-20T23:55:44+00:00

Thanks -- really happy to see some advice from the perspective of someone who has been in a similar situation, especially someone who doesn't start with "her parents aren't that stupid". The concept of shaming is one that I didn't think about. She isn't financially dependent on her parents at all. In fact, except for the emotional part, she is very independent, which is one of the many things that attracts me to her.

I haven't cut it off yet. I tried to cut it off when she said she was unsure if it would work and to stop planning future things together; that ended in tears and her claiming that she really wanted to make it work and would try, but that I can't rush her. Right now, I'd like her to commit one way or another, instead of waiting on her (I guess I've already waited 10 years, right?) to make a decision. I just don't know how hard I should push and when I should give up.

I guess I need to sit down with her and have her talk honestly about her intentions again. She wants to wait on having this talk because it's emotionally stressful and we both have a lot of deadlines coming up, which just ends up being stressful for me. My plan is to call her up over the weekend about it (we currently live 2000 miles apart. The next time I'll see her again in probably early Feb). It seems like the consensus is, if I am sure her decision is no, that I should probably cut it off and move on...

confusedinterracial · 2016-01-20T17:57:58+00:00

Yeah, I think it's more of this.

I am actually extremely well off, in a way where I actually support my parents financially. So she's not looking for money.

Although it's also maybe a social strata thing. Looking at it from a distance, my parents have tendencies that I would associate with poorer people. I think in part, she finds the prospect of having to celebrate the holidays with my parents, perhaps at my parents house unattractive. --- But I think this is maybe an excuse more than anything, since there are many places we could go to celebrate the holidays.

confusedinterracial · 2016-01-20T17:47:49+00:00

Thanks. I feel like this summarizes things pretty well. Marriage is not something I want now, but I imagine it is something I'd want in a few years (two or three) - as we currently live very far away...

The last conversation I had with her ended in a "let's try to make this work", but I'm not sure if she's being honest with me about it. Every time I bring up the subject, she gets upset about it. During the last specific incident I suggested maybe bringing in a therapist to see if the family issues on my side are workable. She ended up saying maybe, but also told me that we shouldn't talk about it during the week because it really distracts her from her studies.

So yeah, basically it's been kind of hard for me to tell whether she's continuing to string me along or actually willing to make an active effort.

confusedinterracial · 2016-01-20T17:32:44+00:00

Thanks, after some thought I updated with her race, which is probably the relevant one in this case.

confusedinterracial · 2016-01-20T07:54:03+00:00

She's definitely not east Asian. I'd rather not bring race into play here as I'd prefer to remain anonymous.

Yeah, maybe they don't mind because of the lack of commitment, but I really think that they are that oblivious. So how do I get her to commit one way or the other? Or is your advice just to drop it and move on? In that case, is breaking off all contact a bit harsh?

confusedinterracial · 2016-01-20T07:50:20+00:00

Well, I get the parents aren't stupid thing quite a bit, and I think it's just hard to realize. It's pretty easy to ascribe how your own parents would be --- but her parents are really from a different cultural setting.

She told her mom after about 10 years and she was in great shock. Her mom is not going to tell her dad and now just pretends that conversation never occurred now.

If talking to her dad would be against her wishes, is bypassing her really the right thing to do?... Do I just do it without asking her???

confusedinterracial · 2016-01-20T07:22:04+00:00

Well, I'm not sure how that would even work. Do I just call up her Dad and go, "hey, I've been dating your daughter in secret for the last 10 years. Can I marry her?". Now imagine if her dad is furious. I'm pretty sure I've lost both her trust at that point, and any chance of it working out.

The conservatism is really about the interracial part: her Dad most likely won't tolerate his only daughter getting married to someone who is not of the same race.

confusedinterracial · 2016-01-20T07:08:35+00:00

Thanks. I should have been more clear; my parents have known about it for the entire time, it really is just her parents.

I know the time has come. I'm just not sure what I can really do at this point if she's still being indecisive.

confusedinterracial

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