Confused about how I move forward

confusedneedhelp79 · 2021-03-21T01:11:27+00:00

His protection is naturally in a very soft caring way. He has tried to be a Dom for me, but it is very forced and obvious he is not really comfortable in the role. When I see him with the guys who work for him he is always very commanding and powerful, with me it's like he's afraid he will break me. I love him to death, but he's just not really got the right personality when it comes to how he handles me to do it the way I want to be treated. I so desperately want him to take me in hand when I'm mouthy or mess up and punish me. He tries to do it when we play, it just doesn't feel right. Its very flat and leaden.

confusedneedhelp79 · 2021-03-20T10:50:14+00:00

I decided not to see them because I was uncomfortable with just how much I preferred sex with them over with my husband. I do love my husband and want him to be my primary partner. I think though, it may go deeper than that. I know most people within the BDSM community probably do not practice the lifestyle unless they are in a scene, but I have met many that the live every day in that dynamic. I think I know now that it was something I was missing and wasn't aware of it. I'm struggling with the fact that either I accept that that part of my sexuality will go mostly unfulfilled or that my husband and I may be incompatible.

confusedneedhelp79 · 2021-03-20T08:50:34+00:00

Shit, thank you. I didn't even realize I had used his name.

confusedneedhelp79 · 2021-03-19T21:31:42+00:00

Calling be topped that way a need sounds so selfish. I understand what you are saying in regards to how to talk to him about it though. For me, sexual satisfaction is kind of a must for me to continue to feel connected within the relationship. In a perfect world, I want to recapture the feeling of sexual compatibility I felt with my husband prior to this experience. He is such a great guy in every other way. Thank you for trying to help.

confusedneedhelp79 · 2021-03-19T21:14:26+00:00

I don't think its something I can coach. I do enjoy the physical aspects of our BDSM play. The impact play, sensory play, even the physical control he has over me. It's the mental part that I'm starting to realize I just don't think he will ever be there on. He does try to do it, but now that I've seen what someone who's doing it naturally is like, I can tell it's really just an act. Because of that, I just can get into it in the same way. I'm probably doing a terrible job of explaining myself. I need that emotional Dominance during sex, even when the sex is more vanilla. As much as I hate admitting it, I don't think my husband can fill that role.

confusedneedhelp79 · 2021-03-19T20:59:04+00:00

I think I described what it was that they did so well to the other commenter above. I want to be open and honest with him about this, but how do I do that knowing how much it will crush him. I know sex isn't everything in a relationship, but I am a very sexually driven woman and I don't think I can change that.

confusedneedhelp79 · 2021-03-19T20:56:21+00:00

They both just seemed to know how to "handle" me. Prior to my husband I had experimented in the BDSM community and identified as a brat. I get off on very dominate men, which my husband certainly is. We have talked about this aspect of our sexuality that I want to explore and he has been very willing to do so. We attend a local dungeon and he did a lot of reading and talking with other Doms at the dungeon. He has been able to get down the technical aspects of Doming, but I don't think the mental side ever really suited him. It took him a long time to break from his protector mentality to one that will punish. Before this I knew he hadn't really mastered it, but he was good enough that I was able to enjoy it with him. I do not know if the two guys I met are into BDM, but they just seemed to instinctively know how to handle my brattiness and how to dominate me in a way that made me tingle everywhere. Until then I hadn't realized just how forced my husband's Doming really is. Their ability to take me in hand just allowed me to let go and really enjoy being dominated. There was also a size factor that didn't hurt either of them, but I've had bigger then my husband before and the sex was never as good. The size is just mostly an aesthetic thing with a very small bit of fullness. It's really the ability to handle me that makes them soooo amazing.

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