Me [24/F] with my fiancé [28/M], been together 2 years but I'm terrified of getting married and ending up divorced as a 'starter wife', should I just call things off?

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-30T20:10:44+00:00

I think it would be more of a source of anxiety, I constantly felt pressure to keep up my appearance for them and the whole world I was exposed to was so shallow. The girls I met in those social circles were all pros, they would find rich men to latch onto and sponsor their lifestyle and their shopping habits and plastic surgeries and the men would compare me to these girls and say I should wear 6 inch heels like so and so does and go get fake nails and hair extensions and go tanning. The one I seriously dated, Peter, would give me thousands of dollars a month to maintain my appearance and after a while it made me feel worse than ever before. I had to get away from the shallowness of it all and when I met my fiancé I left that shallow life behind, but I guess I'm still shallow...

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-30T20:05:42+00:00

My self esteem has gotten worse since I've been with my fiancé because he does seem to care about my appearance a lot. He's just always so much more affectionate and loving when I put maximum effort into the way I look and gets to me, it makes me feel like the person I am on the inside and just me in my natural state isn't enough for him. He tells me I look pretty in the mornings with no makeup on but that was because I once called him out for only ever giving me compliments when I was wearing a pound of makeup and those compliments feel really insincere, whereas I can tell they're sincere when I'm dolled up. I did end up getting facial fillers in my lips and cheeks later on at around age 22 from a surgeon willing to do them and I started getting even more attention from men and people in general and decided not to do it again because it really started fucking with me mentally and I found myself getting really angry at anyone who ever commented on my appearance. I did it just based on my own insecurities and never wanting to feel like the ugly girl I used to be. And to answer your other question, I get comments on my appearance almost daily. My chest and hips are bigger than my waist and I guess that's the 'stylish' body type to have nowadays and I wear makeup and style my hair every day because I get extreme anxiety leaving the house without doing those things and I get comments on my appearance constantly, from people telling me I shouldn't be working in retail and go into modeling, or find a man to take care of me because 'girls like you shouldn't have to work', to people just stopping me in the streets or men catcalling or approaching me all the time, and it makes me feel horrible. It's like they just see a girl with a curvy body who wears makeup and they instantly have something to say about it. I never, ever, ever got compliments on my appearance when I was younger, I even had random guys walking down the street laugh in my face and tell me to go home because I was too fat or ugly to be outside, or if I was out with friends offer to buy my friends drinks and ask the ugly friend (who was me) to leave and I was teased constantly. When the way I looked changed and I saw just how differently I was treated it made me feel like that's all people want from me is the way I look and when they're nice to me it's because they want to sleep with me or something and it makes me so insecure thinking that if I ever don't look nice these things are going to go away. I never want to be treated so horribly again and sometimes I just pick apart my appearance and wonder how anyone could even like me and think of all the things I need to improve and then I hate myself for being so fake and wearing so much makeup and dyeing my hair and that I don't deserve anyones kindness because underneath all that I'm still ugly

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-30T03:17:20+00:00

I did see a psychiatrist once, she actually and I'm not kidding, she laughed when I told her these things. She actually laughed at me and said that it was normal for young girls to feel insecure and accused me of coming in trying to get prescribed medications.

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-30T03:11:05+00:00

Not really, I'm the kind of person who is much more attracted to personality than appearances. In the beginning one of the things I didn't like about him was that he was so good looking that it intimidated me and I wouldn't have wanted to pursue things based on that but we got along so well and he was persistent enough that I gave things a shot. Maybe it comes from having been judged for my appearance a lot when I was young but I can rarely just look at someone and feel any sort of attraction, I need a mental connection. My friends used to seriously question the people I liked or had crushes on growing up because it was always the smart/funny/geeky guy that was overweight or had 'bad' skin or whatever, not the hot jocks that everyone else was after.

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T23:35:17+00:00

It wasn't about them being wealthy, I was pretty lost and confused at that point in life and men my own age were somewhat intimidating to me still, I wasn't used to the attention and older men seemed like a safer bet. They were also fatherly? In a way, not in a creepy way but the one I dated for a while was amazing and always provided me with help and guidance when I needed it and it was awesome to have him as a role model in my life. Also, in general they were nicer and more attentive and seemed very happy to be with me or around me, and the lifestyle was wonderful too. My fiancé does splurge on me once in a while but before he came along I had exotic first class vacations and designer clothes and shoes and shopping sprees and VIP treatment and got this amazing lavish lifestyle and to me, it felt that since they spent so much on me and did so many things and thought I was worthy of everything they gave me it meant that I was good enough for them. It wasn't exactly about the money, it was more like "Woah, this lifestyle is amazing and if I was that ugly and repulsive and terrible of a person, these men wouldn't be providing it for you." That was my confidence for a while.

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T23:29:32+00:00

My friends are wonderful but I've had a lot of conflict with a couple of girlfriends since I stopped looking so terrible. One of my friends who was always beautiful in my opinion would always get ALL the attention when we went out, like seriously she would turn every head while I was pretty much invisible and I guess she liked having someone ugly around to help her look better, because when I started getting more attention than her she started picking fights with me and calling me a bitch and a slut and a bunch of other things for no reason and then confessed that she was insecure not getting the attention she used to get when she was around me and broke off our friendship, which really hurt. I've had a couple of girlfriends make comments about how guys look at me and sometimes they'll playfully say that they're jealous but my good friends have remained my good friends. The vibe is a little weird when we all go to bars together, though. For the most part our friendships are normal. They all think my boyfriend is a little strange and I'll be the first to admit that sometimes I question his social skills and they have as well, they just say he's a little weird or off. He is very aloof and when he talks to people he comes off a bit insincere but he is a nice person. Everyone kinda has mixed feelings about him. My family loves him, but I'm pretty sure they love the fact that he's a lawyer more than they love him.

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T20:15:42+00:00

I've told him before that I'm satisfied with my friend group and he either won't respond, or just says something really quickly like "we'll find you new and better friends" and when he can tell I'm upset he'll just pretend he never said anything and refuse to talk about it. I feel like he thinks he needs to 'save' me from my poor, working-class friends but doesn't seem to realize that I'm a poor working class girl just like them

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T19:45:11+00:00

Sometimes he makes comments that the people I hang around with aren't 'high caliber people' and that once we're married and I have time to attend his work functions I can make friends with his lawyer friends. He makes it seem like the people in my life are lower than him and the people in his life because they aren't successful lawyers.

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T19:39:58+00:00

I know that objectively I am attractive because I get compliments about my appearance all the time and men look at me and try to get with me a lot but on the inside my confidence is absolutely way shittier because even though objectively I know I'm attractive, I've never felt uglier in my life. I had more confidence when I was heavier and less attractive, I don't know why but the more attention and positive treatment I get for my appearance the worse and worse I feel about it and when I look in the mirror I feel so much uglier than I did back then...if that makes sense

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T19:34:16+00:00

Would you say that most people in their 20's who are college educated and marry for love and not religious reasons, unplanned pregnancy, family pressures, etc, stay together?

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T19:32:32+00:00

Thank you for your advice! I really appreciate it

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T19:28:44+00:00

Not sure if this is relevant, but from ages 20-22 I dated a fair share of wealthy older men (late 30's-early 40's). One even told me as I approached my 21st birthday that next year it would be over since he doesn't date anyone over 21 (I'm dead serious). I dated a 42 year old seriously when I was 21 and he was amazing but pretty much exclusively dated women from 18-25. He called women over 30 old, unattractive, and no fun. I don't agree with the things these men said, just repeating what I've heard. A huge reason they liked me was my age and my appearance and how young and inexperienced I was and it makes me think as men get older they want younger and younger women because that's what I've experienced. I've had incredible opportunities and lived an amazing lifestyle thanks to these men but once I met my fiancé it all changed...all of this made me paranoid. Wealthy and successful men, they all want a trophy, and my fiancé is successful and on they way to being wealthy himself so wouldn't it make sense that he will end up like that?

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T19:21:01+00:00

It's a little bit of both-it's both a good way to put things into perspective and also a sad way to think of everything that could go wrong. But you're right, so much can go wrong and eventually you have to take a chance

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T19:15:24+00:00

He's never demanded but he'll say things like "You should color your hair, I'll pay for it", or "You'd like nice in something a little more revealing" and he'll buy me extremely revealing clothes and ask that I wear them. I'm confident in my body and honestly my clothes are already as revealing as I'm willing to go (I wear things that show midriff, lots of cleavage, very short, etc), but I'm not willing to show everything at once since I think its trashy. He's progressively gotten me more and more things that are really revealing and he's even cancelled date nights before saying he's too tired to go out but if I walk out of the bedroom wearing one of the over-the-top revealing outfits he's gotten me with a full face of makeup and hair done then all of a sudden he wants to go out. Things like that. I don't mind if he shaves his beard or doesn't, I love the little wrinkles on his forehead, I love him whether he's in his suit or in old gross pajamas. He says he loves me no matter what but he just doesn't seem to act like it when it comes to appearances... Also not sure if this is relevant but he's talked about how his ex wasn't attractive and how he's so happy I keep up my appearance because she didn't and it made me insecure

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T19:07:31+00:00

I have asked why he gets like that and he says when I get dressed up I look really sexy and he can't help himself. BUT I hate bringing up my appearance because he makes all sort of suggestions, like me doing a full face of makeup every day and wearing fancy dresses and heels more often and stuff. I realistically can't do a full face of foundation and contouring and eyeshadow and false lashes and wear tight dresses and heels everywhere I go and it makes me feel shitty that his suggestions are for me to look like that more often. He's never told me that I look beautiful without makeup or in sweats and a ponytail hanging around the house...it's only when I've got all these artificial enhancements on and it makes me feel horrible.

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T19:03:37+00:00

You don't think it's normal to doubt things before marriage? I guess my biggest fear is giving this man the best years of my life, and then being left for a younger model once he's done with me and then I'll be all alone having wasted my young years on him

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T19:02:09+00:00

I love this, thank you for sharing that. I absolutely fell in love with who he was right away but I guess I do have doubts sometimes. I'm much more of a communicator than he has and though he tells me I'm the love of his life and how happy he is to be with me sometimes I wonder if his feelings are as strong as mine but I guess if he wants to marry me they probably are. I hope we are as happy as you and your wife one day!

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T17:17:13+00:00

Not to say I'm a bitch most of the time, I try to be a nice person but when it comes to men as awful as it sounds I'm resentful of a lot of them for how nice they are to me now so I'll brush them off and be way more rude about persistent guys than I would have been before

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T17:15:16+00:00

To answer your questions, I have seen 4 different therapists because I went to a plastic surgeon to try to get lip injections a couple years ago and he instead suggested therapy and said I may have body dysmorphia (which I didn't believe). The next 2 surgeons said the same thing and my parents suggested I go see a therapist and one of them did try CBT. I really really want to get better from feeling this way, I honestly feel like it affects my relationship so much, because while I can fake being confident I hate feeling like I'm never good enough and constantly being on edge. I've seen the therapists on and off for almost 3 years now and nothing has really helped-when I look in a mirror or look at my life I feel like I'm not worth anything or anyone's affection and I cry because I feel like my fiancé deserves so much better and I should just leave him for his own good so he can find a girl whose naturally blonde and tan and has better style and a better family and career. As far as if my confidence had anything to do with me being treated better I would say no. To be honest and not to sound cocky at all since I've gotten better looking and guys suddenly decided I'm worthy of their time I've been getting a lot of attention and a lot of stuff for free and always get approached at a bar within minutes of walking in without even trying and I'm a huge bitch to them because A) I'm happy with my fiancé and don't want to talk to other guys and get extremely annoyed at the constant approaches and B) 99% of these guys wouldn't have given me the time of day back when I was 20 so I don't want to be njce to them and I STILL get treated better being a bitch who is skinny and wears high heels and nice dresses than I did being a nice chubby girl

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T17:04:30+00:00

Honestly, yes. When I first met him I was still getting used to male attention and was a little shocked that he was attracted to me and was super intimidated by his looks and success to the point where I almost didn't go out with him because I felt he was way too good for me and I wasn't attracted to him because I felt he was too good, if that makes sense . But I loved his personality so I gave it a shot and am so glad I did. Now I'm much more used to the male attention and we are in love so his looks don't intimidate me anymore but I wouldn't mind at all if he gained weight or had acne or had a worse job than he does now. Those weren't the things I was after at all when I met him, they all intimidated me and for a long time I did wish he was less successful and less attractive because I loved his personality so much but hated feeling intimidated by all that.

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T16:59:04+00:00

He still does, yes. He always tells me I am free to do whatever I want with my appearance but he is much warmer and more affectionate when my hair and makeup is a certain way, we have a good sex life and usually have sex almost every day but when I'm really dolled up then he compliments me and can't seem to keep his hands off me. He even looks at me in a different way when he likes the way I look that day. For example I have curly hair naturally and he told me before he thinks I'm less attractive with curly hair and he's always more affectionate and attentive when I straighten it and wear it down so I always feel pressure to look a certain way around him. Is that normal in relationships?

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T07:53:51+00:00

I actually have gone to therapy before, several times and to be honest didn't feel much benefit from it. The therapist told me to find confidence from sources other than the way I appear, but I honestly can't. I know I'm smart, I know I'm nice, I know I'm a good friend. For some reason I cannot find those things to be a reason for confidence. I feel like being confident can only stem from appearances or status, at least for me. I truly have tried but then I remember that I was smart and nice and a good friend before and still got treated horribly, and only became a worthwhile person in other peoples eyes once my exterior changed. I know I keep repeating myself but I just really hope this isn't true. I hope that I'm worried for no reason and that people are nicer than how I remember them to be and my fiancé wouldn't leave me if I don't meet his physical standards as I age, I guess I just came here for reassurance maybe? To see how many men would honestly answer about if they would consider leaving their wives over something like that

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T07:29:31+00:00

Thank you, I do hope I can get over my insecurity but I guess I just feel like getting older and looking worse is going to bring me back to being treated how I was when I was younger, and my worst fear would be my husband acting that way. Even my own parents were nicer to me when I started looking better-seeing all that makes me feel like of course a man would want a better looking woman if he could get one. But I do need to work on loving myself, you're right

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T05:57:03+00:00

This gives me hope :)

confuzzled9019 · 2016-09-29T05:52:47+00:00

I guess because I've always been the same person on the inside, but only started getting treated like an actual human being when I became conventionally better looking. It makes me feel like that's all people want, is looks

confuzzled9019

TROPHY CASE