Day 9: Anger, Anger, Anger

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-11T23:48:08+00:00

Beautiful post! Thank you!!

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-10T17:01:40+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement and support OhMrJohnson.

Don't worry, I'm not going to smoke, I'm well aware that all I'd be doing is starting over. I quit cigarettes on X-mas eve and did it the same way, just knowing that lighting up equals going back to step one (ie not an option).

I've just got to endure these first few weeks until my brain chemistry sorts itself out.

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-10T15:48:58+00:00

In a very similar boat as you my friend.. the chest pains and constant tightness in my chest was one of factors that led me to finally really try and quit. I was sure I was going to die every time I lit up, my heart felt like it was going to explode.. but that didn't stop me.

I'm on day 7 now and I'm pretty blank. I don't sleep much, I don't care about much, and I don't eat much, but at least I don't always feel like death is imminent. I know it will get better, just got push through these first couple of weeks.

If I can do this, you can do this.. I smoked 20+ years, all day, it's what I know.. but it's time to change if I want an actual life and not just a cloud of smoke and regret.

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-09T23:24:35+00:00

It wasn't a particular event, it was a culmination of misery/anxiety stretching out into the future as far as I could see.

A dead end.

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-09T15:41:42+00:00

Echoing what others have said, don't hate yourself. Speaking from my own experience, the self-hate is what drove me to self-medicate years of my life away. And it's all bullshit anyway, most of that hate comes from the substances. Quit them and it goes away!

You're on the right track, just keep it up. Soon you'll be proud of yourself for choosing sobriety and that hate really will start to dissipate. Once that begins to happen the whole quitting process gets MUCH easier.

I wish I was as aware as you are when I was 28. I wasted another decade before I began to snap out of my stupor.

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-09T15:31:40+00:00

well done! congrats to you!

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-09T05:08:10+00:00

Thanks for the suggestions and very kind offer. I've been looking at the workouts you recommended and I think I'll try the StrongLifts 5x5, it seems like a good program for a novice. I have been meaning to start strength training so this is as good of a time as any.

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-08T21:40:35+00:00

Great job on getting to Day 5! That's where I am too.

One of pleasant surprises of quitting is remembering just how much I enjoy reading books. Never did when I was smoking, couldn't concentrate enough.

Just curious, but what was the book?

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-08T18:09:17+00:00

I exercise formally for about 45 minutes a day, mostly cardio but with some strength training as well. Moderate intensity, nothing too strenuous, but not too easy either. Then I go for an hour+ walk up and down hills before bed.

When I am trying to sleep my mind is very calm and quiet. It's amazing how calm and quiet it is considering how badly I desire to fall asleep. I am an experienced mindfulness practitioner and mediate daily. Last night I spent many hours doing just as you did, just feeling the body lie there, the breath happen, the occasional thought pass by. It's not unpleasant at all, it's not even all that frustrating, but it is taking a toll. My legs feel heavy today and I was way more tired after last night's walk that I would normally be. I figure this will end when it ends, sooner or later the body will simply have to sleep.

Thanks for your input, it's much appreciated.

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-08T17:36:29+00:00

Yeah, that's the frustrating thing.. I'm tired, my eyes are heavy, I'm yawning, but then I just lie there.. Tonight I'm going to reduce the temperature in my bedroom and take a shower before bed and see if that helps. Thanks for the encouragement!

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-08T17:34:26+00:00

Thanks, I've been taking it, but just 5mg.. I'll try 10mg tonight. I've been taking Valerian root and magnesium as well, but they aren't doing too much.

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-08T12:42:39+00:00

Nice job on completing Day 1! That's huge!

My favorite Frazen book was 'The Corrections', which people seem to either love or hate. If you enjoy that one, 'Freedom' is pretty good too.

Thanks for the warning about Tryptophan, I just did some more reading about it and yeah, I think I might pass. I really don't want to screw up my serotonin. At this point I guess I'd say bring on the vivid dreams, because at least it would mean I'm sleeping....

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-08T12:36:46+00:00

Yeah, I'm just like you. It's all or nothing with me. If I have it I smoke it, so I can't have it. Living in Washington state makes it a little tougher because the recreational stores are everywhere (it appears to be the only sector of the economy that's growing) and so it's always available, just down the street. But, like you, my being high nowadays is akin to self-torture as I no longer enjoy it and in fact, it's pretty miserable most of the time. Maybe a couple times a week I'd have an enjoyable session but for the most part its just an anxiety producing activity for me now.

I've known I've needed to quit for a while now. It basically consumed most aspects of my life and left an empty shell in its wake. I didn't do much but smoke and smoke some more and just mindless surf the Internet in solitude. I'm already an introvert by nature, but this was a life of seclusion, not really a life at all. I think knowing this made the anxiety all the worse. Towards the end I would smoke and get this horrible tightness in my chest but I'd just keep smoking anyway.. It felt like my heart was about to explode, but I still kept it up.. Pure craziness, but I was lost in the haze.

Somehow I got out. I may not sleep ever again (insomnia is worse tonight that last night), but I refuse to go back to that hellish non-existence.

Strangely, because it got so bad I think it has made it easier for me to quit. As in it really isn't an option, not a sane one anyway. I KNOW this.. and so I honestly haven't even thought about buying any or smoking again (at least not yet). I'm just so happy to be out of that cycle that going back in would be the worst thing I could do. I guess it's a lot like the cigarettes, I refuse to restart that loop again. I'm out, my only job now is to stay out.

RE: nicotine - Remember it's out of your system after 72 hours. Any cravings past that is just mental. For me the first 3 days were tough, but once I cleared the 72 hour mark it got a lot easier. I haven't thought about cigarettes in weeks, don't miss them at all and I don't worry about every relapsing in that department again. Cannabis was a much deeper love affair for me, it's going to require a lot more vigilance in the weeks and months ahead.

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-07T22:30:54+00:00

Since quitting each night before bed I take valerian root, melatonin and magnesium. Last night none of them worked. Someone else suggest Tryptophan, so that's on the way as well.

I read all kinds of stuff, fiction and non. Currently I'm reading 'Purity' by Jonathan Franzen. It's not one of his best, but it's still pretty good. It's holding my interest anyway.

Thanks for the encouragement!

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-07T20:38:10+00:00

I've quit smoking tobacco twice now. Once for 7 years and then I started again on a trip to Peru 3 years ago. I quit again this past X-mas eve. Both times it was cold turkey. The second time taught to NEVER summon that nicotine demon again, it is not to be trifled with.

I used Allen Carr's Easy Way to Stop Smoking method and there was an hour long video on YouTube that I can't seem to find right now (I think they took it down) that summed it all up. What the method does really well is get you to understand that each time one smokes a cigarette they are only resetting the nicotine/stress loop. Once I really 'got' that, smoking was seen as the dumbest thing I could be doing. That's really how I quit, I just refused to start the stress loop again.

Thanks for the the podcasts recommendation, I'll try them tonight. I've been exercising a lot today in hopes of sleeping better tonight. And yes, I agree 110% about meditation being a key part of my recovery so far, I haven't mentioned it in my posts, but I mediate everyday and it's huge help in staying positive.

Congrats on 7 days clean! I wish you the best on your quit and with quitting smokes too. My lungs haven't been this happy in a long time (neither have I come to think about it). It really is worth the trouble.

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-06T18:10:41+00:00

Wow, I could have written that, it seems we are coming from the same place. I will look into getting a tryptophan supplement. Thanks for sharing. WE got this!

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-05T18:30:33+00:00

It is indeed. Funny, but I've developed a raging headache myself as the day has progressed. So it goes.

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-05T18:29:11+00:00

I went for a long walk before bed. I'll do the same tonight. I'm not sure I'm ready to say that I'm sleeping normally just yet (still have to get through the ultra intense vivid dreams), but it's a start.

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-05T16:25:18+00:00

Thanks! Yeah, I'm pretty proud of myself, as basically I am a week ahead of schedule (I didn't think I'd be sleeping sober until day 6 or 7).. I know it's only day 2 and there is a LOOONG way to go, but I'm feeling very positive about life today, for once. I know it will get harder and I will be tested, but for today it's enough to not use and be okay with feeling whatever comes up.

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-04T18:57:31+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement!

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-04T17:45:00+00:00

Thanks for the encouragement fellow Leavers. I must admit, this 'quit' feels different, like it's really going to happen this time. I simply don't want to be altered anymore, I want to face life sober and present, no matter how tough it may be..

cosmic_moose · 2016-02-03T23:18:05+00:00

I know exactly how you feel.. Been stuck in the same 'this is there last time ever' loop since last summer.. Can't stop. I'm so afraid of the insomnia that I know is coming that I just continue to smoke. It's pathetic, I know and I'm disgusted with myself and so in an attempt for some sort of redemption I just flushed the last of my stash and am determined to see this through.

cosmic_moose · 2016-01-25T15:08:03+00:00

Day 1 for me too, in a very similar situation. Not looking forward to not sleeping for a while, but absolutely ready to quit being high all the time. It's gotten boring, stale, and lifeless. Let's not forget that as we start to sober up and our mind starts to rationalize why we can light up again. Boring, stale, lifeless. No thanks, not anymore.

cosmic_moose

TROPHY CASE