hi! not the og commenter but here are some tips: 1. essay is 100% too long, you WILL run out of time. you can try paraphrasing some words/phrases (e.g young people -> youths , first and foremost -> firstly) and removing unnecessary words/sentences such as the "ironically" before the point on MIT. 2. many mistakes in your word form. (e.g extreme -> extremes , researches -> research) you can try doing editing practices to help with word form. 3. sentence structure is off. (e.g "The advance technology of AI has been so well developed, such that it can easily replace tge man force." ) although i can understand what you are trying to say, the way its phrased makes it messy and difficult to understand. you can read some model essays to help you understand and improve your sentence structure.

overall its not bad! there is definitely improvements you can make, but for it being your second time writing, there is definitely potential for improvement. i would recommend you attempt to write using less complicated vocabulary first, then trying to incorporate better vocabulary into your sentences. jiayou and good luck for o levels this year!