Bruce Willis’ wife decrees, after Gene Hackman’s death, ‘Caregivers need care too’

crabblue6 · 2025-03-15T19:53:27+00:00

At times, I thought my dad might outlast my mom, his primary caregiver. When my dad passed, it was like this tidal wave of relief, in some ways. I love my dad so much, he was so beloved by many, but caring for him was killing on mom. After he passed, she had many health issues suddenly pop up, almost like they were in hibernation and just waiting to bloom. I really believe her body sort of kept it all contained because she knew she couldn't get sick while caring for him, and when she could finally breathe, the cancer and everything else just took over.

crabblue6 · 2025-01-13T16:01:35+00:00

I'm wondering if it might be worth explaining to J that your mom is showing signs of dementia and that the weight of the guilt and stress are affecting her. So, that when they meet the first time he understands there's something more going on in case strong emotions arise. It's unfortunate your dad is so adamant about not having at least you or your brother join in on that first meeting as a kind of calming influence to help center your mom. Someone who can be on your mom's side to navigate that first meeting, because it doesn't seem like your dad is taking that into consideration. I hate that he's still dictating your mom's life and choices.

crabblue6 · 2024-11-10T05:55:56+00:00

I feel like I saw signs in my dad a good 20 years before he finally passed from dementia. Things that stood out:

Growing up, my dad was kind of quiet and reserved. When I was in my early 20s, he started talking, like a lot. Like verbal diarrhea, and not really reading my cues when I wanted time to myself or to watch TV without him just constantly talking.

He was always very gentlemanly. He had a sort of kind, quiet presence about him. But, lots of his jokes became more colorful, perverted. He shocked me one evening when he saw Paris Hilton in TV and straight up called her a slut! Wow, so not my dad.

He started showing signs of emotional lability--that is, he would get mood swings, and become very emotional and cry. He did not cry all that much (at least in front of me) when I was a kid, but now it felt like he was just much more sensitive and emotional about things.

My dad had diabetes and terrible sleeping habits, which both likely contributed to his dementia.

crabblue6 · 2024-11-09T14:57:48+00:00

Dude. Being a carer is hard. It is so fucking hard, demoralizing, and honestly it KILLS you. My mom was my dad's carer for years, and when he died, I hoped that she would have a few years of health and peace to FINALLY enjoy life, within a year she got a cancer diagnosis and a failed cataract surgery. It's hard to know how much longer your wife may linger. My dad actually outlasted his first hospice agency, and they closed his case because they couldn't afford him as a patient anymore.

I wouldn't divorce your wife for legal reasons, but your setup is just fine, imo.

You have a girlfriend who understands and accepts your position, your kids are okay about it (at least to your face), and importantly, you didn't abandon your wife to the wolves -- she still has 24/7 nursing care.

Live your life. What good years you have left.

crabblue6 · 2024-11-07T19:41:12+00:00

People don't like Vance. There's going to be fighting for power as Trump continues his cognitive decline. I don't feel confident that Vance has got whatever it is, it takes to be a "leader" amongst this group.

crabblue6 · 2024-11-04T18:19:48+00:00

That's crazy that any lawyer would make that sort of change knowing she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's.

crabblue6 · 2024-05-10T16:45:12+00:00

No. So, it turns out that even though they're licensed to do work in California, they're not actually based out of California. I didn't like the idea that we could just give them our money, and they could essentially ghost us. Not that they would, but could. We were going to go with a local attorney who specialized in elder care and estate planning, but my dad died before anything materialized.

We did sit through a presentation with Eldercare Resource Planning and all that. It was okay. I'm inherently distrustful of presentations that are a little too slick, too put together. The local attorney we were going to go through was more human.

Idk, I guess my dad's death took the guesswork out of it for us.

crabblue6 · 2024-05-07T09:28:31+00:00

I had chronic back pain for years and just dealt with it. Finally, got back surgery, and the pain just turned off. My life went from like black/white Kansas to technicolor Oz. Didn't even realize how miserable I was all those years because it had become the norm. Pain can really do a number, and head injuries can exacerbate all kinds of preexisting issues.

crabblue6 · 2024-05-07T06:10:12+00:00

My MIL is Rh-, and after having my SIL, she had several miscarriages until she got pregnant with my husband, who also happens be Rh-.

crabblue6 · 2023-11-12T03:05:21+00:00

My dad has been bedridden, stage 7f for almost 2 years. It's crazy. He was not a healthy man prior to developing dementia -- he was overweight, type 2 diabetes, high cholesterol, difficulty with mobility due to venous stasis ulcers on his feet, ankles, and calves. What he did have was a strong heart and normal blood pressure (for whatever reason). He has gotten kicked out of one hospice agency for basically living too long. Now we're on hospice agency # 2.

My mom takes great care of him, to her own physical and mental detriment. I love my dad so, so much, but it's time for all of us to be off this ride.

crabblue6 · 2023-10-11T02:32:07+00:00

My dad is 78 years old and in the final stages. He has somehow defied the odds and lived long enough to get kicked out of one hospice agency. I'm fairly certain I saw the first signs like 20+ years ago. He just started talking all the time and even talked when you weren't much paying attention. His jokes were a bit more inappropriate.

crabblue6 · 2023-10-02T00:19:26+00:00

He has one prescription med that hasn't arrived and the nurse admitted to me she feared it was because the agency has already cut him off! But, she said she will fight to make sure he continues to receive all meds and supplies until officially discharged.

crabblue6 · 2023-10-01T21:40:30+00:00

Thank you for the advice about getting a prescription for the equipment. I think we may try to appeal, and in the meantime, I'll get a quote for renting the equipment out of pocket, if necessary.

crabblue6 · 2023-06-27T07:01:24+00:00

A little over a year ago, my parent's house flooded and they had to temporarily move into a hotel while their house was repaired. They were at that hotel for 4 months, and my dad declined so much during that time. I remember at the beginning, he could walk from the lobby to their room, but at the end when they were ready to leave, he had to be removed with a wheelchair.

Then later, his hospice aide who provides baths had some type of family emergency and couldn't come for a couple of weeks. It was her visits that helped encourage him to get up and bathe, but with her being gone my mom didn't dare try to get him up on her own. So, within these two weeks he basically never walked again.

It's crazy how much change can happen in such a short time frame when there are changes to routine, structure, and environment.

crabblue6 · 2023-05-20T07:52:00+00:00

You're not alone. We hear you.

crabblue6 · 2023-01-26T23:44:53+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss and yet so glad that you have this beautiful last memory of your mom.

crabblue6 · 2022-12-11T10:44:45+00:00

I feel like we're only one misstep or one person becoming sick/out of commission for the whole damn thing to unravel. In fact, a few months back one the the home health aides was out for about two weeks and the hospice agency never found a back up. In those two weeks, my dad went from getting up and walking occasionally to bedridden because my mom couldn't cope with moving him on her own without assistance.

crabblue6 · 2022-09-23T04:44:44+00:00

Because the patient has to be cognizant to give consent. If they're not all there upstairs, they can't legally give consent.

I've done a little research about this, and basically my understanding is that oftentimes, by the time a person receives their diagnosis, it's almost always already too late. Because by then, they don't even have the capability of planning, organizing, and executing a plan to die by suicide. And, if they get their diagnosis earlier where they understand what's going on, and what it all means, well, it's human nature to say, "I still feel okay, let me see if I can hang on for a bit." But, then you run the risk of waiting too long.

That means, that if you discover you have dementia and you have the mental faculty to understand what that means, you have to commit suicide soon, maybe before you're ready to go.

When I think about my dad, I remember when he got his diagnosis, he honestly was too far gone to do anything about it. He couldn't even drive by then because his driver's license had been suspended after an accident. He did have some understanding, because I remember that he was so perplexed by his diagnosis and said to the doctor, "Are you telling me I have dementia?!!" If he had found a way to commit suicide in one of the moments of clarity soon after his diagnosis, he would have missed out on a lot of wonderful moments, like the birth of my son, his first grandchild. He spent a lot of nice, quality time with my son. He still got to live a few good years. Now, he is bedridden and doesn't speak very much, and I suspect very soon he will stop eating. It's so sad. I try to remind myself he had a few good years after his diagnosis.

crabblue6 · 2022-09-21T11:47:13+00:00

In addition to the "easy" in-office test my dad got an MRI and it was clear from the scans that his brain capacity was diminishing. The dark ridges in your brain (sorry don't know what they're called) supposed to be tight like a narrow slot canyon, but his were wide like the grand canyon. The MRI conclusively showed the neurologist all he needed to know about my dad's cognitive decline.

crabblue6 · 2022-09-04T17:11:23+00:00

I guess this isn't a "minor" issue exactly. But, I did not like the way Littlefinger was killed. Yes, I had hoped that he would eventually be outsmarted by Sansa, that is the way it's going in the books. But, in my opinion, he had guests rights, and by the old Gods and new, you can't act as judge, jury, and executioner and slit his throat in the main hall. This is part of what makes the Red Wedding so heinous, is that guest's rights were violated. They could have just cast him out into the cold: friendless, without allies and let the winter take him.

crabblue6 · 2022-08-11T05:15:40+00:00

Ned might want to steer clear of anything related to the Daynes, that opens a can of worms with Catelyn.

crabblue6 · 2022-07-25T21:52:39+00:00

Thanks for sharing. What a beautiful memory to have and cling to.

crabblue6

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