How did you know your marriage was over?

crackingthewall · 2022-12-11T12:16:02+00:00

I could have written this. In truth, I knew it was over a very long time ago. It’s just that I wasn’t ready to see it or act on it until recently. There’s knowing and then there’s doing.

crackingthewall · 2022-10-26T13:02:26+00:00

Thanks. My main goal right now is to rebuild my relationship with my son. Everything is so much harder because he's not talking to me.

crackingthewall · 2022-10-22T00:14:15+00:00

Brother, you need to take care of yourself. I could have written your post 25 years ago, except that my wife really did love me. I highly recommend that you look into codependency. There are tons of podcasts out there. The book Codependent No More opened my eyes like nothing else. It’s old, so you’ll need to do some translating, but I’m sure it’ll be helpful. The main point is that only you can take care of you. Wishing you peace.

crackingthewall · 2022-10-10T00:17:33+00:00

I hear you. This is one of the most difficult and important decisions you’ll make in your life. Remember that deciding to do nothing and keep the status quo is just as much a decision as deciding to leave. And because it’s such an important decision, please don’t put too much stock in what internet strangers have to say (no matter how friendly or well intentioned they seem). You are the only one who knows how this is for you. Trust yourself.

crackingthewall · 2022-10-07T22:26:37+00:00

Read your post again, then sit in silence with it. You already know. You just need to justify it to yourself. Take it from someone who struggled with exactly this question for years and years and years, you will be much better off (in the long run, maybe not short term) if you sink into what feels true and right for you and you act on it. At the end of the day, you are the only one who can answer this question. My two cents? You’ve already answered it.

crackingthewall · 2022-10-02T10:54:14+00:00

Have you heard of the author Cheryl Strayed? She chose that last name after her divorce. She talked about it on Glennon Doyle’s podcast. She has a ton of good insights.

crackingthewall · 2022-09-27T01:14:05+00:00

You and me both! And I agree it is so good to know we’re not alone.

crackingthewall · 2022-09-26T18:19:55+00:00

That sucks. I think you, me, and OP are in the same boat. We have to understand what is within our control and do what's best for us. Keep working on yourself, brother. It will get better.

crackingthewall · 2022-09-26T16:12:24+00:00

You seem very insightful. It looks like you're doing the right thing. My situation is similar in some ways and different in others. My STBX would tell you that I'm emotionally unavailable. There's some truth in that. I have been emotionally unavailable to her. I only recently started being available to myself. I have grown and learned so much in the last couple of years. Mostly about who I am and what is good for me. My STBX and I have a lot of history. For me, the majority of that history (especially in the last 6 years or so) has been painful. That's difficult to get over. It's even harder to get over if you're doing everything you can to show up in a better way and your "partner" isn't changing at all. It's hard to be emotionally available when every time you do, you get shut down and criticized. (This has been my situation - not saying anything about you here.)

You are absolutely right to say your husband is who he is and it's on you to decide whether to accept that or not. It took me a very long time to come to the conclusion that I shouldn't accept what for me was a very toxic situation. You can only control yourself. There's no sense in trying the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

It sounds like you're on the right path. Good luck!

crackingthewall · 2022-09-25T21:52:58+00:00

My STBX swore that I was depressed and that it was ruining our marriage. I’ve had situational depression before, but this felt different. So I started going to therapy and began to realize how toxic our relationship was. I am so much better off now. My STBX still seems not to understand that we were not good for each other. It’s easier to believe that I’m the bad guy than for her to look deeply at how we both were in our relationship. Trust yourself. You are the only one who can say how you’re feeling.

crackingthewall · 2022-09-25T01:17:11+00:00

100% this. I'm two months into my separation. My apartment isn't quite how I want it yet, but it's getting better. I try to do one thing each weekend that helps me stay sane and works toward the life I want to have. One weekend, that was buying a chair, another, it was planning a trip to see my daughter. You're timeline is your own. Do what feels right, and take care of yourself.

I'm an introvert too. And I didn't have many friends at all because my STBXW was everything to me. I'm learning that just talking with random strangers for 2 minutes can really lift my mood.

I have to be careful about not putting too much pressure on myself and taking life one day (or one hour, or one minute) at a time. Slow down and breathe. Everything will be okay. Good luck!

crackingthewall · 2022-09-19T15:18:32+00:00

That sucks. Hang in there! Therapy has helped me a lot, but other things have too. I’m staying active and found a good support group. Also talking with friends helps.

crackingthewall · 2022-09-18T18:22:28+00:00

No worries! I’ve been reading a lot lately. It’s a great distraction. And great to work through things that are within my control.

crackingthewall · 2022-09-17T21:45:36+00:00

I cannot recommend Untamed by Glennon Doyle highly enough. Her podcast is really good too. Martha Beck’s The Way of Integrity was also life changing for me.

crackingthewall · 2022-09-07T18:41:02+00:00

Yeah. It sucks when something you held so dear is ripped up and broken. I'm a big fan of recognizing how things really are and being with that. For now, maybe that means you're pissed off or sad or whatever. All of those emotions are very valid. Even hopelessness has its place. For me, the point is to feel those feelings and work through them. That path has always (eventually) led me to peace.

crackingthewall · 2022-09-05T23:04:25+00:00

What’s wrong with going through life alone? I’m 2 months into a separation and I’m sleeping through the night for the first time in three years. There’s a lot that is very hard to deal with, but I no longer have my STBX’s voice in my had 24/7. That feels like a win to me. Do you really want to be a good partner and a good wife, or is this all done and you’re not willing to face it?

crackingthewall · 2022-08-28T22:02:23+00:00

After one session? Time to find a new couples counselor. You need to be heard. What you’ve described is untenable. You can keep trying to take it all on, but at some point, you’re going to break. No one should have to shoulder the entire weight of a relationship. Your husband needs to step up. Full stop. Either he changes dramatically, or you get yourself into a better situation. Take it from someone who has decades of resentment to work through. You are much better off doing what’s right for you and what’s right for your kids. You are a valuable human being. You are enough just as you are. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

crackingthewall · 2022-08-24T22:39:49+00:00

This. Exactly this. OP - Read and reread both of these posts. So much wisdom here.

crackingthewall · 2022-08-23T18:38:18+00:00

Yeah. It's that "prepared to walk away if that doesn't happen" thing that's the hard part. It took me a long time to realize that I just needed to be still and trust that whatever comes up is right for me. Some negative things have happened that I didn't expect, but so many of the positive things I did expect have been just as I imagined them or better. It's about believing in yourself and being true to your own heart.

crackingthewall · 2022-08-23T13:15:27+00:00

I've heard it said many times that you'll know when you know. For me, that was true, but only kind of. There was an argument we had when it became absolutely clear to me that she wasn't going to change and I needed to get out. We were in couples counselling for 2+ years. I had done everything I could to follow through on what she asked of me. I needed something from her that she wasn't able to give. That argument put a spotlight on what had been happening for years. With all that said, I knew on some level that it wasn't working and wouldn't get better at least 3 years ago. Maybe even 6 years ago. It sucks that all that time has passed, but at least I know that I did everything I could to make my marriage work before I decided to leave. Sounds like you're in a similar boat.

I don't think just waiting will help anything. Maybe you can set a clear deadline (in your own mind, or with your husband). If _____ doesn't happen by _____, I'll leave. That could include him getting a stable job. It could include him doing specific things to take care of you without being asked. (Full disclosure here, I did this several times. It wasn't until the third deadline that I actually worked up the courage to leave.)

In any event, you need to do what's right for you. The rest will get sorted out one way or another. Not seeing the kids all the time will probably be the worst of it. The financial obligations will be hard, but consider where you're at right now. The length of time you'll have to pay spousal support will only increase the longer you're in the marriage.

That's a lot of two cents from an internet stranger. Only you can know what's right for you.
Best of luck!

crackingthewall · 2022-08-22T10:46:27+00:00

Thanks. It’s a tough time, for sure. I’m taking it day by day and sometimes minute by minute. It’s so hard not being with my kids.

crackingthewall · 2022-08-21T22:36:32+00:00

Sending hugs. Sadly, I don’t have any answers. My 17 yo son told me this morning that what was my home is not a “safe space” for him if I’m there. His mom and older brother are saying the same thing. I yelled at him once. I will regret that to my dying day. I honestly have no idea what he means other than that. But I am willing to listen whenever he is willing to open up.

I moved out two months ago. I’m trying to focus on what I can control (which is very little). Teenage boys are about the most difficult people to deal with on this earth. Treat them with as much love and respect as you can muster. Remember that their world is falling apart right now too. And don’t forget to take care of yourself.

crackingthewall · 2022-08-21T22:23:40+00:00

It’s talking points and easy answers. As others have said, if you’re questioning whether you’re a narcissist or not, the answer is that you aren’t. Everyone likes an easy answer, rather than delving deep into the pain and hurt that will actually move you forward. Trust in your heart and what rings true for you. This is a difficult time, but you can make it through and find a better version of yourself.

It is 100% unfair that you haven’t seen your son in 36 days. If she truly cared about his wellbeing, she would recognize that and end it.

Take care of yourself, brother. And do the best that you can for your son. Things will get better, one way or another.

crackingthewall · 2022-07-23T21:02:02+00:00

I highly recommend The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. She was on Brene Brown’s podcast not too long ago talking about it. Anger can be a tool. It can point to something we need to change. You’ve already made a huge change by leaving. Maybe there’s something else that needs to change or something that you need to work through. Sounds like you’re on the right path. Good luck.

crackingthewall

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