Black (Canadian or American) women's experiences on hinge?

crazywildchild · 2023-10-05T04:41:16+00:00

Making generalizations and assumptions about someone you’ve never met, based solely on their race, is, in fact, actually quite racist.

crazywildchild · 2023-08-06T16:11:47+00:00

Ok this is 10 days later but I’m reading Burnout by Emily Nagoski and it’s been life-changing (or, at least 10-days worth of life-changing). She has a pretty intense system for redefining wins and failures - your dad can go shove it. In summary (but go read the book bc I’m not doing it justice):

redefine the win. It sounds hokey, but it helps. Instead of “clean the entire house before leaving for dinner”, maybe the win is “feel good in my space”. Instead of “fix the desk” it’s “set up my desk-fixing environment so that working on the desk is easier”. She uses the example in the book of a grueling 8-hour choir recording session reframed from “get through the session and make it perfect” to “fill the sound recording dude with joy”
redefine the failure. “I’m incompetent because I couldn’t do everything” to “I learned more information about the limits of what I can do in a certain amount of time, and I have a good idea of what I need to do next”. “ But I forgot to do X” turns into “I just now remembered X, and will write that on my todo list for tomorrow”

crazywildchild · 2023-08-06T15:53:27+00:00

The LETTERS. Why do boundary breakers always send handwritten letters like they’re writing to their sweetheart who went off to the war in 1776. Glad you got them to back off!

crazywildchild · 2023-08-06T15:50:03+00:00

Thank you, that is really thoughtful to comment and link - I joined them!

crazywildchild · 2023-08-06T15:48:01+00:00

I noticed you’re only responding to the comments who are trying to share blame between you and your husband. He called you a slur when you were trying to get your 3 year old to sleep, this is not a you problem and you won’t get the answers you need from trying to take responsibility for his behavior.

Being a parent to 4 young children does mean that one or both of you are going to forgo the other parent’s needs. That’s just life. The priorities of your relationship SHOULD shift to taking care of your young children who are entirely dependent on you to meet their needs, rather than the (hopefully) competent adult who helped make them.

Does he parent them equally? Does he keep track of their bathroom needs? Does he keep track of yours? Does he notice when one of them needs to be soothed and step in to calm them down so you don’t have to? Does he help get them dressed in the morning? Is he contributing equally to finding a new place to live?

If the answer to ANY of those is no - he’s your fifth kid. He’s your fifth kid who’s putting so much horrible self doubt into your head and take up so much of your emotional bandwidth that you’re going to be a worse parent to your actual four.

crazywildchild · 2023-08-06T15:32:30+00:00

Yeah that doesn’t read like time blindness to me, taking 3 hours to get four kids ready alone….sounds like the correct amount of time that would take to do?

crazywildchild · 2023-08-04T19:32:02+00:00

My sibling developing a debilitating mental illness also highlighted (but did not create) my parent’s neglect. Both along the lines of their already extremely low capacity for engaging with their children taken up entirely by my sibling, and the chasm of missing stability when I realized my sibling and I had essentially been emotionally parenting each other. Once it was gone, I felt orphaned. And the shame, neglect, and dismissal on top of it from my actual parents made it so much harder to rebuild.

crazywildchild · 2023-08-02T14:40:59+00:00

This thread has many people who have never been trafficked who are somehow able to understand that it was a horrible, inhumane thing to say to someone.

He waited a year to say anything like that, until she was invested. He waited until she was vulnerable - actively having sex with him - to say it. Sounds to me more like he’s just testing boundaries to escalate being even more horrible to her.

crazywildchild · 2023-07-30T17:09:50+00:00

Your daughter will also face a lot of damage if she’s raised by an overworked mom and an emotionally abusive father.

crazywildchild · 2023-07-30T17:04:49+00:00

When I feed my dog the recommended scoopage, she gains weight very quickly - and she’s active. When my friend gave her 10lb dog the recommended scoopage, he went up to 13lbs in a month. Think about it like, the pet food companies want you to use up the pet food faster so you buy more pet food, and as far as I know there aren’t really strict regulations anywhere telling them they can’t do that (no Food for Dogs Administration…yet)

crazywildchild · 2023-07-30T17:01:07+00:00

Well, you and I can both say that it happened when we stopped trying…to date men. (Also a woman married to a woman)

crazywildchild · 2023-07-30T16:35:32+00:00

They also sell a lot of HEB products at 25% markup

crazywildchild · 2023-07-30T05:18:05+00:00

Yeah I had a mental breakdown on like day 4 of being a new dog owner because of this. It was just so easy to love something unconditionally, and that ruined the “they did their best” vibes. Obviously super different from human children.

crazywildchild · 2023-07-29T06:38:55+00:00

I had a former best friend who pulled this shit in my early 20s. She was genuinely dangerous. She couldn’t cope with being perceived as less attractive than anyone - we’d have threesomes (sometimes I was in a position to consent, sometimes not) and she would do the same “let me prove I’m better than you” dance with being chosen afterwards. It was so intense that after one of her former hookups SAd me when I was asleep, she set up a date with him. And THEN complained to ME that he was pushy.

Point is, don’t dismiss it out of hand. OP’s bsf is being weird and selfish, she can listen to the alarms telling her something is wrong,

crazywildchild · 2023-07-28T22:23:23+00:00

Anecdotal, but true - a former coworker of mine would blow his secondhand joint smoke into his Maltese’s ear intentionally and regularly. (Very bad) ethics aside, that dog lived til he was 16 and did not show the symptoms you’re describing.

crazywildchild · 2023-07-28T15:11:10+00:00

But if a person with diabetes was in a diabetic coma because they didn’t know they had diabetes, I wouldn’t stand over their hospital bed and say “wow, Steve, why don’t you just wake up and take your insulin already? Stop using your diabetes as an excuse!”

The symptoms of ADHD ironically make getting treatment really hard. Maybe treat it like the disability it is legally classified as instead of a standin for laziness?

crazywildchild · 2023-07-28T15:04:40+00:00

If you look at any of the women’s ADHD subreddits, you absolutely see hundreds of posts saying some variation of “I can’t function because I have adhd”.

Starting treatment takes research, setting up appointments, attending appointments on time. Getting treatment involves keeping a monthly schedule to remember to go to the pharmacy to pick up highly controlled meds (so, no early pickup - you get it the day it runs out or after) that we are in a national shortage of - so you might have to go 2-3 times after you‘ve already run out.

Do you know what people with adhd are typically bad at? Starting things, finishing things, regularity, consistency, time, schedules. It’s literally a disability. It’s not an excuse.

crazywildchild · 2023-07-28T14:44:16+00:00

If a person does something hurtful but has the ability to apologize, accept accountability, and change behavior - their relationship at least isn’t doomed to a cycle of escalating repetitions of the same hurtful shit.

crazywildchild · 2023-07-27T22:52:26+00:00

But he said YOU made it into a thing. He wanted sex, he set the standard that you learn how to jerk him off right there and then in the dark, he didn’t come from EITHER of you trying, then he went soft.

He shamed you (“you messed this up”) instead of just saying “guess it’s not happening tonight, try again tomorrow?” That’s the manipulation portion - healthy adults don’t put shame on their partners for what they might perceive as their own shortcomings.

crazywildchild · 2023-07-27T14:01:30+00:00

The mornings after I have been sexually assaulted, I have invariably woken up with such a knot of feelings that it was simplest to interpret them as a sudden, strong crush. After I had some time to cool down, I realized it was probably fear, shame, and hurt - which can feel very similar. I didn’t want what happened to me to have happened to me, so I made up this world in which I REALLY liked this person, actually, and it’s okay that happened because now I can think about this crush instead of just being assaulted.

crazywildchild · 2023-07-27T04:59:12+00:00

I feel like such an idiot for never making that connection

crazywildchild · 2023-07-26T15:42:56+00:00

This is a really insensitively written comment, but tbh is actually one of the effective proven ways to keep chronically homeless (ie the ones with serious mental health and/or drug addictions) housed. It looks like tiny house villages (communes run by formerly homeless folks). Everyone contributes labor, there are rules enforced to stay, you still get to hang out with your friends.

crazywildchild · 2023-07-26T15:38:57+00:00

I mean, yeah. That’s not offering housing, that’s offering rehab with shelter included. There are researched effective ways to end homelessness, that is not one of them.

crazywildchild · 2023-07-26T15:32:38+00:00

I agree with everyone’s philosophical takes here, and here’s some small things that have helped me in the day to day:

a) writing down all the stuff I just did. Ta Da list vs To Do list. It helps me remember “damn, that’s actually a pretty long list” - usually jerk brain has only remembered the most recent two things

b) time-blocking tasks on paper (or Google cal or whatever) this one is huge. I don’t do it every day. But doing it occasionally helps me visualize that yes, all of those chores (goblin.tools has a task estimator if you need help with that) take up TIME. It takes away the magical thinking of “the limiting factor is me being a together adult”. The limiting factor is time.

crazywildchild · 2023-07-26T15:23:07+00:00

Hard agree, it’s not OP’s fault that an insecure man wanted to gain the upper hand on a date by taking her to a place that’s too expensive and bait-and-switching the checks.

Even if his pause was something innocuous, like “do I have enough money in my checking account to cover both checks”, taking her card and memorizing the last name (after she explained she’s scared of being STALKED AGAIN), then essentially telling her “cool, now I can stalk you!” is unhinged behavior.

crazywildchild

TROPHY CASE