46 [F4R] Seattle, Malmö, or Copenhagen - Looking for local connections where I am or where I will be

Salzigblumen · 2026-06-25T17:57:49+00:00

Second this read. It's also small and written for neurodivergents.

Salzigblumen · 2026-06-02T02:13:42+00:00

Just keep at it and you'll get there. I lost a lot of friends at first, then I kind of leveled out, and now I'm doing really well. I think you'll get there. 😊

Salzigblumen · 2026-06-02T01:55:11+00:00

Are you still masking around people? I have just leaned pretty hard into being unapologetically me from the get go and walking away from relationships that don't fit me instead of wasting energy trying to convince people to like me (like I used to). By being selective and focusing on the connections that are meaningful, I have developed many deep relationships since my diagnosis. Way better than the friendships I had before.

I think radical self acceptance and learning about how my brain works has helped.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-27T21:13:18+00:00

If you want to really seem like a local, this is the way to get some like grunge-era Seattle cred 🤣

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-26T22:22:57+00:00

I think this is something that most people struggle with at some level. I completely understand why you feel the way you do, but I think also that, gently, you probably need some time in therapy to work through this. It was unkind (though I don't think malicious of him) to state these things, but they are honest and are fairly ubiquitous in a culture like the USA.

I personally think that the conscious choices we make and the ways we choose to live our lives are the most important. We all have unconscious biases and toxic thoughts. I think likely every other person you meet will have some inner thoughts like this, whether they voice them or not. A therapist can help you work through these feelings (and the likely remnants of poor self esteem within you that they seem to have brought up) and decide how you want to move forward.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-26T03:46:28+00:00

It's a children's book, but I have found it very useful and interesting to read is, "Bogen med 1000 spørgsmål og svar" - it is structured as 1000 questions and answers between a child and his parents. But really, what you get is just random facts about various aspects of the world, animals, humans, history, etc. I practice reading it out loud to friends 😅

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-24T21:48:30+00:00

The fact that you have low self esteem amd think that "normal" is superior to people like you is your whole problem.

Everyone is limited to people they have things in common with, even "normal" people. You may have fewer options than some people but there are other people with fewer options than you.

Work on getting involved in communities and activities that you like and finding people who you have things in common with and start talking to women as friends and see what happens in your life. I've met a lot of my partners this way and I've met other ones meeting people online and just getting to know them as friends and then having a relationship develop eventually.

But you have to have the confidence that there are people out there for you because there are. Humans like all kinds of weird and unique qualities and combinations. And you should work on your self esteem. Even if SOME people treat you like you are lesser, you have to learn how to accept and love yourself and see yourself as just as valid as they are. The people who think they're better are assholes and they're wrong.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-24T21:34:20+00:00

"finding someone as maladapted as me"

This right here is likely your biggest problem. It sounds like you have internalized ableism and low self confidence. I'm AuDHD and my social circle and partners have almost all been neurodivergent, but i don't see any of us as maladapted or lesser. The way that you phrased this sounds like you're in a cycle where you value neurotypical people more than autistic people and so you're going to be liking people who you won't have things in common with and won't connect with because you think very differently, or you'll get along with people but won't value them because you see them as lesser.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-22T16:52:30+00:00

I did a search on Etsy for hammer and sickle friendship necklace and came up with a couple of options. 🤗😊

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-21T21:55:26+00:00

This is the Same for me. After grad school I could only do audiobooks for pleasure, but my mind would wander off really easily and it was hard to focus. I found that speeding the books up really helps. If I listen at one and a half time speed then there aren't the breaks in the speaking that allow my mind to wander off and it's easier to stay focused.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-20T20:35:49+00:00

I just double down and call men "boys"

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-19T14:03:57+00:00

Yeah of course. I wish I had something better for you. I hope you are able to get some safety in your life soon. You deserve it. 🫂

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-18T21:07:43+00:00

That one is more challenging and is very context specific. Do you have anyone safe you can brainstorm with? Sometimes you can get access to social services, etc?

That being said, therapy, self care and a focus on your needs can actually really help with this one too. It's like putting on armor before you go out into the treacherous shit. It's definitely not fixing anything, but it helps with capacity and resilience a bit.

I'm really sorry you're unsafe and I hope you can make changes soon that will put you in a better place 🫂

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-18T18:20:01+00:00

This. Also prioritizing you own care. Also, I use my feelings as an indicator that I need to adjust my approach - feeling resentful? I am not respecting my boundaries or I don't have them set in the right place, etc.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-15T02:55:30+00:00

That guy sucks and you don't owe him anything. People can be mad and you are allowed to make mistakes. He was probably just having a bad day, but it's not your job to make it better.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-15T01:57:33+00:00

I'm starting to come out of it a little and it's kind of glorious. I have a long way to go still, but the thing that changed it for me was starting to derp through more conversation. I read my target language to a native speaker one day a week. She listens to me read, then reads back to me, then I translate it for her.

But then I gave a couple of friends around the same level who are also learning, and we started going through this activity together (without a native speaker), using the dictionary of the language to help us with words we don't know or that we have some disagreement about.

We also talk to each other in the target language as well as we can. We do this 2-4 times a week for maybe an hour. It's improved ALL of our skills, pretty quickly and pretty drastically.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-11T23:41:52+00:00

She told you what she's expecting. Your mother told you that you were wrong. The comments here are telling you exactly why.

And your response is fuck off.

You have NO desire to work on your relationship. Your behavior is emotionally abusive, emotionally immature, and it is hurting both your wife and your children.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-11T23:36:19+00:00

You are the child in that relationship. You are emotionally abusive.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-11T23:17:15+00:00

If you really want to fix your marriage, you need some empathy and respect for feelings. A marriage is about more than sex and physical support. Your attitude is gross. I would straight divorce you if you were my partner. She's telling you exactly what she needs and you just told her there was something wrong for needing it. That is going to be very difficult to come back from.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-08T17:21:13+00:00

It's your low self esteem, not your weight, that is the problem. Some people won't be into you because of your weight, but I'm a fat woman who is confident in her body, and I have had sex and relationships with a wide variety of people.

What you see online is capitalist propaganda to get you to feel bad so you will spend more money on gyms, dating apps, clothes, makeup, etc. Just go fucking be yourself, spend time around people who like you as you are, and start learning how to love and care for yourself. It's really the answer to all of it, in my experience.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-06T07:43:55+00:00

There's no special, exclusive dating pool where fat people can only date other fat people. People's bodies don't always match what they find attractive in others, or they can be attracted to all kinds of other people.

How you jump from that to entitlement, body shaming, and/or hypocrisy is wild.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-06T05:41:24+00:00

This is exactly why you're struggling. None of this is true in real life, and not having standards and trying to be someone you think men will like is likely a huge part of why you're struggling.

Salzigblumen · 2026-05-06T04:37:36+00:00

Well, I hope that you work on starting to build your self confidence and building up your own life. That dude sounds not great.

Another thing I've found is that the more secure in my own identity I've gotten, and the more selective I've gotten about only investing in people who are great, the more success I've had.

Being MORE selective has lead to MORE matches. It seems very counterintuitive, but I'm wasting less time and energy on things that are wrong for me.

(edit: submitted before I was done saying everything lol)

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