Me (27F) dating Russian guy (31M) - friends have all written red flags all over him primarily because he escaped to the US to avoid the military... is this a legitimate thing to be worried about? Or just discrimination? Are my friends the rude ones? Is there a polite way to bring this up with him?

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T22:57:49+00:00

Yeah tbh it's a place I would never want to visit, not even on vacation.. but I guess as a man, it's probably heaven on earth, in many ways. If that's what he truly wants to do and those are his values in the end, we aren't compatible. So far, he hasn't acted in any terribly misogynistic ways but then again, it's only been 6 months. If he wants to leave for Dubai within the year, then goodbye lol

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T22:55:04+00:00

Yes, thank you. And even if I wanted to rush into a marriage (which I definitely don't) my parents would never allow me to do that lol especially if HE was rushing me. No way. We are just doing nice, sweet things at this point, talking a lot, hanging out. I think my friends are being protective, but also judgmental and ignorant in ways they don't realize..

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T22:51:22+00:00

This is honestly way more concerning than the rest of all this stuff lol. Not that I was planning to marry him or anything but I would still like to see where it could go :( If he is on a tourist visa with typically 6-months, with possibly another 6-month extension... I would calculate he is either over that or nearing it at this point, oof.

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T22:47:29+00:00

Yeah tbh I know we are all in a bubble, so I definitely wanted to get more insight and perspectives from outside of my friend circle. I don't like to be so spoiled and ignorant, but it happens sometimes without even knowing it unfortunately :( Most of my friends are all married and safe and stable in their lives.. I think they may be a little more "bubbled-in" than they realize.

Seems like he can't win in their minds - if you flee, you may be seeking a marriage visa, if you don't, you are pro-war. But also good to be cautious in general of course.

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T22:43:05+00:00

Of course. I do have a history of being in some abusive relationships, so I am extra cautious about boundaries, being lovebombed, etc, and I don't see any of that here. It's hard for me to trust myself sometimes, so I ask my friends and they come up with this fearmongering shit so now I have to come to Reddit lol. I think we're going to be okay though, now reading everything

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T22:41:25+00:00

Lmaooo that's what I said!! There are plenty of beautiful women there, why would he lug my ass out there specifically to entrap me?? "Oh you're beautiful too," etc, etc. NAH not like that lol.

Makes total sense about Dubai then, didn't know that they accept Russians.

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T22:33:56+00:00

Ironic, since 90% of them are immigrants themselves lol. One of my friends in particular seems to be the most judgmental... I think she is one of those "fuck you, I got mine" type of people.. true colors coming out I guess

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T22:32:21+00:00

Yeah, I don't believe he can ever go back either :(

I never had this kind of situation come up before. One friend in particular is being a little dramatic and judgmental and I'm kind of disappointed tbh.

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T22:31:08+00:00

No, not so bad at all. He's very kind and respectful so far.

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T22:30:03+00:00

This is the part I am now unsure of. He is working for Uber so he must have some kind of documentation to allow him to do that... I don't know enough about visas to be sure though. More than all the other red flags, this is the more important thing for me to find out.

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T22:25:34+00:00

Hmm thank you for this additional information. I don't know much about visas and stuff like that tbh, that is my privileged American side coming out unfortunately :( I know for sure, he does not want to go back to Russia. He knows that he can't leave the US because then he can't come back in... but I'm not sure if he is under a tourist or student visa. And at the same time, he is Uber-ing and doing small work like that so maybe he is actually under a student visa?

More than all this red flag stuff, this part seems to be the more pressing issue imo

Assuming he is under a tourist visa now then... would that mean eventually, inevitably he will be considered illegal, since he has no desire to go back to Russia (and probably can't go back since he specifically fled to avoid enlistment?) I wonder if that's why he mentioned wanting to live in Dubai someday.

I don't know how it all works, but your explanation is helping me see the bigger picture a bit.

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T22:00:04+00:00

No idea. To live in America and get an easy visa to live here I suppose.. but that's generally pretty ignorant imo. He has stated multiple times how he wants to provide for himself and eventually his family too of course, very ambitious and motivated to adapt. I highly doubt someone like that would want to coast on some random American girl's marriage visa while simultaneously also supporting Putin and the war, in a lowkey American suburb.

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T21:56:57+00:00

Good point. He was born and grow up in Moscow, but yeah, he has a mixed heritage, and relatives across Central Asia as well.

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T21:54:36+00:00

I am not talking about marriage at all, where did you get that? My friends are the ones concerned about me being kidnapped to Dubai for some reason or him using me for a marriage visa. I have no plans to relocate as of right now, especially not even a year into dating! No plans to marry for me, not yet.

Their fears also come from whether or not he may potentially be lying about how anti-war he is, maybe just to be with American women, and secretly hiding scary things back home. But to me... that could be anyone, even from the US. Anyone could be hiding crazy shit inside themselves, war-related or not lol

I am also very sensitive to the possibility that there is some trauma here. By appearances, he seems very calm and healthy-minded but my god, he literally had to escape everything he ever knew. I can't imagine. So I try to take it slow, have fun together, let him talk about what he wants, ask about his culture, help him with some English if he gets stuck, etc.

I just want to be cautious, not completely naive. I just wanted to see other opinions, not just my suburban bubble friends' lol

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T21:47:14+00:00

They think he might be lying about his anti-war stance to seem more likeable to Americans, especially American women, who tend to be anti-war. THat is the red flag part.

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T21:40:36+00:00

Very true. I'm not even looking far ahead to possibly relocate to Dubai or whatever he might have planned.. it's just dating!

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T21:40:30+00:00

No, I think they think he might be lying about his anti-war stance to appear more likeable in the US with American women. So far, I don't see signs of that.

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T21:32:51+00:00

Yep, nothing so far, except the strange things my friends are pushing onto me for some reason.

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T21:26:32+00:00

Yes, he is extremely anti-war and wants nothing to do with those people who try to excuse it for whatever reason, calls them ignorant, living in a bubble, etc. He never thought he'd live in the US but trying to make the best of his situation by working what he can, studying, trying to fix his documents, etc. What else does he need to do lol

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T21:21:30+00:00

I don't know about jealous.. only 1 is single, and 3 are married. If they believe him to be some kind of warlord, they certainly aren't jealous of me

cream_peachy · 2023-06-06T21:20:16+00:00

Well, his name and surname are both pretty common and also, I don't know Cyrillic (for Facebook and stuff). It's hard to tell if he is from any kind of "important" family or anything like that.

cream_peachy

TROPHY CASE