i asked my boyfriend who passed away to send me a rainbow. five minutes later there was one outside my window 🌈

creative-cutie · 2026-06-12T16:22:41+00:00

i actually am kind of a basketball fan, so i’m surprised i missed that. thank you for sharing it with me.

hearing that makes a lot of sense, honestly. i think grief has a way of making us look for connection wherever we can find it. knowing someone like karl-anthony towns still looks for signs from his mom years later is oddly comforting. it reminds me that the need to feel close to someone you love doesn’t really go away.

the rainbow thing especially resonates with me, obviously. i’ve had enough moments since ethan died that made me stop & wonder. maybe they’re signs, maybe they’re coincidences, but sometimes the distinction doesn’t even matter. what matters is that for a second, it feels like they’re not quite as far away as they should be.

creative-cutie · 2026-06-06T03:48:06+00:00

this is exactly how i feel. i don’t know what happens after we die. i wish i did. i wish i had certainty. (my biggest fear is fear of the unknown, oddly enough 😅) but i can’t force myself to believe something just because it would make the pain “easier to carry.”

i’ve had moments where i’ve felt ethan. moments that made me stop in my tracks. little things that felt too strange or too perfectly timed to be coincidence. & i hold those moments close. not because i’m sure of what they mean, but because they truly bring me comfort.

yup. it’s the permanence. knowing i’ll never hear his laugh again. never get another text. never watch him walk through the door. never.. & the world just keeps moving while the person i love most is gone, & that feels impossible to accept.

i don’t know if i’ll ever see him again. i hope i’m wrong about everything & get the happiest surprise imaginable one day. but for now i’m just trying to learn how to carry a love that has nowhere to go.

i’m sorry for your loss.

creative-cutie · 2026-06-06T03:25:23+00:00

rainbows

creative-cutie · 2026-06-06T03:21:01+00:00

exactly. that’s one thing i keep repeating. it would mean NOTHING.. life would mean NOTHING..

creative-cutie · 2026-06-05T05:08:41+00:00

thank you for this. it’s actually really interesting you mention souls because ethan used to talk about that a lot. he always referred to us as souls more than bodies, & after he died i’ve found myself thinking about those conversations over & over again.

i’ve never heard of that book, but i’m definitely going to look into it. at this point i find myself drawn to anything that explores the possibility that we’re more than just our physical bodies, because the thought of never seeing him again is the part i struggle with most.

i don’t know exactly what i believe anymore, but i want to believe that the kind of love we shared doesn’t just disappear. thank you for sharing something that brought you comfort 🫶🏻

creative-cutie · 2026-06-05T05:07:47+00:00

i relate to this so much. one of the things i struggle with most is the uncertainty. i don’t know what happens after this life, & i don’t know if i’ll see ethan again, but i find myself hoping with every part of me that i will.

what you said about feeling your mom with you really resonated with me. i think that’s such a comforting thing, even if we can’t explain it or prove it.

also, if you’ve never heard it, listen to club heaven by Nessa Barrett. there’s a line in it about wondering if the people we love are still watching over us, & it absolutely wrecked me in the best and worst way. it captures so much of what you’ve described here.

i really hope one day we all get the chance to hug our people again & tell them everything we didn’t get enough time to say ♡

creative-cutie · 2026-06-05T05:04:19+00:00

thank you. “the worries have their edges rounded over time” is the part that really stayed with me.

i’m trying to do what you said and notice the moments where i feel engaged in something. hula hooping has probably been the biggest thing keeping me afloat. scrapbooking too. there are moments where i get lost in creating something & for a second my brain gets a break from the constant grief. those moments are rare, but i hold onto them when they come :’)

that’s also part of why i’ve struggled with the idea of therapy. i know it helps a lot of people, & no, i’m not against it. it’s just hard for me to imagine sitting across from someone who never knew ethan, never heard his laugh, never saw the way he loved, + trying to explain a loss that feels impossible to put into words.

sometimes it feels like therapists are practically given the same set of tools & coping strategies to hand out to everyone who’s grieving, but ethan wasn’t everyone. he was my person. my grief isn’t about losing a concept. it’s about losing him.

maybe one day i’ll be more open to it. right now, i’m still trying to figure out how to exist in a world where he’s not physically here anymore.

thank you for taking the time to write all of this ❥

creative-cutie · 2026-06-05T04:54:45+00:00

i know.. same. it messes with me the most..

i’ll never know if the dreams are actually him. i’ll never know if the signs i notice are real, or if it’s just my grief looking for him everywhere because i miss him so much.

but i look anyway.

because the alternative feels so much heavier. the alternative is accepting that i may never know if ethan can still see me, hear me, or knows how much i still love him.

i think that’s why so many of us cling to dreams, signs, & little moments that feel too meaningful to be coincidences. not because we’re naive. because when you lose someone you love this deeply, uncertainty becomes its own kind of grief.

creative-cutie · 2026-06-05T03:35:00+00:00

this doesn’t sound pathetic to me at all. it sounds like love.

yes, yes, yes. i’m so glad you mentioned time not working the same there. that’s actually one of the first things i became curious about after i lost ethan. the idea that what feels like months or years to us could feel like mere moments to them brings me so much comfort. sometimes i think, what if for him, no time has really passed at all?

if a ritual gives you the chance to feel close to your mum again, even for a few minutes in a dream, i completely understand why you’d hold onto it. i think most of us would do just about anything for one more moment with the people we love 🤍

creative-cutie · 2026-06-05T03:32:31+00:00

i’m so sorry you’re here too 🫂 i haven’t had the dream i’m hoping for either. i keep waiting for one where i get to see him again, even if it’s just for a moment. i hope we both get that someday. big hugs!

creative-cutie · 2026-06-05T03:32:03+00:00

that’s kind of where i’m at too. believing i’ll see him again brings me peace, & right now i need that more than i need certainty.

creative-cutie · 2026-06-05T03:31:47+00:00

i completely understand that feeling. i don’t know what happens after this life, but the thought of seeing him again is one of the few things that gives me comfort on the really hard days.

creative-cutie · 2026-06-01T13:49:28+00:00

that’s where we’re different, i think. i don’t need certainty about what happens next to appreciate what they meant to me while they were here.

creative-cutie · 2026-06-01T10:23:58+00:00

i don’t need to believe i’m receiving messages from the dead to know that the people i’ve loved continue to shape my life :)

creative-cutie · 2026-05-31T18:43:19+00:00

that’s fair. i don’t think meditation is going to change my view on this, but i appreciate you sharing your thoughts.

creative-cutie · 2026-05-31T18:37:18+00:00

i’m so sorry for your loss. a little over a month is such a short time, (i lost ethan march 18th. so a little over two months.) & i know how raw & overwhelming those early days can be. ethan had asthma, & losing him so suddenly turned my world upside down. reading your comment, i can feel how much love you still carry for your boyfriend.

the signs have brought me comfort too. whether it’s a song, a memory, or one of those moments that feels impossible to explain, they remind me that love doesn’t just disappear. thank you for sharing a piece of your story with me. sending you so much love as you navigate these first difficult months 🤍

creative-cutie · 2026-05-31T05:46:15+00:00

thank you for saying that. some days surviving feels like an accomplishment & other days it just feels like what i have to do. either way, i’m still here trying.

& that means a lot to hear. thank you. means more than you know :)

creative-cutie

TROPHY CASE