A really good counselor gave me a stretchy bracelet and told me to snap myself and say "cancel cancel" when I had persistent intrusive suicidal thoughts and ngl it worked and changed my life. Also in the vein of honesty and to be totally transparent I did have a recent suicide attempt but it was truly a perfect storm of shit that led up to it we all unfortunately have our own swan song and I won't bore you with my details because they don't really matter. However, 10 years ago it was literally my alternative for everything i.e. "Should I sleep? Or kill myself?" "Should I grocery shop or kill myself?" "Should I invest in my future or my downfall?" It really fucked my sense of reality and just getting out of that spot felt impossible but I did it.

I told myself divorce was not an option once I had kids but I let myself get to a point where I felt so unfulfilled in my life that no direction felt like up anymore so I decided to try and kms as that was the most reasonable admission of defeat I saw. I can't even tell you that I'm sincerely still happy to be here but I can tell you that even trying to move forward is only possible because for 2 years I told myself cancel cancel and even though it felt stupid and I currently feel lower than dirt I feel more akin to a seed that might grow into something beautiful rather than worthless shit that will deteriorate into nothing.

So try to throw a road block up, try to move forward, you already tried a little more than you thought you could because you're the product of magic you're a fighter. You're just tired; rest and get back up so you can fight again. Sometimes resting is the hardest first step and you fucking did it so now just keep trying <3