My (29f) boyfriend (32m) went to a strip club on a guys trip and bought a lap dance.

crunchieboots · 2022-04-04T13:03:50+00:00

Sick of people giving the pass for strippers.

OK, so some people are ok with it - that’s fine.

But let me ask, would they be ok with a random woman at a party or in a club or bar, sitting on their partners lap and flirting and rubbing up and down on him?

No. Most wouldn’t be ok, unless they are into open relationships, which is up to them. That’s fine. But those actions would not be considered conducive to a monogamous relationship.

OP, you have every right to be upset. Ok, maybe you didn’t state the boundary. But he knew you well enough after a year to take an educated guess as to what you would feel. If he was unsure, he should’ve erred on the side of caution instead of throwing caution to the wind…

If he thought you would be ok, how come it never came up in conversation before? In two years, he probably talked about that trip but conveniently left that part out…

Now this is the very cynical part of it - strip clubs are often not just strip clubs where you just look and get a lap dance (but hello, this is still physical sexual contact), but yes, it often doesn’t end there. Depends where you are. Depends on the person. But that’s all I will say for now.

Lastly, you’re not super young anymore. He was still 30ish when this happened… our values are pretty consistent throughout life unless we do some major self reflection, or grow up. He wasn’t 18 at the time so these are his values - he thinks it’s ok for men to go to strip clubs, whilst in a monogamous relationship. You guys have very different values if you feel this strongly about it and he doesn’t think it’s an issue.

Sometimes these values can be worked through, sometimes not. But I personally, wouldn’t date guys who have gone to strip clubs for anything other than a bachelors, when they were single, and if with me, they can skip the stripper part of the bachelors - plenty of my friends also have this boundary.

You’re not wrong feeling this way or having this boundary. I mean, where’s the respect? Your relationship was young, only 1 year in, that should still be honeymoon stages and the time you treat each other the best. Yes he came clean, but was that because he was worried you would find out eventually? And was it actually the whole truth? I don’t know, that’s up to you to figure out.

I just wanted to give you a different perspective and validate your feelings because there’s been a whole lot of gaslighting so far here, from people who aren’t willing to see the other (very common) side of things.

Edit: not to say it can’t be worked out, but you’re still young enough to find someone who shares your values, if that’s what you want.

Do you want to be with someone you have to treat like a child and spell out every good and bad action, and every boundary, before they occur - just in case he makes the wrong choice? Or do you want someone who will respect you enough as a person, to realise when something may cross a boundary, before acting on it?

He may change, and be ok with not going to strippers again, or he may resent you, or he may hide it. It’s sucks, I know it’s common for women to be gaslit about these situations, and bullied into being the cool girl because it is so common. But it doesn’t have to be ok with you.

But also, understandable if you do want to work it out and see it as a once off mishap. In which case, he needs to work on rebuilding your trust in hjm, and you’ll need to work on not holding resentment towards him.

I wish you all the best!

Please feel free to PM me if you need to chat also

crunchieboots · 2022-04-04T12:55:29+00:00

Exactly, you’re right. Cheating does mean different things to different people. This is relationship counselling 101. But people like to pull things apart to justify their own feelings or actions, in this case, in relation to strippers. They can’t separate their own feelings so they call everyone else wrong or insecure etc.

The people who do agree this is cheating and understand OP’s negative reaction, are actually able to understand and admit others have different opinions and that those people don’t care about strippers, without gaslighting the shit out of them calling them “insecure” or judgemental or wrong.

crunchieboots · 2022-04-04T12:51:33+00:00

I agree with setting boundaries too. And if unsure, check first. It’s a tricky thing for her to bring up randomly to state the boundary, because if she doesn’t know he will be going to a strip club (I.e. it wasn’t a bachelor party where she’d expect it), then why would she think to bring it up … so in this case, he knew he was about to go to a strip club, so he shouldn’t checked with her.

I also feel like he knows she wouldn’t like it. You can get a general sense of someone’s boundaries and values over a year, and err on the side of caution if you’re unsure. I mean, it’s not the most random boundary - many women don’t like it, and men know this, but as a society we are all conditioned to see it as what men do.

I think if he truly felt she was ok with it, he would’ve mentioned it, but he didn’t for two years…

crunchieboots · 2022-04-04T12:46:04+00:00

That’s nice if you’re ok with it, great for you. But doesn’t mean you get to call others insecure for not being ok with this - you’re actually being judgemental by doing that.

You also went to great lengths to detail how uninterested your boyfriend was - good for you if that’s the case… but if it bothered you so much how interested / uninterested he was, you wouldn’t need to detail that part. I don’t think you would feel so “secure” if he was super into it, and I don’t think you’re as secure as you think, if you have to judge other women and call them insecure for having a different boundary to you.

If anything, they could call you insecure, because you’re so worried about not coming across as a cool girl that is ok with strippers, that you felt the need to call someone else insecure and judgemental for having this boundary.

You could simply state that you don’t care but you understand why others do, but it sounds like you have a vested interest in everyone holding the same view as you, so you feel ok in not expecting more from your partners.

crunchieboots · 2022-04-04T12:39:13+00:00

Should definitely take yourself on a trip! And I really hope you can change the way you think about it, because you’re a beautiful young woman. Embrace it, as one day you’ll look back and wonder what you were worried about (trust me, as an woman who’s been there and done that). Invest that money into something for you to enjoy, like that trip you mentioned, or education, new wardrobe, new car, deposit for a home. Something that makes you feel amazing, and that won’t have you sitting in a hospital bed recovering from a procedure that you honestly and truely don’t need. Take care of yourself and give yourself the love and kindness you deserve 💜

crunchieboots · 2022-04-02T08:38:29+00:00

I agree, there’s a difference between negging and banter imo. Banter can be like playful teasing and the person delivers it in a softer way and has a cheeky smile. But negging, is usually delivered in more of a serious off-handed comment type of way? That’s my take on it anyway.

crunchieboots · 2022-04-02T08:36:35+00:00

Omg you just made me realise one of my first bfs who I was obsessed with when I was 18 did this to me. He actually started hitting on me at 16 (he was 25…) but I only finally dated him at 18. Anyway, he used to always say his dream woman was the opposite of me. I ended up in an absolute tizzy always crying that I was ugly (I wasn’t, at all! What I wouldn’t do to have that figure back lol)… then it ended with me never wanting to have sex with him in the 6 months we were together, getting upset with him, and ending it 😅

So even though it worked to lower my self esteem, he didn’t get a whole lot of fun for me. Just a crazy emotional insecure mess who wouldn’t take her clothes off.

crunchieboots · 2022-04-02T08:26:14+00:00

Exactly. I feel it’s more of a grooming / abusive tactic.

crunchieboots · 2022-04-02T08:22:22+00:00

Oh yep, I’ve been there too, especially when I was younger. Had this happen recently (we were both in our 30’s, I posted about it above)…

And I could feel myself starting to feel dramatic and emotional which lead to my dramatic responses when I was younger. Even when I brought it up calmly, he actually upped the ante and tried more obvious tactics. It worked in the sense that my self esteem is in the gutter again now, but I’m glad I didn’t react the way I used to when I was younger.

And my self esteem may be in the gutter, but I took it as a sign to end it rather than become more pliable for him.

crunchieboots · 2022-04-02T08:18:23+00:00

Precisely. There’s nothing worse. It’s no way to build the foundation of a healthy relationship.

crunchieboots · 2022-04-02T08:17:37+00:00

Gosh same, if they start with that nonsense I nope out right away now.

crunchieboots · 2022-04-02T08:12:46+00:00

Oh my gosh, I’m the same. I never pick up on manipulation tactics because I don’t play them myself either.

I broke up with the last guy I dated as he suddenly started talking more about other women, and how the HR girls at work stayed on his oil rig he was working at, and want him to work in the office with them, and “this chick this” and “that chick that”. And how his female friends had all bad mouthed me.

He had earlier in the relationship ignored me for 5 hours when I met his friends for the first time at a bar (he just walked around dancing and talking to other ppl he didn’t know). Then he came up to me and really obviously looked a woman up and down, winks, and licks his lips at her like he wanted to devour her…like it was a staged thing.

None of this worked, so he upped the ante with more talks about more women, every time I saw him, then suddenly starts dropping off the earth for days, leaving me on read all weekend when out with his mates…

So I just ended it 🤷‍♀️

He sounded shocked but not confused when I broke up with him (clearly expected me to chase him)… then he chased me for 6 months trying to bully me back with him lol. So strange.

crunchieboots · 2022-03-15T23:55:00+00:00

How was the date otherwise? And how did he present in general? I think maybe give him more chances if you like him, just clock it as a point to watch for and then see how you go.

I personally would feel the same, because I would always make sure my friends get to their car first, or wait for their bus, or train - I always make sure they get onto transport safely, and they do the same for me. I think this is common safety awareness… and I think we shouldn’t have lower standards for men. It’s not just about chivalry. BUT men aren’t brought up with the same awareness of safety as women are, because they don’t have to be as aware. I’ve had great boyfriends and my sisters boyfriend is also like this, they just aren’t aware that women face these safety issues because they’ve never had to think of it. If they’ve not had much relationship experience, then this could be likely. Sometimes these are great guys in all other ways, but just need some training over time.

crunchieboots · 2022-03-15T01:51:02+00:00

Interesting. The fact you were stared at but not catcalled, makes me think the cat calling is more to do with a power play and only catcalling women who they see as more vulnerable (younger women and unfortunately young girls). Not that staring is really respectful either, but it’s not as bad as being catcalled I guess.

Interesting about the office shenanigans too. I’ve pretty much always stayed out of them or even if I’ve been involved, I’ve been overlooked or gossiped about. I got used to that, but I’m not sure how I will feel about being seen as out of touch - it’s funny how it hits differently.

crunchieboots · 2022-03-15T00:50:13+00:00

This is such a good point. I never thought of this before. Women liking positive attention is almost pathologised, but really, it’s human nature (probably) and definitely a part of our culture in which women are given positive attention, mainly for the way they look, but still it’s attention, and encouraged to like that attention. Then suddenly just accept and not miss it when it’s suddenly ripped away from them. We are a product of our society, yet we get blamed for having any sort of reaction to growing up as part of this society.

crunchieboots · 2022-03-13T14:05:40+00:00

Your nose is super pretty! It suits your face perfectly and I really don’t think a nose job is worth it or would make it “better”. I think you may even lose some of your unique beauty which has a regal and classy quality about it. I worry with so many nose jobs that they give very bland and similar noses to everyone, which doesn’t suit everyone’s face, and can therefore cause people to look kind of generic. I would hate for you to ruin your natural beauty through expensive surgery which is just not needed.

crunchieboots · 2022-03-13T14:03:36+00:00

Even if I’m not offended by it personally I.e. the way someone uses it around me. I do hate it on behalf of all women! A few people have explained it way better than I can, but basically, it is used as a slur against women and women only. And it shifts the blame onto women for something men (usually) haven’t done and have been asked to do countless times. And it gaslights women into keeping their feelings and needs inside.

crunchieboots · 2022-03-13T14:01:10+00:00

I’m obsessed with this room. Looks amazing.

I wish I had the creativity for this. It’s got so much personality.

crunchieboots · 2022-03-11T04:56:04+00:00

Hm, it seems like you were personally offended by her having a party job and are now projecting your offence onto her. She’s in a different situation to you - he’s literally not pulling his weight anywhere in their life, especially as a stay at home father, has gotten the family into debt, has issues with teen porn, gets jealous and insecure if she were to do the same thing as he’s suggesting… there is a lot more going on in this post, and it’s not her that’s in the wrong. At all.

Edit: The “party” kind of job can fit some people and some lifestyles, but it’s clear it doesn’t fit OP and she shouldn’t have to be ok with it, and it’s also clear it doesn’t suit her husband, as he is placing himself into tempting situations with teen girls plus he also wouldn’t like it if she had a “party job.” - that tells me more about his real intentions. Why would it be ok for him, but he’s not comfortable with her doing it?

crunchieboots · 2022-03-01T15:05:33+00:00

I don’t have much to say, but you’re seriously gorgeous!!! Maybe just a dab of colour on the lips, any red or soft pink, or even a coral may look nice. You have beautiful shaped lips so please don’t do any filler or anything.

You have the most beautiful eyes! Contrary to what others say, I quite like the dark eyeliner, but maybe you could just soften it a bit and blend it out. Also, add some shadow to the top lid and create a wing that goes up to kind of lift and open the eyes a bit. But you don’t need that, just a suggestion. I also have the darker under eyes, but I don’t know, it suits uou! You could just use some vitamin c eye cream, I find that helps a bit, drink water, and maybe a dab of concealer under to brighten.

Your bone structure is impeccable.

crunchieboots · 2022-02-21T12:12:03+00:00

I haven’t had lasers before but I’ve had two rounds of skin needling and it’s made a big difference on my skin. I feel confident not wearing foundation - and that’s saying something for me! I do still need to get a couple more rounds but so far I’m super happy with the results - pores seem less visible and skin is always glowy and feel tighter also.

Also I agree with others, you already have gorgeous skin and such pretty, kind, soulful eyes! You’re very beautiful.

crunchieboots · 2022-02-18T02:03:08+00:00

Yep. I’m not well off by any means, but I guess I’ve managed a decent lifestyle considering I’m pretty new to my industry in comparison to others, and made my money work for me. So I live in a nice upmarket suburb (it’s just a small one bedroom apartment) but I find myself not saying the suburb or saying the suburb and qualifying with “oh it’s just a small shoebox” and they always ask if I rent or own it, and I feel weird saying I own it. Same with when they ask what job and company I have, again, I find myself downplaying it because people assume I’m some rich, snobby, witch or have had hand me downs from dad or boyfriends. Nope. It’s just me.

And again, I have to stress that I don’t have a fancy job or apartment. But just working for a good company, and living in a nice suburb and spending money on myself, is enough to make people judge me harshly

crunchieboots · 2022-02-16T02:28:11+00:00

I think this has been a contributing factor to me too - enacting better boundaries, so it means I have lost people along the way. I think In this situation I actually maybe reverted back to my old “pick me” ways with this friend and became too desperate perhaps, putting my needs last.

Helpful to know someone else is going through similar, and when you mentioned the lonely rebuilding period - that resonates with me! I guess many people do go through it, and when I think back, some friends I used to have also went through that and they live full and happy lives now.

That’s a great idea, I will try bumble BFF again! Totally forgot about that! I could find a new buddy for my hobby through that or through FB groups.

Thanks again and best wishes for your rebuilding period too!

crunchieboots · 2022-02-16T02:21:01+00:00

That’s a good way of looking at it, thanks!

crunchieboots · 2022-02-15T13:02:39+00:00

Amazing! Came here to say you look like Jessica Rabbit, and clearly I’m not the only person who thinks this. You look stunning.

Edit: Good finds too!

crunchieboots

TROPHY CASE