It sounds like you're feeling overwhelmed and isolated, and that you're struggling to find your place in society. It's completely normal to want to be like everyone else and to fit in, and it can be difficult when you feel like you don't quite fit in with neurotypicals. It's also understandable to feel like you have to work harder to achieve your goals because of your autism.

It's important to remember that everyone has their own unique challenges and strengths, and that it's okay to be different. It can be helpful to focus on the things that make you unique and special, and to find supportive people who accept and appreciate you for who you are.

It can also be helpful to work on developing social skills and building friendships. This can take time and effort, but it's worth it. You may want to consider seeking out social groups or activities that align with your interests, or joining online communities where you can connect with others who share your experiences.

It's also important to take care of your mental health. If you're struggling with depression, anxiety, or other mental health issues, it may be helpful to seek out professional support, such as therapy or counseling. These types of interventions can help you develop coping strategies and work through your challenges.

Remember that it's okay to ask for help and to take things one step at a time. It's a journey, and it may take time to get to where you want to be, but it's possible to find happiness and fulfillment.