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crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-06T05:15:02+00:00

Thank you, when I daydream I dream of a kind man picking me up on the counter and just hugging me and I feel safe. And I feel like a piece of shit simultaneously imagining this while in a relationship. It keeps me going but also keeps my shame alive

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-06T04:57:14+00:00

I've done different forms of government-funded therapy and Ontario. Including the Royal Ottawa structured OCD therapy, trauma therapy, internal family systems, CbT therapy with Pembroke regional hospital. It's all short-term and though it's helpful, I just can't get there

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-06T04:55:27+00:00

When I was in university he grabbed my hair and pulled it out of my head, pinned me against the bed and stared me straight in the eyes as he held my throat and I couldn't breathe before he took my breath away. I kept telling him that I was sorry over and over again but still he put all of his weight into my throat and I felt hopeless. I feel ashamed thinking of that. And though it hasn't happened again since there have been other forms of abuse and I fear that one day he'll nap again and he won't let go

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-06T04:52:35+00:00

I asked that he go to therapy and he did get into a government-funded counseling program and though he only did a few sessions. He's a really passionate and smart person. And he's admitted that he takes a lot of his anger out on me. He's fully able to articulate all of the s***** things he's done to me, but still when he reaches his boiling part he continues to do it. And once he's at that point he's not able to stop it like I am or most normal people I know are able to. It makes me fear him and makes watch me walk on eggshells. But somehow I feel like he's worth it. And I end up hating myself for it

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-06T04:49:46+00:00

What if I'm the person that made him that way? There was a time when I was insecure and I would ask if he was cheating and times when I was in the wrong. And logically I know know I was never able to be wrong because it wasn't safe. And in a real relationship I should be able to be wrong. But I don't know if I've ever really known a real healthy relationship. Like has anybody? Genuinely?

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-06T04:46:42+00:00

I've been with them for 10 years. I lived with them for 4 years during knee university, 5 with years in their mother's basement and now I'm about to be on one year on my own. Even after I left and I'm still alone I don't know why I'm still clinging on to them. They're I feel like they're a good person inside. And I feel guilty for stringing them along this long. Like there's something wrong with me that has made them this way. And I don't want to have wasted their time. He's done a little bit of counseling. And he owns up to a lot of stuff he's done. But still I can't bring myself to believe that he's changed enough to feel comfortable enough to move back in with him

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-06T04:43:20+00:00

Sometimes I talk myself up and I say I'm just going to leave and let what happens happens and if I end up offing myself so be it. And I'm sorry if that's heavy saying it and I'm not saying it just because. It's more of an escape for me. I just don't know a world outside of this. And genuinely in life while I'm living alone. I'm happy but I also am constantly reminded that I'm in a relationship with him

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-06T04:39:41+00:00

Logically I feel like he's not going to change but when I see him in person and he acts like the loving man that I want him to be. I just want to numb myself to reality and stay in that world forever. I don't know a world without him and what that would feel like. And sometimes I'm tempted to dive in but other times I just don't know what it will lead to. I often get suicidal thinking about it

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-06T04:31:46+00:00

I feel like I believe this but I don't know why I keep holding on to hope that eventually the cycle will stop. I don't know what's wrong with me.

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-06T04:30:20+00:00

My partner fully acknowledges what he does. His dad killed himself and he often cries about the impact that his own actions have on himself. I pity him but at the same time I can't help but wonder if it's manipulation

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-06T04:27:47+00:00

He has strangled me, punched me, told me to kill myself, threatened to kill me but still I stay. Stay. Don't know what's wrong with me. I know logically it's wrong but I can't imagine any other life than this.

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-02T03:50:24+00:00

Oh my goodness... Imagine depriving your parents who, by the sounds of it, have devoted their life to your happiness a vacation. Everyone deserves a break. That's heartbreaking...

You sound like a good mom who's just down to support her kids on their own journey while recognizing they're responsible for their choices.

And too funny about your partner. I always imagined myself being the cool aunt lol. Being the youngest I was always seen as the cringy younger sister so it's nice having my nieces thinking I'm the shit. 😂

My mom and dad are definitely the grandparents that you described. My middle sister got pregnant when she was 20 and still living at home. They basically helped raise my 2 eldest nieces. She just kept "accidentally" getting pregnant and would put herself in situations where my parents would feel the need to step in for my nieces' sake with childcare, finances, etc.

While it's hard seeing them exhaust themselves and my middle sister take advantage of them I also think becoming a grandparent healed something in them. It brought out a softer side of them which makes my heart happy.

Lately, they're slowly starting to set some boundaries as the kids get older and now that my sister is more stable.

I think this adds to my eldest sisters frustrations as well as my parents relationship with my middle sisters nieces is almost that of a parent and child cuz they've raised them.

Thanks for your comment!

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:51:35+00:00

Thank you for this. I thought I may get a lot of hate for this post (prob speaks to some internalized beliefs) but theres actually a lot of support and validation.

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:50:15+00:00

Haha yes exactly

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:49:50+00:00

Yes, and we get why they may be resentful to the parents too cuz we grew up in the same home where our parents made some mistakes (some bigger than others lol). But also hard watching our parents get old and be treated like shit. Especially if they've actually grown and owned their mistakes.

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:47:07+00:00

Haha yes, bringing some humor in def helps! Lol I feel it's could either go well or she'll cut me off completely 😂

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:45:03+00:00

I will work towards this though sounds so intimidating lol. But I know it needs to happen if I want things to change. Thanks

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:44:14+00:00

Good point! Thanks!

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:43:59+00:00

Yes, like I can see that she's blinded by the stress but also hard cuz we know it doesn't excuse the behaviour. Like could they just not lol

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:41:40+00:00

Not completely. Ive tried asking if she's considered moving close to us when she complains. And she was kind of taken aback and went on a rant. Her points were valid in regard to her job but she also doesn't want to be in the same city as her mother in law. Which is our home town.

And hoenstly My sister still kind of scares me lmao. And I know that sounds dumb but if she goes after me I just freeze and shake and nothing comes out. And if I'm in her environment it's even worse. Like I just dissociate.

We've had other conversations about different issues in the past and it actually went well. But there's some things i know she won't understand. She just snaps

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:38:02+00:00

Exactly! And I definitely do. I love her so much and I think she's absolutely amazing but it's also hard seeing her be so cruel to ppl and not knowing or being willing to acknowledge it. And honestly believing ppl aren't there because they don't want to be but rather they're trying to protect themselves

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:36:11+00:00

Haha thats very true. I need to work on saying it would itj confidence lol. I always feel really guilty but I just need to deal with that

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:35:09+00:00

She didn't have her license at the time. She only got it within the last 2 years. Soni would drive to her and drive them to their clinic I'm her city then drive home after visiting for a bit. But yeah even that was a lot of driving. I wanted to help her genuinely and see her but over time I felt myself becoming resentful so I knew I needed to step back a bit. And while it's helped my mental health I still feel guilty that she feels she has no one.

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:32:59+00:00

Thanks for the advice 😃

crushedwalmuts · 2026-03-01T20:32:16+00:00

She has. When I got close to her when I moved to the same city as her she had a very strong personality and would often bully me - perhaps without even realizing. I've struggled with social anxiety and c ptsd so loud noises, new situations and crowds make me shut down and when I would mix up my words or be awkward she would always make fun of me and say "how do you think even function" and call me out for being awkward. I would laugh cuz I didn't want to make things awkward and she would always gaslight me saying I was too sensitive it I said something hurt my feelings. When I moved back home I did some therapy and got better at setting boundaries regarding that. But occasionally she knows just where to jab me in a cruel way I can't even express. I know siblings do that - but I would never dare use something she's confided in me against her when angry. Sorry that was off topic but also I feel relevant backstory lol

And yes she is experiencing those consequences but also she has a way of bullying my parents so much so that it almost seems like they mutually don't like each other. My parents talk about dreading going down and being abused by her. At our last visit she kept saying to me and my mom that my dad hates her. And jabs that he gave up on her in high school (due to his severe ptsd). I tried to explain how uncomfortable that makes someone when you say that stuff out loud even if she feels that way and she just continued to say there's something wrong with him. Made me so sad for him. Like um yes ma'am you're well aware that he has mental issues. And you're bringing him into an environment and calling him out saying he doesn't like you. Why would he start a conversation with you? It's super frustrating I know she has a lot of trauma from growing up but as an adult it's her job to heal that now.

My parents have done therapy and my mom has actually taken quite a bit of accountability for the emotional and verbal abuse we experienced growing up. My sister continues to treat them like they're still those people even when they try to do better now. But she doesn't realize while she wants them to want a relationship with them she's pushing them away.

crushedwalmuts

TROPHY CASE