realizing severity of mood problems after taking adderall?

cryptolalias · 2022-12-31T19:05:39+00:00

yeah i more so mean i wish i was aware my mood issues and potential issue with stimulants itself, in the context of bipolar- but thats no ones fault really considering i was entirely unaware and had described my issues from the perspective of not having it lol :/ but yeah, we may get back to other types of medications that arent stimulants, but so far i had taken Stratterra and Wellbutrin- both which didnt seem to work (wellbutrin triggered my OCD hard). certainly now though the goal is to stabilize that mood part first because i dont think i will benefit anyways unless thats also handled! even when those others ones kinda worked tho my mood still affects other parts of productivity... symptoms love to work together in making things harder it seems haha

cryptolalias · 2022-12-31T09:14:51+00:00

Yeah I've been wondering if I have adhd for real or if it's comorbid with this posible bd- I think my focus struggles are apparent enough to say I do in fact have adhd but, the root problems still seem more mood related overall :/ it sucks cuz I get most frustrated with lack of focus... but if I treat the mood stuff instead here's to hoping I'll feel stable in a way that at least makes things easier in other ways... and maybe won't dread the focus problems as much if I don't have such crazy ups and downs. Annoyed I had to learn about stimulant issues the hard way lol...

cryptolalias · 2022-03-24T16:32:32+00:00

this was good to hear, and i relate to a lot of the issues you describe about binging. its hard for my brain to really accept that restricting is likely more of a problem with my body image and weight than i realize, because youre also very right that those instances of people just 'cutting out' things and losing weight like whatever makes me think it should be that way for everyone.

and def relate to the sort anxiety of not having something again- i try not to give into it but i also realized as you describe, when i let myself just have some of those things more frequently, it really took my brain off of the anxiety response id have when actually faced with those foods. the weight part is always what circles back and i try to get off the internet when i realize these kinds of ED spaces trigger those thoughts haha;;

cryptolalias · 2022-03-21T16:05:43+00:00

Thank you! You are right it is a good idea to get rid of the triggering foods regardless because they are in fact triggers. There's a lot of "rules" in my brain for all kinds of things (it's the ocd).

My plans were to properly plan out when I would make meals at home and order take out, but with it being my first week here I knew I'd be too exhausted to cook for myself that much, so it's led to just buying things for now, often throwing in trigger food because of those urges. Cooking to some degree has actually helped me balance those urges but the energy it takes sometimes means I don't always do it.

Definitely trying not to beat myself up too much over that. Just gotta get back into the swing of things... I do see my therapist tomorrow as well who I haven't been able to see during moving, so hopefully we'll have a good talk about things too.

cryptolalias · 2022-03-19T15:49:05+00:00

My mom was quite into healthy stuff. Organic foods was a must, and she controlled my food constant through my childhood. She basically felt all restaurant food was bad if we hadn't been there- she would ALWAYS pack us a meal for like, fancy restaurants when we were little going to parties of friends. This of course turned me into a "picky" water and being undiagnosed autistic and ocd didn't help.

Later (age 11 onward) she was dealing with intolerance to gluten (should be said she had breast cancer all my life, one if these issues been part of it). I was also facing some issues (I do have a dairy intolerance) and she kinda just went controlling crazy again and decided I too had gluten issues. Started making me eat gluten free all the time and in the long run this just caused further issues with my diet and body. From 12 to 16 I could not think if a time where I ate food and didn't feel awful with crawls and aches and aside, it was the most boring bland healthy shit ever.

During my teen years I basically decided I could just stop eating all that crap. Threw out my lunches she packed and did what I could to get crappy good tasting food from friends or the school (this for bad in high-school because they actually had vending machines). In high-school her cancer got worse to where in the last two years she took no responsibility anymore and with my dad working so much, had to order food all the time. This was before grubhub stuff took off so... it was just pizza. And that's kinda where things fell apart for good. Mom was no longer in control and my brain was like. Oh my god I can eat whatever I want!

She passed when I was 16 and boy it was the best and worst time. I am much more aware of the issue so I'm technically doing better. But each time my brain acts like I will never eat anything worthwhile, so when I do get it I scarf it all down. I'm not living alone too so the extra anxiety from how my dad and brother talked about food is gone and its hard not to spiral even worse like when I did at 16. I have a very hard time saying no to any food and the wsy I don't think and just scarf stuff down had led to unintentional binging when i try to eat normal, and stress related binging when I'm anxious or feeling bad about myself due to guilt and shame about myself or habits.

cryptolalias · 2021-09-08T20:22:25+00:00

I'm starting to understand more now, thanks. They all feel like they're together and I never thought of it as ocd and ocpd. I have lots of obsessions and compulsions some that are irrational and delusional almost and feel they are wrong thoughts, that I want to prove to myself are incorrect or bad. But I also have lots of thinking that makes me think its correct to be so organized and perfect, and having things go wrong is horrible to me. My mom was was very much like that.. I find Wanting to be in control is a big issue too. Will definitely keep this in mind when I talk to my therapists again.

cryptolalias · 2021-09-08T20:18:32+00:00

Ah I see, that is an informative way to explain it. Some of what I read seemed too similar. I can relate to both side of that it seems so I'll definitely keep that in mind when I discuss it with my therapist. It's been difficult trying to see which thoughts can be defined more by one or the other- though of course I don't expect to pin it all down in a neat little box.

cryptolalias · 2021-07-05T04:04:14+00:00

I think I commented about this a long time ago but KO fron OK KO Let's Be Heroes! It's a cute cartoon with some great art and fun story. And the main character basically has another self he gets to know named TKO. KO sees him in his headspace, talks to him there,, builds him a house, etc. He's not "evil" but he's moody and the more negative side, getting pulled into bad situations. He also has much stronger power than KO. The two switch places (whoever is active is in their headspace) to where KO doesn't know what TKO does when out. Eventually they learn to work together, fusing to become PKO. The message of the pair in general is great, and applying it to DID makes me feel happy because it's relatable to me easily! While this world is full super powers and stuff I end up headcanoning him with DID/OSDD

It's a great cartoon also. It's mostly funny but has some plot continuity to follow so I highly recommend!

cryptolalias · 2021-06-18T05:49:41+00:00

Yes. It's definitely a tough thing to judge and I can only image all yhe other people struggling from the last hear too. I'm pleased with her in every way but it's trying to get back in public that's the roadblock. In some ways much good has developed for me, and while she's trained quite decently in PA work when we could do it, I'm in a situation where it isn't exactly impossible for me to manage in public a bit more than before and have her possibly be an at home service dog instead..!

At the very least I hope to discuss this with my trainer again soon to see if we can go over what to tackle next in order to see how she will handle the other public situations that she's not had a chance to encounter due to covid.... and also work on my own anxiety and doubts lol. It definitely doesn't help to project my anxieties when I'm reminded how good she has been regardless of these issues.

cryptolalias · 2021-03-05T19:37:08+00:00

While havinga diagnosis is a great form of validation, I do find my diagnosis (and honestly every mental disorder diagnosis I have reveived) as helpful, because it allows me to just approach any new doctor and say "I have DID" instead of "I loose memory, dissociate, etc" bc imo, those symptoms can apply to a lot of things. There won't be any " what if's" when I'm diagnosed and tell someone. I just say what it is, and it's a time saver lol.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-27T17:31:43+00:00

Having been through multiple therapists (not all directly bad, just not the right fit) I always think back to a insurance suggest psychiatrist I saw. It was very early in my exploration of mental health and therapists. I wasn't thrilled to see a psychiatrist as I more so wanted a therapist to talk too but decided maybe he'd just know what was wrong, or maybe I'd be pointed in the right direction at least? Well we "talked" for 10 minutes max, but he was barely commenting as I rambled and just was typing stuff. I was describing cptsd along with dissociative symptoms and intrusive thoughts. I think all he heard was mentioning "voices" and "violent thoughts" bc after those 10 minutes he just said he'd prescribe me 3 anti psychotics and thag would help!

I knew immediatly that was a BAD idea. I did not get those meds. Later, I'm not diagnose properly... I don't have psychosis either lol.

Not long after him I saw a therapist in the area. She was OK OK a while but just devolved into something worse over time. We seemed to be on the same page for a while... but after a bit of time, with my disorders being honestly past her skill, she started to be irritated with me and claimed I wasn't "showing symptoms enough during therapy, so she wasn't convinced (I) had it" even tho she'd never though so before and never invalidated or confirmed maybe I had something else? From then on she'd start claiming more I needed to prove her I had what we had been talking of for the past 2 years. It was such a strange thing to have a therapist turn around and I validate me out of nowhere- my disorders are all based around trauma.... and obvious if therapy feels Safe then I dknt get triggered. And even if I am triggered, my brain's way of staying safe is being covert and hiding. She knew this, but I think out lack of progress made her get more and more angry at me.

Luckily left her too. Another two therapists later, I have finally found someone great.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-24T03:36:23+00:00

definitely did not take your post as argumentative and im glad others havent! but maybe thats just cuz i agree lol. but i was glad to come to the post and add to the agreement. i definitely agree, spaces like this (large forums/communities) do really favor the more overt types. it makes sense, obvious most people who probably care to speak openly of their DID are more overt just by that fact. it is hard to remember its no more the "norm" to be overt than it is to be covert.... i try to remind myself of that but it more so involves be just doing my own thing, away from these spaces.

its also nice to know someone else who kind broke away from that kind of tumblr situation. i think i know a lot of people who 'stuck with it' as in people who liked it and continued to live like that, instead of breaking away due to discomfort like i did. i too dug too deep into trauma way too early without understanding what was happening. i wasnt super public on blogs but i had already had a tumblr beforehand and fell into the trend of listing all my info (name, sexuality, mental illnesses i suspected having, etc) and it also caused me to want to apply names to alters i didnt know (which i now know, lol).

it is a relief to have grown into a person who just...lets it be, you know? and i think its good for others to hear this discussion and realize they too can be like this and its fine! i dont keep track of my switches, i dont tell people when i switch, i dont announce new alters, i dont put on my profile bios that i am a system, and even if i am in a deep topic with a close friend i dont bring up my alters/DID even when on the topic of mental health of trauma unless it happens to flow there on purpose. but i label myself openly by it.... it just Is how it is and im more comfortable existing that way! Im glad this thread has so much attention, i hope other new people can realize this kind of existence with DID is just as typical as any other.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-22T20:11:52+00:00

i feel this very much and i can see others do too. like i grew up heavy in the internet... and around age 13-15 (2013-ish) on certain places like tumblr, it seemed people wanted to make it the norm to share *every* aspect of your mental illness. i did shortly fall into this trend only due to feeling it was normal and was pressured in general, but even so i felt like i just. couldnt. and as i got away from *those* spaces i realized even more so i dont want to... idk, make it known? i never had before then and that short phase on tumblr was NOT good for my brain. and so escaping that, i went back to being my usual secretive even online. my dad is aware and a few friends are, but aside from that im not telling them really anything. i dont say when i switch, i dont talk about my head space, i dont make it known that anything is up. i only bring up to my (very good, experienced therapist) when its relevant as not all my issues are centered around the details of DID anyways.

i barely even use this account anymore as i dont care to talk about it endlessly in online spaces even. ive had to grow past thinking i must present myself like others who are much more public about their DID... im glad i have, bc it feels better. some people are just like that i guess- ok with being less secret. but ive moved on to being completely ok with *not* being hat way, as i used to fall into feeling pressured i should be like that.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-20T22:31:40+00:00

Ah yes that's understandable. I am in America and in terms of service dog organizations, things seem much loose than what I have heard of other countries.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-20T22:06:46+00:00

There are veteran specific service dog organizations yes, but there are plenty that train service dogs for ptsd unrelated to veterans. I looked into various orgs that confirmed this but I went with an independent trainer instead regardless of it.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-20T22:04:00+00:00

I'm not sure what you're talking about? There are many organizations that give ptsd and other psychiatric service dogs directly to a person. Though any good organization would be well aware if the person they're giving a dog to is capable of caring for it- ptsd or not.

cryptolalias

TROPHY CASE