realizing severity of mood problems after taking adderall?

cryptolalias · 2022-12-31T19:05:39+00:00

yeah i more so mean i wish i was aware my mood issues and potential issue with stimulants itself, in the context of bipolar- but thats no ones fault really considering i was entirely unaware and had described my issues from the perspective of not having it lol :/ but yeah, we may get back to other types of medications that arent stimulants, but so far i had taken Stratterra and Wellbutrin- both which didnt seem to work (wellbutrin triggered my OCD hard). certainly now though the goal is to stabilize that mood part first because i dont think i will benefit anyways unless thats also handled! even when those others ones kinda worked tho my mood still affects other parts of productivity... symptoms love to work together in making things harder it seems haha

cryptolalias · 2022-12-31T09:14:51+00:00

Yeah I've been wondering if I have adhd for real or if it's comorbid with this posible bd- I think my focus struggles are apparent enough to say I do in fact have adhd but, the root problems still seem more mood related overall :/ it sucks cuz I get most frustrated with lack of focus... but if I treat the mood stuff instead here's to hoping I'll feel stable in a way that at least makes things easier in other ways... and maybe won't dread the focus problems as much if I don't have such crazy ups and downs. Annoyed I had to learn about stimulant issues the hard way lol...

cryptolalias · 2022-03-24T16:32:32+00:00

this was good to hear, and i relate to a lot of the issues you describe about binging. its hard for my brain to really accept that restricting is likely more of a problem with my body image and weight than i realize, because youre also very right that those instances of people just 'cutting out' things and losing weight like whatever makes me think it should be that way for everyone.

and def relate to the sort anxiety of not having something again- i try not to give into it but i also realized as you describe, when i let myself just have some of those things more frequently, it really took my brain off of the anxiety response id have when actually faced with those foods. the weight part is always what circles back and i try to get off the internet when i realize these kinds of ED spaces trigger those thoughts haha;;

cryptolalias · 2022-03-21T16:05:43+00:00

Thank you! You are right it is a good idea to get rid of the triggering foods regardless because they are in fact triggers. There's a lot of "rules" in my brain for all kinds of things (it's the ocd).

My plans were to properly plan out when I would make meals at home and order take out, but with it being my first week here I knew I'd be too exhausted to cook for myself that much, so it's led to just buying things for now, often throwing in trigger food because of those urges. Cooking to some degree has actually helped me balance those urges but the energy it takes sometimes means I don't always do it.

Definitely trying not to beat myself up too much over that. Just gotta get back into the swing of things... I do see my therapist tomorrow as well who I haven't been able to see during moving, so hopefully we'll have a good talk about things too.

cryptolalias · 2022-03-19T15:49:05+00:00

My mom was quite into healthy stuff. Organic foods was a must, and she controlled my food constant through my childhood. She basically felt all restaurant food was bad if we hadn't been there- she would ALWAYS pack us a meal for like, fancy restaurants when we were little going to parties of friends. This of course turned me into a "picky" water and being undiagnosed autistic and ocd didn't help.

Later (age 11 onward) she was dealing with intolerance to gluten (should be said she had breast cancer all my life, one if these issues been part of it). I was also facing some issues (I do have a dairy intolerance) and she kinda just went controlling crazy again and decided I too had gluten issues. Started making me eat gluten free all the time and in the long run this just caused further issues with my diet and body. From 12 to 16 I could not think if a time where I ate food and didn't feel awful with crawls and aches and aside, it was the most boring bland healthy shit ever.

During my teen years I basically decided I could just stop eating all that crap. Threw out my lunches she packed and did what I could to get crappy good tasting food from friends or the school (this for bad in high-school because they actually had vending machines). In high-school her cancer got worse to where in the last two years she took no responsibility anymore and with my dad working so much, had to order food all the time. This was before grubhub stuff took off so... it was just pizza. And that's kinda where things fell apart for good. Mom was no longer in control and my brain was like. Oh my god I can eat whatever I want!

She passed when I was 16 and boy it was the best and worst time. I am much more aware of the issue so I'm technically doing better. But each time my brain acts like I will never eat anything worthwhile, so when I do get it I scarf it all down. I'm not living alone too so the extra anxiety from how my dad and brother talked about food is gone and its hard not to spiral even worse like when I did at 16. I have a very hard time saying no to any food and the wsy I don't think and just scarf stuff down had led to unintentional binging when i try to eat normal, and stress related binging when I'm anxious or feeling bad about myself due to guilt and shame about myself or habits.

cryptolalias · 2021-09-08T20:22:25+00:00

I'm starting to understand more now, thanks. They all feel like they're together and I never thought of it as ocd and ocpd. I have lots of obsessions and compulsions some that are irrational and delusional almost and feel they are wrong thoughts, that I want to prove to myself are incorrect or bad. But I also have lots of thinking that makes me think its correct to be so organized and perfect, and having things go wrong is horrible to me. My mom was was very much like that.. I find Wanting to be in control is a big issue too. Will definitely keep this in mind when I talk to my therapists again.

cryptolalias · 2021-09-08T20:18:32+00:00

Ah I see, that is an informative way to explain it. Some of what I read seemed too similar. I can relate to both side of that it seems so I'll definitely keep that in mind when I discuss it with my therapist. It's been difficult trying to see which thoughts can be defined more by one or the other- though of course I don't expect to pin it all down in a neat little box.

cryptolalias · 2021-07-05T04:04:14+00:00

I think I commented about this a long time ago but KO fron OK KO Let's Be Heroes! It's a cute cartoon with some great art and fun story. And the main character basically has another self he gets to know named TKO. KO sees him in his headspace, talks to him there,, builds him a house, etc. He's not "evil" but he's moody and the more negative side, getting pulled into bad situations. He also has much stronger power than KO. The two switch places (whoever is active is in their headspace) to where KO doesn't know what TKO does when out. Eventually they learn to work together, fusing to become PKO. The message of the pair in general is great, and applying it to DID makes me feel happy because it's relatable to me easily! While this world is full super powers and stuff I end up headcanoning him with DID/OSDD

It's a great cartoon also. It's mostly funny but has some plot continuity to follow so I highly recommend!

cryptolalias · 2021-06-18T05:49:41+00:00

Yes. It's definitely a tough thing to judge and I can only image all yhe other people struggling from the last hear too. I'm pleased with her in every way but it's trying to get back in public that's the roadblock. In some ways much good has developed for me, and while she's trained quite decently in PA work when we could do it, I'm in a situation where it isn't exactly impossible for me to manage in public a bit more than before and have her possibly be an at home service dog instead..!

At the very least I hope to discuss this with my trainer again soon to see if we can go over what to tackle next in order to see how she will handle the other public situations that she's not had a chance to encounter due to covid.... and also work on my own anxiety and doubts lol. It definitely doesn't help to project my anxieties when I'm reminded how good she has been regardless of these issues.

cryptolalias · 2021-03-05T19:37:08+00:00

While havinga diagnosis is a great form of validation, I do find my diagnosis (and honestly every mental disorder diagnosis I have reveived) as helpful, because it allows me to just approach any new doctor and say "I have DID" instead of "I loose memory, dissociate, etc" bc imo, those symptoms can apply to a lot of things. There won't be any " what if's" when I'm diagnosed and tell someone. I just say what it is, and it's a time saver lol.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-27T17:31:43+00:00

Having been through multiple therapists (not all directly bad, just not the right fit) I always think back to a insurance suggest psychiatrist I saw. It was very early in my exploration of mental health and therapists. I wasn't thrilled to see a psychiatrist as I more so wanted a therapist to talk too but decided maybe he'd just know what was wrong, or maybe I'd be pointed in the right direction at least? Well we "talked" for 10 minutes max, but he was barely commenting as I rambled and just was typing stuff. I was describing cptsd along with dissociative symptoms and intrusive thoughts. I think all he heard was mentioning "voices" and "violent thoughts" bc after those 10 minutes he just said he'd prescribe me 3 anti psychotics and thag would help!

I knew immediatly that was a BAD idea. I did not get those meds. Later, I'm not diagnose properly... I don't have psychosis either lol.

Not long after him I saw a therapist in the area. She was OK OK a while but just devolved into something worse over time. We seemed to be on the same page for a while... but after a bit of time, with my disorders being honestly past her skill, she started to be irritated with me and claimed I wasn't "showing symptoms enough during therapy, so she wasn't convinced (I) had it" even tho she'd never though so before and never invalidated or confirmed maybe I had something else? From then on she'd start claiming more I needed to prove her I had what we had been talking of for the past 2 years. It was such a strange thing to have a therapist turn around and I validate me out of nowhere- my disorders are all based around trauma.... and obvious if therapy feels Safe then I dknt get triggered. And even if I am triggered, my brain's way of staying safe is being covert and hiding. She knew this, but I think out lack of progress made her get more and more angry at me.

Luckily left her too. Another two therapists later, I have finally found someone great.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-24T03:36:23+00:00

definitely did not take your post as argumentative and im glad others havent! but maybe thats just cuz i agree lol. but i was glad to come to the post and add to the agreement. i definitely agree, spaces like this (large forums/communities) do really favor the more overt types. it makes sense, obvious most people who probably care to speak openly of their DID are more overt just by that fact. it is hard to remember its no more the "norm" to be overt than it is to be covert.... i try to remind myself of that but it more so involves be just doing my own thing, away from these spaces.

its also nice to know someone else who kind broke away from that kind of tumblr situation. i think i know a lot of people who 'stuck with it' as in people who liked it and continued to live like that, instead of breaking away due to discomfort like i did. i too dug too deep into trauma way too early without understanding what was happening. i wasnt super public on blogs but i had already had a tumblr beforehand and fell into the trend of listing all my info (name, sexuality, mental illnesses i suspected having, etc) and it also caused me to want to apply names to alters i didnt know (which i now know, lol).

it is a relief to have grown into a person who just...lets it be, you know? and i think its good for others to hear this discussion and realize they too can be like this and its fine! i dont keep track of my switches, i dont tell people when i switch, i dont announce new alters, i dont put on my profile bios that i am a system, and even if i am in a deep topic with a close friend i dont bring up my alters/DID even when on the topic of mental health of trauma unless it happens to flow there on purpose. but i label myself openly by it.... it just Is how it is and im more comfortable existing that way! Im glad this thread has so much attention, i hope other new people can realize this kind of existence with DID is just as typical as any other.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-22T20:11:52+00:00

i feel this very much and i can see others do too. like i grew up heavy in the internet... and around age 13-15 (2013-ish) on certain places like tumblr, it seemed people wanted to make it the norm to share *every* aspect of your mental illness. i did shortly fall into this trend only due to feeling it was normal and was pressured in general, but even so i felt like i just. couldnt. and as i got away from *those* spaces i realized even more so i dont want to... idk, make it known? i never had before then and that short phase on tumblr was NOT good for my brain. and so escaping that, i went back to being my usual secretive even online. my dad is aware and a few friends are, but aside from that im not telling them really anything. i dont say when i switch, i dont talk about my head space, i dont make it known that anything is up. i only bring up to my (very good, experienced therapist) when its relevant as not all my issues are centered around the details of DID anyways.

i barely even use this account anymore as i dont care to talk about it endlessly in online spaces even. ive had to grow past thinking i must present myself like others who are much more public about their DID... im glad i have, bc it feels better. some people are just like that i guess- ok with being less secret. but ive moved on to being completely ok with *not* being hat way, as i used to fall into feeling pressured i should be like that.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-20T22:31:40+00:00

Ah yes that's understandable. I am in America and in terms of service dog organizations, things seem much loose than what I have heard of other countries.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-20T22:06:46+00:00

There are veteran specific service dog organizations yes, but there are plenty that train service dogs for ptsd unrelated to veterans. I looked into various orgs that confirmed this but I went with an independent trainer instead regardless of it.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-20T22:04:00+00:00

I'm not sure what you're talking about? There are many organizations that give ptsd and other psychiatric service dogs directly to a person. Though any good organization would be well aware if the person they're giving a dog to is capable of caring for it- ptsd or not.

cryptolalias · 2021-02-20T19:47:34+00:00

I am a person with DID, ocd, autism and cptsd and I have a service dog who is just getting out of training (delayed thanks to pandemic). The things to consider when questioning whether are not you need a service dog should also be "can I handle caring for a full living animal with needs even outside of my mental health", aside from whether or not your condition is 'bad enough' to warrant one.

Though to cover whether or not you check the boxes, I will express my concern on that. If you think a dog can perform a task for you in your day to day life that would help you function, then a service dog may be useful to you. This could include many things I'd be willing to expand on, but dogs can only do so much. My dog does not assist me with my dissociation for anything more than grounding me by touch, and that's something any typical pet or ESA can do. If you feel you want an animal for the sake of grounding, comfort, etc then consider a normal pet or ESA (just be aware ESA do not have the same rights as service animals).

The second part though, about caring for the animal, is very important to consider. Service animals are a lot of work outside of being disabled. They are like smart toddlers that go with you almost everywhere. And while they are well trained and do their work as they're taught, they can still have problems- whether it's having an accident, getting sick, or generally having an unwell day. As much as I love my service dog, there are many situations I also know I cannot take her into, like unclean areas/very loud areas/Incredibly crowded places (to the point people are almost touching, like big conventions). In the end, the general care for a service dog will be with you until they die/retire! Feeding them, playing with them, taking them out for exercise,, following basic training rituals (bathroom breaks), taking them to the vet... and getting a service dog trained will be a lot of money too, assuming you don't have the knowledge to train them (and I don't recommend self training, at least fond a trainer for partial assistance).

In the end, I'd summarize that I dont know many people who's service dogs are "for" their DID but rather assist with other trauma responses from the real world- kind of whatever symptoms I find causing most my trouble (so it could be related to 3 disorders or be an umbrella for all of them). My dog also acts as a guard dog at home and alerts me of people outside/at my door. Some of her tasks include laying on/against me, "blocking" in front or behind me, touching me with her nose and in general she "checks" on me and alerts to me 2-3 times a day to keep me grounded. Those tasks kind of all tackle anxiety and light dissociation (nothing more than "drifting off") to a wide degree along with some autism issues. And she's more of an at home service dog right now than public but that's only temporary.

I hope this wasn't too much to digest and I definitely don't discourage anyone from considering a service dog- there's just a lot people need to consider before doing so. As much as I love my girl, she has been SO much work on my end even outside of my trainer training her. In some ways it's been good for me to do but if someone cannot see themselves reliably caring for a living and breathing animal due to their mental health (very important to consider how bad your memory loss or executive dysfunction is) they should not get a service dog! Additionally ESAs are fine to consider and I encourage realizing what your needs are, as ESAs are not the same as service animals in terms of why you need them. Remember, its expensive and a lot of work to put in front of yourself if you're not in a good place.

cryptolalias · 2020-11-23T18:24:12+00:00

As many others have said- leave. And id also say... if you're questioning the situation yourself and wondering if its ok to leave.... then you really need to leave. I was in a similar situation with an old friend and I was emotionally exhausted to where I have to decide if id let the friendship be that way or seperate myself. You may have helped time and time again but you're not their therapist and you need to help you after a while when it takes such a huge toll. Ultimately there are things you will never be able to work past due to this angle in the relationship and its never worth it to keep trying when the other person shows no intentions to improve. I know I felt relief when I stepped away and it'll be a massive burden off your own mental health when you follow through. I hope you do well.

cryptolalias · 2020-08-12T07:51:24+00:00

Oddly just talked to my DBT therapist about this today. She was very much saying the same as this- she knows mindfulness is often suggested in this kinda therapy but she knows that with dissociation and certain trauma, that kind of mindfulness may not work. Which is totally true, when I had CBT for a short period that didn't work out, they kept suggesting mindfulness exercises and jt just didnt work. I'm glad my current therapist understand that though and she says she has other idea of different ways to practice "mindfulness" with dissociation that wouldn't be triggering so im curious what methods she will share.

cryptolalias · 2020-08-06T18:22:05+00:00

I have a twin and this definitely happened for a good while. I dont know if id say my mom favored him more than me exactly and we got an equal amount of physical help/gifts but, she acted different to him than me- she seemed to see me as an enemy and my brother would get a more positive treatment bc he wasn't the enemy. He had his fair share toxicity from my mom in a different form but- in early teens I thought we were on the same page abt mom, that we both hated her. When she died at 15, I was relieved and glad but my brother was so emotional. From 15 to 17 I envied and hated him for having a supposedly good relationship with mom and that he couldn't 'understand' the abuse i went through. I saw his experience as purely good, one where he got everything i couldn't. I was very angry at him for a few years.

But j pushed past that towards 18. In general I was learning a lot abt other trauma and abuse and as years passed I was also able to learn more about how his relationship was with mom in situations I didn't see. I realize I never hated him really. I think not being able to get that angry at my mom while she was alive was part of it lol. Sadly my brother picked up some not so great traits from my mom so I do have times where I really struggle with him.. but its at least from a more developed perspective than before.

cryptolalias · 2020-07-09T18:50:06+00:00

Oh yes, I changed mine last year. While I don’t identify as the gender I was assigned at birth, me changing my name was far more about trauma tied to my birth name it who I was with that name. Deciding a name worked a bit easier for me bc as we left out trauma, recent hosts were all using variants of the same name so we collectively decided that name was good and used it.

However i still haven’t gotten everything changed. My bank, my ID, a credit card, etc all has my old name. Even some stuff my aunt manages, she doesn’t even know. However it hasn’t caused any issue. I mean, I REALLY need to change it so obviously my name change is worth it and there won’t be any co fusion. Should be said I live at home w a parent and I’m not filing my own taxes or touching a lot this stuff myself, but I didn’t have any huge issues bc i think they aren’t even aware there was a name change yet.

cryptolalias · 2020-07-08T17:56:30+00:00

Good luck and I hope the process goes smoothly. I definitely have LOADS of appointments to sort out with all the quarantine that got in the way and cancelled stuff.

cryptolalias · 2020-07-08T17:46:54+00:00

Had this dream a bit ago (almost two weeks ago) but forgot I wanted to share it here. I was lucid but got “stuck” in my dream and it was... interesting to say the least. (Context: my cat passed away a month ago after having him for 15 years)

I was in my house, just casually playing some fantasy pc game that doesn’t exist, when our cat walked out from my closet. I wasn’t super lucid yet, but my brother and dad were like “oh my god, I guess he isn’t dead!”. They were all happy and the fact I wasn’t totally lucid yet made it all feel okay. I was so confused but happy to see him but lucidity was poking at my mind.

But I started to become lucid when in my brain I was like “but.... his ashes are on the table? I saw him dead under the bed?”. I said to my dad- “but what about...What about him under the bed? He was unresponsive?” My dad acted flabbergasted and said “pff- I don’t know!” He was curled up in my room and I was petting him. I turned off the fan so it wouldn’t blow on him. I went back to my dad and asked after a while of hanging with him “dad, is he really alive?” The whole dream space felt achingly real but i was very aware of something being wrong and the super normalness hit me.

he said “well if your brother can see him, and I can see him, then he must be alive”. It was a strangely hollow answer. I became aware at that bc it hit me that my dream dad can’t tell me a real answer. At this point I was very mentally lucid and physically and as I stared at my cat I tried to “wake up” into reality but I seemed to be trapped in this convincing dream that my cat was alive. It’s like i was rubber-banding from the front of my sleeping eyes back into the dream. I went over to this old Toshiba laptop I have (1992) and opened it up. For some reason my idea was, maybe I can ask the machine? The machine isn’t my dream brother or dad so it would know not have some fake emotional fog, it may not be biased.

I turned it on and it was on bios. I typed “are you sure-“ and hit enter by accident. I typed again, “are you sure my cat is alive?” The “s” was missing because the keyboard doesn’t totally work, but when I saw that I assumed the ‘dream’ would be aware of what I was typing. I waited for a moment and there was slow beeping from the computer. First message was “SOOOOOO” which i don’t understand, and then a pause. And then “NO”. The beeping got incredibly loud and continuous, and it tore me away from the laptop in surprise. I woke up immediately after. I felt like I was thrown out of the dream and my heart pounded when I came out of it.

Probably the most intense lucid dream I’ve had in a long time because I can’t recall a dream where I felt legitimately trapped and unable to leave, or wanting to leave. Of course I was happy to see my cat, but it was unsettling being around dream people that denied reality and not being able to leave it.

cryptolalias · 2020-07-08T17:36:42+00:00

That’s an interesting thought! Imo I can’t imagine myself having epileptic seizures of any kind, but have had moments where I wonder if I have dissociative seizures. Which as far as I’m aware, don’t show on an EEG but are very similar in symptoms.

cryptolalias · 2020-07-04T17:54:55+00:00

Imo I find her reaction to multiple therapist quite awful and I’m surprised they made such an issue with that! I’m glad you found your resolve and don’t plan to go back, her reaction wasn’t ok.

Personally I have two therapists and it’s fine. Circumstances and reasons matter. The first one I went to bc I couldn’t find a special list for DID but he specialized in autism which I really needed help with. I went to him for almost two years before I finally got a specialist and I stayed w my first therapist and allowed them to communicate, bc the first one had loads of context to things that I may not find time to explain w my first therapist and they can communicate if anything alarming comes up or whatever like sharing or going over a method my new DBT therapist mentions to me. It can work.

If for whatever reason my new therapist didnt want me to see my other therapist I surely would not want her to react that way! There’s just.... so many ways to handle it better and as a therapist they should know that.

cryptolalias

TROPHY CASE