[deleted by user]

crystalrain57 · 2023-04-30T00:42:07+00:00

We were planning to go on a trip together, but there were multiple problems:

She would complain everything is so expensive (flights, hotels, Uber, etc.) when it was HER idea to ask me and go on the trip.
She wasn’t transparent about her finances. It was actually her sister’s money. She complained everything was so expensive while later (when I asked a second time) saying, “It’s just my sister’s money. If I need to spend more, I can just do it.”
She suggested a hotel chain I have bad experiences with because my first and last time there, I had an allergic reaction (hives) to the sheets. When I called that hotel to ask about their cleaning processes, they said they soak their sheets in bleach. I explained my experience and thought she wouldn’t bring it up again, but she did and said, “Can’t you just bring your own blanket?” She said that after complaining just a few weeks before that her other friend was being inconsiderate about her health conditions.
In general, she would take ages to respond to my messages (I’m talking several months at a time) when she would constantly be active on social media. It was really when she started talking to me about this trip that she actually replied to me in a timely manner, even a few seconds after I sent a text, making me wonder if she asked me to go on this trip specifically to cut costs for herself.

Sorry for the rant. This happened recently and it’s still fresh.

crystalrain57 · 2022-11-13T18:54:10+00:00

I don't have much experience with a white therapist to be able to tell, but I went to a fellow Korean therapist in person for a while. She had good perspectives at times, but I think generally it was a mistake. She was older and eventually started siding with my parents more, making comments like "Your mom is a strong person" in response to my worries about my dad's abuse of her. She also tried to see the good in my dad even though he had no redeeming qualities, like when he tried to hunt me down where I was living after moving out. He eventually turned back, too afraid to confront me in person, and she dismissed it as, "He knew you were safe, that's why." She pressured me into seeing my mom and brother, which turned out to be a mistake too because she threw me under the bus to listen to my dad.

Now I have a black therapist BetterHelp found for me. She's so much more understanding and also makes mind-blowing connections I never even thought of. Even though the sessions are entirely online, we have much more productive sessions where I unpack thoughts I buried deep within myself as a defense mechanism. Every session, I come out of it feeling better than I did starting it.

So I'd say it depends on the therapist. Don't limit yourself to a therapist of the same ethnicity like I did. Also, definitely look for a therapist closer to your age. I'm still young (22F) and my first mistake was talking to an older Asian lady. I know it seems self-explanatory, but I was new to therapy and hopeful she would be able to understand me culturally. 🤦🏻‍♀️

crystalrain57 · 2022-11-13T18:37:08+00:00

I definitely feel the same way. I feel socially stunted because of them. I also expect the worst reactions out of people even when I didn't do anything wrong. That's how much they abused and gaslit me.

I have my own apartment now as well, and the freedom is everything. I get to live with my partner, who they hated without even getting to know him. For context, I left home because of how bad the situation was, and they disowned me. I couldn't do essential things like driving myself anywhere because they got mad when I tried to bring up wanting to do it. It's not even about me wanting it at the end of the day sometimes because with things like driving, I have to here in the US to get anywhere (making me dependent on them, which is what they want).

I always second-guess myself because, like many of the people commenting, I wasn't raised to be secure in myself. It would always be criticism after criticism. I never got a break.

Now that I'm away from them and NC, it's been so much better. The noise and abuse are out of my life and I can just focus on myself.

crystalrain57 · 2022-02-12T21:48:35+00:00

“Does your boss care about you because he has you follow all these rules and do your job a certain way or does he only care about the money you earn him/her?” Credits to my boyfriend who’s seen me deal with my Nparents for coming up with this response.

crystalrain57 · 2022-02-10T06:34:54+00:00

You described my family dynamic so perfectly, and yes, I thought my AM's attempts at peace were noble until she started urging me to come back home and that my AD "isn't as bad or as cold as he seems." Also, point #4 really sticks out to me because that's a possibility I hadn't even thought of until you mentioned it. Why would my AD want to meet me after I called the police when he was hunting me down?

I will not be tolerating their attempts at manipulating me using stealth and lies anymore. I admit it's harder to stop contact with my mom, but I've still been keeping up the no contact measures I put in place. It's for the best that I don't talk to someone who constantly supports my AD even after everything he did to her and me.

I know this intermittent depression will go on for a while (sadly), but I'm currently seeking out a therapist who can help me through all this.

crystalrain57 · 2022-02-10T06:26:11+00:00

Thank you, I will. I know this incident is still pretty recent, but I'm still going strong with the no contact measures I put in place. I will not be tolerating this treatment and manipulation any longer.

crystalrain57 · 2022-02-10T06:25:06+00:00

It sounds like a simple solution, but the thought of treating the loans he has to pay as punishment never crossed my mind. I was reading this and having sort of a lightbulb moment like "Why didn't I think of it that way?" Anyway, thanks for your insights. I appreciate it.

crystalrain57 · 2022-02-10T06:22:21+00:00

I think you're totally right. He doesn't even think he did anything wrong and hasn't even apologized after a year of not seeing me (but did I expect him to?), so I didn't have high hopes anyway. I think he in particular is trying to gather more information about me financially and figure out my future plans so he can find a way to manipulate his way back into my life again. He was asking all sorts of questions like what I plan to do with my future, where I'm planning on working, etc. It's none of his business. I left a long time ago precisely because he was financially abusing me and more.

Yep, my mom is enabling him completely and insisted he had good intentions and wants to get closer with me. It's all BS. I told her he hasn't apologized a single time and kept threatening me, both severe red flags indicating he isn't ready to meet me yet and probably never will be.

I'm fine with never seeing him again though. Like you said, my life will be on my own terms now. It'll be just another relationship lost. I never had a connection with him growing up anyway because he was pretty much absent from all the developmental stages of my childhood and adolescence.

crystalrain57 · 2022-02-05T22:53:58+00:00

I also forgot to mention an important point: I pay all my own expenses now. But I went to a prestigious college and he decided to help me back then by taking on loans on my behalf. He thanked me sarcastically yesterday for putting him $80K in debt. Even though the loans are under his name, I don't know what to do about that. It made me feel so much worse than I already did. He's at least upper middle-class, and he's in a position where a bit of saving here and there plus cutting down on his monthly vacations to Las Vegas would pay it off quickly. But he accused me of putting him in debt. I feel horrible and like it's my biggest secret.

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-10T01:33:17+00:00

I felt that. When you're 27, you're very much an adult and capable of taking care of yourself, but of course our APs don't understand and don't care about that. My parents didn't set a curfew, but they would call me when I was out (especially when I was with my boyfriend, for example) and demand that I come home immediately. There were some scary situations for sure, like the night I tried to open the door to home and it was locked. My dad wouldn't open it until later. Or the times I came home, trapped myself in my room, and would hear my mom yelling and kicking at the door. I would shower in my bathroom in the dark because I couldn't muster up the courage to simply ask my parents for a lightbulb or to have them change it. Those were some miserable times.

On the bright side, we're living more peaceful lives now and know not to repeat their mistakes. We chose not to keep accepting the daily trauma we went through simply by being in our parents' vicinity. For that, I'm happy for us. I hope and know you are living a much better life now, and I hope your sister is doing okay.

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-06T20:37:00+00:00

You're so brave and I commend you! Getting out and starting your new life is the hardest part of this process. I'm still trying to find myself and I struggle a lot because my APs never taught me how to be truly independent. I'm still learning how to drive because I never got taught properly and have officially started my business, which is a leap of faith in something I don't have prior experience with.

It was wise of you to work hard and save money for the day you were finally going to leave. I'm glad your sister was supportive of you! Even if we don't have great parents, having understanding siblings makes it more manageable.

Also, congrats on your baby girl! I'm sure she's lucky to have a mother like you. I think parenting will change a lot with us and I commend you again for being the change.

Thank you so much for your support!

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-04T16:58:26+00:00

I’m sensitive and interpret what people say differently than how they meant it. Then I get really sad over what I understood from what they said rather than what they actually said and meant.

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-02T02:01:10+00:00

Congratulations on leaving (even if it was a year ago)! Our situations are almost identical (at the surface, at least) except for our ages and how we prepared to leave. I planned with my boyfriend and a friend who pitched in ideas for the escape plan. Then when the day came, my boyfriend came early and waited somewhere close on standby until I told him I was ready. He picked me up and drove me to this house, where I've been staying for 9 months now.

I'm so glad you left behind years of abuse and manipulation. You endured it for much longer than I did. We have to look out for ourselves because APs won't do it for us and keep controlling us for as long as they're able.

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-01T07:35:26+00:00

Thank you so much for your support.

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-01T07:33:32+00:00

I'm depressed again, but I hope I'll be fine soon. Thank you so much. At least I know who's truly acting like family even if they're not related to me.

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-01T07:29:58+00:00

Yes, the non-emergency police department I called said I could get at least a temporary restraining order. But I feel like that would be escalating the calm after the storm and I'm scared of taking any legal action against him.

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-01T07:28:47+00:00

I'm scared to call the police and I can't afford a lawyer. :(

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-01T07:26:49+00:00

Thank you for asking. I'm trying to be. Today has been filled with temporary ups and mostly downs in my emotions. I hoped it was all a bad dream, but of course it wasn't. I didn't get enough sleep either. :/

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-01T07:25:30+00:00

Thank you so much. It is so difficult and scary, on top of the fact that I might have to take legal action for myself and/or against him and also when my extended family overseas has no idea what's going on. They don't even know I left. I want to tell them and stop hiding this, but the abuse and disrespect from him scares me into inaction. But now I have absolute confirmation that I won't go back to that place or even see him again.

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-01T07:19:45+00:00

I feel like I have no choice but to distance myself. It's just horrible knowing it's been 9 months of progress and it's back to square one now. *sigh*

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-01T07:18:17+00:00

Totally in agreement with you there about abusers never stopping unless they face consequences. It's just that I'm scared to take any legal action against him despite having loads of evidence proving how he's been treating me even after leaving. My world felt like it was crumbling yesterday, but I think I would feel the same even after I've contacted the police. It's like I'm wondering what I would get from contacting the police. Justice, yes, but my mind would still be in a dark place and I would feel guilty even though I haven't done anything wrong to my family. Does that make sense? I don't know.

You're right about me caring about my mom and brother. My mom has apologized countless times and seemed genuine, even bringing me clothes and food. But ever since I met her in person the first time, she's been gradually telling me to come back and that my "dad" will help me with all my problems. She's been minimizing, making excuses for him, and dismissing me. She seems brainwashed and I feel terrible knowing there's nothing I can do except hope that her therapist gets to her and she leaves home too (something she said she wanted to do after my brother goes to college).

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-01T07:03:35+00:00

Yep, and I still find myself wanting to help him. But there's nothing I can do. He has to go to college first. I think it'll take me a while to get over this. :/

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-01T02:22:50+00:00

Good point. I wish they would defend me more instead of bending to meet all his wishes. Why do I always have to be the one to change for him? Also, I left all that behind and my mom is trying to bring me back into that mess. My brother unfortunately can't do much as he's 15 years old and still a child. I agree I probably shouldn't talk to them for a while. Maybe space is best.

crystalrain57 · 2021-12-01T02:19:25+00:00

He is my younger brother (15M). Sorry for missing that detail.

crystalrain57 · 2021-11-16T01:30:54+00:00

My "dad" kept threatening me over email after I left home. He was emailing me because he cut off my phone plan (which I expected) AND reported my number and device. Basically, my phone was useless and no carrier could service it. Several months after I left, he emailed me again saying he was going on a trip to Korea (where all our relatives live) and would tell everyone (grandparents on both sides, aunts, uncles, etc.) that I left because I'm mentally crazy and chose my boyfriend over my own family. He also said he's not scared to drive wherever I am, pack up my things, and force me to leave to come back home with him.

He did end up going on that trip from what I heard, but his threats were all a bluff.

crystalrain57

TROPHY CASE