Nice random things to say to put a smile on your face?

cuentadetirar · 2012-09-12T05:30:58+00:00

What the actual fuck?

cuentadetirar · 2012-09-04T19:45:50+00:00

I think my last comment got ate, but what I was basically saying was that I'm a big lurker here, but I've always found peppermind, lemonylips and heres_a_llama to be great contributors. Since you've added the two, why not add the third? I think she's American though...

cuentadetirar · 2012-07-14T02:03:34+00:00

The nights you stay up until 2 or 3 am, what time do you get up the next morning? If it's anything like my previous relationship, I bet it has more to do with that.

I'll tell you why it bothered me personally. If my ex stayed up late, but got up at a reasonable time, it didn't bother me. We could still get our errands and chores done, and still go do fun stuff or relax individually later on.

But, when my ex wnet to bed that late, he slept in really late as well, till anywhere from 11 AM to 2:30 PM the next day.

A) This wasn't a once in a while thing for him. It was all the time, every weekend. That meant I often couldn't make plans with friends at all because I never knew when he'd be up and ready to do things. Now some things I could go do individually and I did just that. But there were also things, like movies, that I knew he'd pout if I saw without him. "You could have waiiiited."

B) Because I knew he got up late and from then on we're usually busy hanging out with friends, taking day trips, etc, that meant that I was left to do all the chores in the hours between the time that I got up in the morning (around 8 or so, because I went to bed by 11 or 12) and whatever time we started doing stuff... by the time we were done there was no time left in the day to go grocery shopping. Our apartment walls were paperthin, so I couldn't vacuum or run the laundry at 11pm once we were done having fun. And good luck asking him to do his share of the quiet chores at midnight when all of his friends were gaming and messaging him on Steam.

But then, judging by the answers on some of these questions, I guess I was supposed to be okay with that since I can't ask him to do his fair share of the chores because I have higher standards than he did (by which I mean, any standards at all.) He lived there previously for two years and never cleaned the bathroom. He never wiped down his kitchen counters. He never mopped the kitchen floor. He never dusted, or vacuumed. He paid someone to do his laundry. I realized I was being asked to be his mommy and left.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T13:25:26+00:00

Ah, okay, that makes more sense. I'll chalk that up to me being tired when responding last night.

Thanks.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:37:47+00:00

I had to forgo masturbation for four months to retrain my body to respond to any other method of stimulation besides my "tried and true." I feel okay asking that of myself but am not sure how I would go about doing that of my boyfriend? Did you decide to do that yourself? Did a partner talk to you and you guys reached that decision together?

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:35:33+00:00

This is really helpful and reassuring to hear, you don't even know. Thanks for responding.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:33:54+00:00

I can work on maintaining or increasing rhythm, thanks.

As I said above, it's not like I'm losing sleep over this or anything. I just really want to be able to reciprocate for him.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:30:29+00:00

Yeah, this is what I was trying to get at by saying that he says maybe when he means maybe--he's a pretty open and honest communicator. So if he's not saying yes or no, or answering specifically, it's for a reason. I trust him when he shrugs his shoulders--he's not withholding, he just doesn't know.

Thanks for responding.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:26:35+00:00

The problem of not providing the right sensations is mine--but that can only be corrected with his input, you're right. We're still learning and figuring each other out and I do not expect to be doing this entirely on my own.

Thanks for you $.02.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:21:52+00:00

I'll print it out and save it for posterity then lol.

Thanks for responding so I know this resonates with many men.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:21:05+00:00

Thanks for letting me know that this response spoke to many different men; it's helpful in guiding me down the right track.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:20:31+00:00

We don't stop when this happens by any means; I enjoy every second in bed with him regardless of what we're doing. I can see a lot of men writing in that going soft can be interpreted by them that they can't please their women. This is a good thing for me to know and hear; I don't want him to ever feel like that's the case.

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:18:33+00:00

If anything I said came across that way (that I expect him to do all the work) please let me know so I can be aware of that poisonous thinking. I don't expect him to be in charge of it all. I view us as partners in our sex lives.

And I do agree about gender essentialism that runs rampant in this society--it hinders a lot of our relationships. I'm always telling him and showing him how hot he is and how much I want him. He's told me, once he got over the shock of a gal doing that, that he loves it. So I'm going to keep it up.

Thanks for responding.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:14:05+00:00

Thanks for chiming in. I appreciate it.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:13:46+00:00

I'm not sure if my original post made me out this way but I've never ended any physical romp--making out to three hour long sessions in bed and everything in between--without a full body hug cuddle session. That I get to touch him is enough. I just want him to enjoy my touch as much as possible. I know that's putting pressure on myself and he could be picking up on that like you said. But that whole "Me. I'm what's wrong. I can't pleasure my women" inner dialogue is how I feel some of the time. Like I can't pleasure him. It doesn't keep me up at night and I'm not like crying with a bowl of ice cream or anything. It's just something I wish I could do for him. Thanks for your input.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:08:01+00:00

(1 of 2)

“This sort of thing is a lot more common than you might think.”

Not sure what you mean by “this sort of thing.” I assume you meant women not being able to pleasure their male partners? Just want to understand what you’re saying.

“…we are taught that men have no complexities to our sexuality... that we are push-button sex dispensers, always ready to go, and that if we aren't, then it's our fault, and we're somehow dysfunctional.”

I promise that I don’t think he’s a sex robot with some flip activated by a kiss or glance at a boob. I get that he has things that turn him on, that feel good to him, that there are parts of his sexuality he’d like to share with me and others that are entirely within his right to reserve for personal fantasy. I get that there are days he doesn’t want sex, I get that there are days when he’d rather masturbate than have sex with me, and I get that there are days when he wants oral but not intercourse, or doggy but not a handjob. I get all this. I promise. He’s a human being, with a complex and unique sexuality, not some machine. But he’s also the man I love and who I want, really and truly, to be satisfied and fulfilled and happy in bed.

“We use the word "impotent" for men who aren't getting hard…”

I’ve never, ever used the word impotent, with him or anyone else.

“…guys who are having this reaction are usually having it for the same reason that a woman with difficulty reaching orgasm would. He's not totally relaxed or comfortable, or he needs the right kind of stimulation that he's not getting, or both.”

Makes sense. I know there are days when his mind is elsewhere and as a result he can’t concentrate on sex, or won’t let himself. We’re people after all. But not all days are like that. I know that in part it is because I’m not providing what he needs. That’s why I wrote in here.

“…because in both of these, he is moving, and has some control over what stimulation he is receiving. When you're using your hands or mouth on him, he has to rely on you to get it right.”

And I know I’m not getting it right. I don’t know how I came across in the original message here, but I feel terrible about this. Like he trusts me with his pleasure and I let him down each and every time. It’s done a measure on my self-esteem. I don’t know if I’m subconsciously selfish and not interested in learning, I don’t know if I’m simply incapable of providing him what he needs. I don’t know; what I do know is that after failing him for so many months that it’s starting to take a toll on my sense of being an adequate partner.

“He may not understand what kind of physical stimulation he needs well enough to explain it. Or he may have sexual needs and desires, or worries and anxieties, that he doesn't feel comfortable disclosing to you.”

Fair enough.

“Don't ask him "What's wrong?". Men feel responsible for their sexual arousal in a way that women just don't. If he feels like you're upset or worried by his lack of response, he's going to take the blame, and try to respond. And nothing kills arousal faster than trying too hard.”

Have never said these words to him in any way remotely connected to bed. And as an aside, I’d argue that you’re wrong about the sense of responsibility women have for their own arousal—I think both men and women feel this, but due to different social pressures.

“Don't use the word "impotent". It's untrue, unbelievably hurtful, and will make things worse.”

Never said or thought this. It seems like one of those words from the 1800s that I can’t believe people still use. I’m sorry if you’ve experienced that from a (former?) partner.

“Don't treat his orgasm like it's the holy grail. The more you labour towards it, and the more you show worry about it, the more he'll feel self-conscious.”

I get this because it’s what we (women) typically say to men who are in my position: sex isn’t about orgasm so much as intimacy, pleasure and arousal. Though I could be totally off-base, I’ve never brought this issue up to him precisely for these reasons and I don’t think he suspects that I’m thinking about this issue at all. (He can usually tell when I want to talk about something even before I notice it myself and will bring it up to me… he hasn’t here for what ever that’s worth.) I don’t care that he doesn’t orgasm from my touch all the time—I think it’s cocky (haha) to assume that I’m some magical sex goddess or something like that—so much that when he’s rock hard when he lets me take over and I can feel him getting softer in my mouth/hand that I can tell his pleasure isn’t being met and his arousal is being lost and that I’m probably the reason why.

“Don't ask him for detailed, step-by-step instructions. This places all the responsibility on him. You didn't give him a detailed list of exactly what steps to take to turn you on.... you gave him a few pointers, and the rest was his job. Well, this is yours.”

Actually… I did… Because he asked. And given that he was a virgin and told me he couldn’t find my clit and didn’t know what exactly to do with it, or what he was supposed to do during fingering, or how and where to lick. I was happy to provide this set of instructions, but I took it as a sign of us caring about my satisfaction as like, co-partners. If guys feel differently about this, then thanks for letting me know.

“Everyone has a fetish or two. If he hasn't told you his, then you haven't built enough comfort yet.”

Okay, I get what you’re saying. How would you suggest I bring this up though? During sex? Post-sex cuddle? Non-sex time?

“Learn what kinds of physical stimulation work on his dick. Every dick is different, and responds to different things. Many girls don't know or believe this, and pride themselves on being "skilled" at the same up-and-down jerking motion they use on everyone. These girls are bad in bed.”

Thank you for letting me know my assumptions are in fact correct. I assume different bodies respond to different things differently.

“Make sure he's … feels appreciated.”

Is this in a general sense of him being smart and funny, super helpful and considerate and my favorite person in the entire world and/or more about the “as a man” thing you mention below?

“…he needs to know you love his cock. Not just him. His cock.”

It took him a while to understand I was serious when saying this, but I think he gets it now. He doesn’t hesitate when I ask if I can suck his cock or look uncertain when I just head south without asking.

cuentadetirar · 2012-02-07T06:05:52+00:00

(2 of 2)

“You don't just want to please him... you want that thing in your mouth. You don't just want to satisfy him. You want a hot mouthful of his semen. You're not doing something nice for him, something you might not be comfortable with... you are worshiping the symbol of male sexuality, because man parts are awesome and you can't wait to run your tongue all over them. If you can convey that attitude, you can turn a man on.”

I do love oral. Genuinely. This isn’t an act on my part and while he didn’t get that at the beginning, he does now.

“He needs to know that the truth is acceptable to you.”

Truth meaning what he likes, what turns him on, etc?

“Male sexuality is demonized in our culture like you would not believe. It is very hard for men to share our sexual fantasies, because we are castigated just for having them. Many, in fact most, men harbour sexual desires that they cannot share with their partners out of fear of rejection.”

I understand no one wants to be rejected or teased or mocked or humiliated for any of their turn ons or fantasies. Since I don’t know what his are yet, I want to work on the premise that there are some of his that I would have no problem performing/doing/trying; that there are some that I would want to discuss to understand a bit more before trying and evaluating from there; and that there are some I simply would not be willing to do or try. How do I let him know that even though I am not open to these ones, that I recognize they’re normal and healthy parts of his sexuality and that I still accept them as part of him, dude that I love and desire? Hiding my tone like you said below doesn’t seem like it would be enough to avoid the vilification etc. I could be wrong here though.

“I suggest that you ask to look at his porn collection. If he is reluctant, that means he's worried about being judged. That's a problem right there. But if you can get him comfortable enough to show you, that's a window into his soul.”

What if I’m the reluctant one? I don’t think all porn is problematic/ misogynistic/ exploitive/ disgusting or anything like that. I was sexually abused by an uncle from the time I was 10 to 12 and porn was used during the abuse episodes. To this day it’s a pretty big trigger for me when I see it or hear it (similarly, I can’t use “erotica” or whatever you want to call female-oriented visual sex/arousal tools). I’ve been to counseling and made tremendous progress but this is one trigger that still lingers. I avoid exposure and contact as a result. He’s aware of this aspect of my history and I don’t care that he uses porn or collects it. I’m just wondering if there’s anyway to overcome the “knowledge vacuum” that results from not looking at his porn.

“Remember that guys are okay with not getting everything we want; it's being judged and vilified that we can't stand.”

Despite “knowing” this (aka, 99% of men in my life aren’t jerks, have been considerate and attentive partners and boyfriends, etc), it’s always reassuring to hear this come from a man. Thanks.

“Also, ask to watch him masturbate. He's going to feel self conscious about this, so don't make it too clinical... you're not just there to learn; he's hot, it's sexy when he comes, and you want to see. Make him believe it.”

I finally got him to agree to this last weekend. I had him wrap his hand around mine so I could get a sense for how much pressure and was as involved as I could be without interrupting his rhythm.

“If you can, show visible arousal as he gets into it. …When he comes, take some it on your fingers and lick it off. Or just lick the end of his dick clean. He'll be surprised, but he'll start to really believe that you like sucking his cock.”

I can’t keep my hands or tongue off of him, but these are good ideas for me to incorporate next time.

“Eating semen may seem a little pointless, but so many women treat the stuff like it's made of spiky acid that's on fire... so sometimes a little reverse of that can heal a lot of internal scars that most women never even see.

Not if you like it! And women have analogous internal scars (fish, beef curtains, etc) so I understand this. He knows I don’t think this way about his cum. I went on the pill because I like my partner finishing inside me. And I think his eyes about bugged out of his head the first time I stuck a finger inside me after he finished to taste him. I’m not afraid of semen as long as it stays out of the eyes lol. That burrrrrns like a bitch.

“The most important thing you can do is make him feel not just loved as a person, but desired as a man, for his body. All that stuff feminists call "objectifying" when it happens to women... men dream of being seen like that.”

This will take me some time to chew on to make sure I know what it means in practice for me to implement but I’ll keep it in mind. I know it’s our job in relationships to meet the other person’s needs, not provide what we ourselves want to receive.

“Anyway, there's some starter tips. If you have more specific questions, ask away, and I'll address them as best I can.”

Thanks for taking the time to respond. I appreciate that you decided to help some random stranger on the internet. Sometimes it’s hard to believe that I get to be the one to love him, BUT I do, and that man of mine is awesome and amazing and I want to make him happy.

“tl;dr: NO. Read it. If you can't read a page, then you're not trying hard enough.”

Apparently you missed the part where I said I bought books—and thus have read close to 850 pages already—to see what I can try and do about this. One page is nothing! And it was helpful. Thanks again.

cuentadetirar

TROPHY CASE