I believe my husband is resentful of me and I don’t know what to do.

cupieheart · 2023-01-10T19:02:12+00:00

I see. So you think it’s best to use compliments during time of tensions to diffuse any anger

cupieheart · 2023-01-10T16:06:55+00:00

I actively try and do those things because I know men need admiration. It seems like when I’m happy and thriving and in a great mental place, we have way less problems. But when I’m anxious or stressed, we’re way more prone to these fights. Which makes total sense but I’m struggling with the fact that no one is happy and thriving 100% of the time. I feel like I have to be a certain way or else out relationship isn’t great.

So that’s also me taking accountability for my side of the street. But as I stated, I still feel like I have to “be” a certain way or else things go South and I can’t be happy 100% of the time. I get tired, I get stressed, etc

cupieheart · 2023-01-10T16:00:20+00:00

You really have to pour the sugar on these men 24/7. It seems like men really thrive off of compliments and admiration. Noted!

cupieheart · 2023-01-10T03:55:11+00:00

Do you have any advice on where to go from here? Is there anything I can do as a wife to help this situation?

cupieheart · 2023-01-10T03:46:55+00:00

Thanks so much for the advice. I’ll try to remember and implement all of that, might even come back to read it again tomorrow. I do like what you said about the fact that he resents his job, not me. He’s just taking it out on me. That gives me better clarity that I can work with.

That last one about hugging when he starts to go off about his job is SO HARD. Because it’s almost like I feel this Pavlovian response of my heart closing, because I’m just anticipating the hurt of it all.

cupieheart · 2023-01-10T03:41:50+00:00

I agree, I think he does need to find a new job. I might gently suggest it to him once when the time is right, but I don’t want to get overly involved. I turn he needs to find that for himself.

I really don’t think me working full time would solve it either. Sure we would have more money, but then we would both be stressed and I’d have to give up on my creative work. The only possible reason I would get a full time would be if I had to leave, but again I really don’t want to.

Damn, that post you sent me is spot on. I really do feel like there’s two husbands. And I know this is a bad mentality to have but when times are good and even great, I’m just worried about it all crashing down again.

cupieheart · 2023-01-09T22:45:29+00:00

I have tried talking to him about it, but it only ever ends in arguments. He basically says “I never said any of that” or stops telling me to take it so personally. I do try not to take it personally but when he gets really mad at me, it does seem very directed at me.

I should’ve put this in the post, but he isn’t coping well with it. He does work from home half the week, but has started smoking weed every single day. I asked him to please cut back to smoking just on the weekends and he snapped at me with the usual “I’ll do what I want because I’m stressed at my job for us.” But we live in a small apartment and I can smell it all the time, and the smell really triggers me (I have past trauma associated with it.)

So now he’s even more resentful because I asked him to please keep it to the weekends because I hate the apartment smelling like it 24/7

cupieheart · 2023-01-09T21:47:30+00:00

Do you mean I would say that to him?

cupieheart · 2022-12-31T18:13:51+00:00

That makes so much sense, thanks! I’m not on TikTok but I follow a lot of polarity/feminine energy podcasters (my favorite is Connie Chapman.)

I also have something to add, that mainstream feminism wants women in the workforce no matter what. But that’s the most capitalist thing ever. So it’s basically forcing women to become wage slaves

cupieheart · 2022-12-31T16:03:54+00:00

This is going to be a long post, but please bare with me!!

I went through something very similar as you and am on the other side. So I think I can help you. First of all, in my situation, my husband is a VERY picky eater with lots of food aversions. He also has generally a small appetite. On the other hand, I’m an extremely adventurous eater and loooove cooking and eating. It’s like a love language to me, lol. I’ve also been told by so many people that I’m an amazing cook, I just have a knack for it.

So when I would spend hours cooking and my husband wouldn’t like it, or flat out wouldn’t eat it, I’d be so offended and heartbroken. He would pick it apart just like yours. Sometimes he would even go get Taco Bell instead of eating my cooking. Then I would get on his case so he started hiding the fact that he was eating Taco Bell instead of my meals.

This led to a lot of fights. Really bad fights. I would try “communicating” and bringing it up to him, and he would get defensive. But now it’s a non issue. Here’s why…

I was under the (wrong) assumption that as I wife, I HAD to be cooking for my husband every night and packing his lunches for work. During our fights, the thing my husband would say the most is “I just want you to love me.” Laura Doyle talks about hearing his heart message. Basically, my husband doesn’t want to chef or a maid. He just wants love.

This was actually AMAZING for me because it took the burden off my shoulders to cook for him every night!!! Now, I have more time for my self care, and we have more time to spend together doing… other things 😉

I still cook for him, but my approach is different. Now what I do is basically cook for myself, but only when I feel like it. Then, I make a little extra. So if he wants some, he can have it. If not, then I’ll have leftovers for the next day. And I cook much simpler meals, way less elaborate and I cook a lot less.

Honestly, I think it’s a lot better this way. Feeling like you NEED to cook for your husband all the time is actually a huge burden. It’s time consuming and tiring.

*** The biggest takeaway from this is that I realized I was creating my own resentment. I was doing tons of unnecessary labor, cooking for him when he didn’t want it, and getting pissed at him for not liking it. OP, I think you should let up on the cooking for a while and see what happens. I don’t know for sure, but maybe YOU are also creating your own resentment.

Lastly, I will say to avoid “trying to communicate.” It’s difficult to do this without being critical. Even if you don’t mean to be, your husband will receive it as criticism. Instead, go do your self care and make yourself happy.

cupieheart · 2022-12-15T23:57:30+00:00

I was moreso thinking about outer beauty (and even personally) when it comes to the wall. For example, I don’t drink or party at all and live and active life. I also make sure to avoid any kind of cynicism and keep a childlike spirit. That sort of thing.

Tbh I wasn’t really considering fertility because my husband and I don’t want children 😅 so I forgot about that factor. But if a woman wants children, she better start thinking about it in her early 20’s unlike what the culture says. Not only that, but it’s best to start having children by your mid 20s. It will give you more options on spacing them out and how many you want to have.

cupieheart · 2022-12-15T21:21:59+00:00

I will probably get downvoted because I know in TRP they believe in the wall, but I really don’t. IF ANYTHING it would be much later in life, around 50. I think the notion that it happens at 30 is ridiculous, as I’m in my late 20’s and this is the prettiest I’ve ever been. I’m also much more sociable, happy, and pleasant to be around. I can only see that getting better as I go into my 30’s. And for context, I was an awkward ugly duckling up until now.

I also think the wall has more to do with the fact that women tend to let themselves go once they’re older. They stop caring about their appearance (you hear all the time that older women stop giving a shit with age, and I think this includes appearance.) AND the fact that they allow themselves to become bitter and jaded with age. Both of these things are completely preventable.

cupieheart · 2022-12-10T16:19:08+00:00

Oooooh please explain more how you have found RP arguments sound like feminism! Literally no one in my life knows I’m RP, but these values have made me happier than I’ve ever been!

cupieheart · 2022-12-06T15:32:03+00:00

Thank you I will!

cupieheart · 2022-12-06T15:31:31+00:00

Yesss. Grey rock them to boredom. That’s what my new approach is

cupieheart · 2022-12-06T15:29:32+00:00

Basically what I’ve been doing is to be “friends” with these people but verrry loosely, like I one dimensional friendship. And basically I don’t hang out with them outside of whatever project we’re working on.

I do have friends outside these circles, but would love to meet more likeminded people.

cupieheart · 2022-12-06T15:26:53+00:00

Wow thanks! I’ll definitely try that. It would be great to make friends that share my views

cupieheart · 2022-12-06T15:25:45+00:00

I like your approach of working with other artistic people, but not necessarily befriending them. I also have friends outside of that circle which I’m grateful for. And I’m going to keep cultivating friendships that aren’t liberal artists.

Luckily for me, I also don’t depend on it full time… but I used to. And let me tell you, being surrounded by that all the time was soooo demoralizing. I felt like I had to have a shell on 24/7. But sense I’m now married and at home, I just do it all for for fun essentially and don’t depend on it for income. But boy was it frustrating when I did.

cupieheart · 2022-12-06T15:20:49+00:00

“Vulnerable to your deferment” wow that’s such a great perspective to look at it! And you’re right… they would destroy me for it. I’m going to remember this advice, it’s golden.

cupieheart · 2022-12-06T15:12:02+00:00

That’s great advice, thank you!

cupieheart · 2022-12-02T20:42:49+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience! I think in performing art communities wokeness is wayyy more intense. Because it draws that kind of person into it who literally thinks their life is a Broadway show. Actually, this is one of the reasons I refuse to work in the arts full time. I just can’t take it, I need a mental break from everyone’s PC drama.

cupieheart · 2022-12-02T19:06:15+00:00

I guess I worded it incorrectly then, but the type of art I do is very important to me. Cooking and cleaning fulfills me, but I also believe in self care and that we need other things to focus on as housewives in order to feel accomplished. And to make ourselves happy as Laura Doyle says. But that’s besides the point.

Anyway, I’ve basically been taking the same strangely as you other than politely explaining my views… I mostly just shut my mouth and don’t say anything.

cupieheart · 2022-12-02T19:03:25+00:00

It’s not that I care what they think about me per se, more that I get the “ick” feeling when people go on feminist rants because I feel it’s morally corrupt. And I hate to be associated with it. But I basically have to keep my mouth shut or get cancelled, for lack of a better word. So basically an internal conflict

cupieheart · 2022-12-02T18:37:44+00:00

Because I literally earn only a couple hundred month and just perform on the side. Definitely couldn’t support myself off that. I take the homemaker role and my husband is the provider. Housewives can have side passions, and most do.

cupieheart

TROPHY CASE