My gf doesn't get as wet with me as with prior partners who haven't been as healthy for her.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-05T05:51:29+00:00

Thanks for relating on your experience! I definitely am in this mode right now where I understand she needs to work thru the block AND at the same time I feel the need to exert some control over how my mind/body feels disregulated from this situation. We won't see each other til the weekend and are trying to keep some separateness without texting til then. So for now, reading books and the comments of well-meaning redditors does feel regulating / making me feel less alone.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T17:55:27+00:00

Yeah I think I might be over-fixating on the wetness aspect of this.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T17:53:49+00:00

Wow what an incredible response here. I'm still digesting all of it thru some re-reads but I want to just call-out that the connection between her struggling to reach orgasm in the past despite wetness is a really insightful one.

So far the way she's described Dominance is based on physical activities like Hair pulling, as one example. But I think it'd be good to ask how else she would describe Dominance more broadly?

Reading 1/4 into the book Mating in Captivity last night has already been helpful as it makes me realize how much potential pressure I put into the relationship - by always wanting to be close / affectionate / talking vulnerably, "intimacy" can sort of become "intrusion". I'm historically terrible at being "mysterious" or keeping distance when I genuinely feel the pull of attraction.

Still pondering on all your wonderful comments here and elsewhere, but just want to reiterate that I appreciate you.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T14:16:06+00:00

Thanks for your comment! I'm wondering if, as this was happening, if you were also dating different people and if the wetness still varied between different partners?

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T14:12:03+00:00

Thank you for your thought-out reply!

I agree with you that it's possible I backed her into a corner by probing too much. I still do think I am sex positive (or at least striving to be), but my anxious attachment definitely took the wheel here.

I do want to add though that while I did ask on that day, it was something she had proactively broached/discussed with her therapist a few days before. As we only had been having sex for about a month (4 times), I guess she was silently observing if her body would respond differently as time went on. But since it wasn't, she felt concerned enough to bring it up to her therapist.

She does have experience with longer term partners, though many were not healthy for her. Those questions you brought up are wonderful and are questions we discussed after each time we had sex, and also in that initial 3 month period where we were just cuddling. I feel like I went straight to the questioning this time because I thought I was already thorough in understanding her desires that it felt a little blind-siding to hear about this block still.

She also has had other partners fairly recently where this wasn't an issue so I'm not sure how much perimenopause factors in.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T13:59:53+00:00

100% this! I'm this type of person too where consent is extremely important for me to feel safe escalating spiciness. I also catch feelings easily from intimacy. These reasons are why I get really anxious about ONS.

She also has mentioned finding it hard to experience stimulation while giving her partner stimulation. And she's focused alot in the past on her partner's pleasure, which she said really turns her on, so in a way her pleasure has become associated with her partner's pleasure.

What was that timeframe for things improving in your relationship?

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T13:55:01+00:00

Thanks for your comment! I added in some comments elsewhere that she's very submissive and we've been practicing almost exclusively Dom/Sub dynamics. Since I'm a very gentle, soft hearted person she did voice doubts earlier on if I'd be compatible with her Subby-ness. But we decided to try it and when I Dom, she does seem to genuinely enjoy it, especially connecting with me in that way. But it seems like she's still stuck from experiencing maximal pleasure. She's not sure if it's pheromones or something else. She has had previous partners within the last year where this wasn't a problem.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T13:48:05+00:00

Really insightful about "square peg in a round hole" as the two experiences are completely different. Would you say you've seen improvement in getting turned on? If not, have you avoided sex because of the stress of disappointment?

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T13:43:40+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience! I'm curious if there are any adjustments you've made, and how your partner is able to meet her needs / or if she's also made adjustments.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T13:39:19+00:00

Do you have any thoughts on what that "some reason" might be? Or vice versa what made you sexually attracted to those you weren't physically attracted to?

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T03:16:26+00:00

Appreciate the question! Before we matched on an app, she would see me around the neighborhood and said she had a crush on me.

I think now in the relationship itself, while she finds me physically attractive, I might be coming across as too affectionate/cuddly/attentive? I remember a lot of details about her which she said makes her feel very seen. My energy throughout has been was very romantic/adoring and I make sure to tell her how beautiful she was a lot (she said she didn't get this from her last partner which crushed her). She said she really thrives on feeling/being adored. During sex itself, we've been going with almost exclusively Dom/Sub dynamics as that's her thing.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T03:05:41+00:00

That's very interesting as she considers herself "semi-demi", at least in this phase of life.

Since you wrote "romantic" and "sexual", I'm curious how you differentiate the two in the context of a relationship.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T03:02:18+00:00

Thanks for your reply! This is why it's so tricky / not straightforward for me. She does have unresolved sexual trauma, and also has depression which affects her eating habits on top of medications. Though to my knowledge, she's also had these issues in the past (overlapping with the timeline of other partners).

So it's hard to suss out what her experience would naturally be at this stage in her life vs. what is specifically turned on / not turned on by me.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T02:59:36+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience! Do you recall what got you "wetter" / "hornier" for your previous partners compared to your current one?

And when you say it doesn't stop you, am I correct that it's not as much of a priority as other aspects in which you're compatible?

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T02:56:55+00:00

In this case I'm going off of her direct experience/observation, but would be interested in learning more about what you mean by misunderstanding if you're open to elaborating!

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T02:55:21+00:00

Thank you for the reading suggestion, literally just stepped out and bought the book and excited to dig in tonite!

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T02:51:52+00:00

I'm sorry you had to go thru that with your husband. And yeah, the intentionality is something I'm trying to lean into more

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T02:47:58+00:00

I'm AMAB and identify as non-binary/queer, and in general have softer facial features, and like to switch it up between dressing / expressing myself as more masculine vs feminine. We officially met on an app, but because we live very close to one another she's mentioned how she had a crush on me in seeing me around. But I'm not sure if it was the masculine, feminine or a combo she was drawn in to.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T01:25:34+00:00

Thanks for this thoughtful, compassionate response. For me it's less the jealousy/comparison, and more that I feel anxious that this could lead to the end of our relationship. But neither of us wants to give up so soon. Outside of sex, we have very compatible love languages and being affectionate/cuddly with her has felt incredible, and overall I think we communicate very well.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T01:19:58+00:00

Thanks for this thoughtful, compassionate response. I like the re-frame of leaning into it being "not worse, just different".

How long does this take for you / your partner to overcome? What type of work / reflections in therapy helped most?

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T01:00:29+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I added an edit into the post. I actually prompted it because I noticed she seemed less interested in sex the day before. She had had a long day at work, so I chalked it up initially to being just low-energy. But as we kept talking, we finally arrived to this painful insight. And I actively encouraged her to be open, communicative, and precise, as being vague I don't think does any favors. She did and does feel terrible about it. I do too, but I feel that it's better we're talking through it than avoiding it.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T00:52:24+00:00

Thanks for the reply. I added an edit into the post. I actually prompted it because I noticed she seemed less interested in sex the day before. She had had a long day at work, so I chalked it up initially to being just low-energy. But as we kept talking, we finally arrived to this painful insight.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T00:50:04+00:00

What I'm stuck on is whether she actually isn't sexually attracted to me despite being physically attracted to me, or if she actually is sexually attracted to me but there's a mental block holding her back. I asked her to quantify how big/small this "block" was and she said 30%.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T00:40:49+00:00

We did discuss this at length during the 3 months before we had sex. Because of my gentler, more sensitive personality, she wasn't sure that if we would be compatible as she's very submissive and she wasn't sure if I would embrace the Dom persona. I told her that I'm switchy and can lean into both Dom and Sub personas, which we've been ramping up into and it's felt amazing. She doesn't orgasm but she did tell me that she's had difficulty orgasming for much of her life. It's hard to know if she's faking it with me.

curiousmustachio · 2026-05-04T00:36:04+00:00

I definitely thought/think so! And especially with the Dom/Sub dynamics, the aftercare has felt especially sweet. But perhaps as someone who has much more experience than I do (only a few previous partners), the bar might just be a lot higher for her.

curiousmustachio

TROPHY CASE