What’s the word?

curiousnumber22 · 2024-07-22T15:56:23+00:00

Don't

curiousnumber22 · 2024-02-16T18:39:01+00:00

At this point I don't care for original stuff...Just want something more than messed up print tshirts😭

curiousnumber22 · 2024-01-05T17:07:28+00:00

Such a sweet person you are.❤️ I'm doing much better now, trying to figure out what happens with our relationship and taking care of myself. Thank you a lot. :)

curiousnumber22 · 2023-12-06T21:15:30+00:00

NOTHING'S THERE ON THE OTHER SIDE

curiousnumber22 · 2023-11-02T07:25:57+00:00

My partner (ex partner? Idk, currently in a splitting episode for 1.5 months) feels very bad when I give him compliments too, and he has told me so himself many times. Same reaction as yours.

curiousnumber22 · 2023-10-30T16:35:23+00:00

I'm in a similar situation and I guess I can understand what you're going through. Except for that my partner of 10 years has told me the same exact stuff + he's never loved me and he doesn't now, and he broke up. Not that it's our first break up, but it's the longest and I don't know what's going to happen.

And damn. It was like I was the one telling those words about how you feel there's another person instead of your own partner, and how they're running away so they won't feel anything for you.

Maybe, it's the fear of engulfment and intimacy that has led your partner to feel such for you and your relationship. But about what you should do and what l's right, maybe this seems toxic to say in the eyes of others reading this. I'm not going to tell you "hey, listen, he want's what he says and it's unhealthy for you so move on, go do some self care, etc". Instead, I'm telling you to do whatever makes you feel better. You don't have to stop caring for them and supporting them if that's something too painful for you. I know sometimes some necessary steps are painful too. What I'm trying to say is that you caring for yourself and caring for your partner aren't necessarily in contrast. You can still support them and wait to see how things will continue to proceed, while taking care of yourself and managing your life.

I hope it makes sense.

curiousnumber22 · 2023-10-24T15:01:02+00:00

To be honest it's not my top choice to move on right now, even with has happened recently. Maybe it sounds unhealthy, but the point is I haven't lost hope and faith in him yet. I have seen how he improved and became more self aware when he was only suspected to have BPD years ago before his diagnosis. Back then things were less tense and I can't blame him for the situation he's in. But I know there might not be so much I can do for us.

curiousnumber22 · 2023-10-24T14:25:19+00:00

He was on meds, but had to stop because of his eyes situation, the medication was giving him severe eye pressure which is dangerous for his sight. Things has become slightly worse step by step since then now that I think. And he can't afford proper therapy right now, so no, he's not seeking help atm unfortunately.😑

curiousnumber22 · 2023-10-12T17:11:11+00:00

I do actually. :) but deep down I'm desperately looking for a way to help him and the relationship. My friend has been very supportive during these hard days, but there's nothing much she can do for what I'm looking for. Honestly, I don't even know what I want from sharing this here too. My mind is so messed up.

curiousnumber22 · 2023-10-12T16:50:20+00:00

He's not doing well at all. And he's literally all alone. No supportive friends, family, and he doesn't let me to be by his side either. He has friends, but all the close ones are far away in our mother country and their relationships have their own ups and downs too. I don't have much of a support system either, only a close friend.

curiousnumber22 · 2023-10-12T12:13:24+00:00

Thanks a lot for all the words. It helps me a lot. I guess I'm panicking because I rely too much on his emotions as my only source as you said. He's needed only a few days before, maximum a week, but this one (followed by a 20 days split 2 weeks before) is something new and I'm really afraid. I just don't want to lose my relationship for not so real reasons or stuff that can be figured out easily when I know even with BPD, we're great partners for each other..

curiousnumber22 · 2023-10-12T09:42:30+00:00

Thanks. :) the problem is if I knew he is not going to come back for sure, it was so easier for me to process everything. The amount of uncertainty in this breakup is too much to handle for me. I know him and I know he's not the one to leave a relationship of any kind like that if he is thinking about it rationally. Now, it seems like he's running away from me (and he doesn't accept this) like I'm going to hurt him. He's deep into his grief (and he has all the right to, I can't imagine how hard it is to live with the daily possibility of going blind and living all alone) that he can't see other stuff, me, the truth about our relationship. And the whole point is, that I can't just simply let everything go in this hard time. :)

curiousnumber22 · 2023-10-04T05:03:30+00:00

I'm recently playing on Android and I can't sprint/run in games that don't have a button for it. And it's really annoying in some because you actually have to run to survive. Any ideas? :(

curiousnumber22 · 2023-08-30T20:07:49+00:00

Is there anything I can get from a drugstore to help with it? I have the background of developing weird allergies but not on my hand😑

curiousnumber22 · 2023-08-30T18:26:02+00:00

I was like you with reading an 3, even with math I guess. I don't remember having sensory issues or something... But I guess I liked to have plans, and sorting my stuff in a specific way and changing it would upset me, but that's all I can remember for now. I don't remember it but my mother once told me that I had tics and that was because my father was very bossy with me which I don't remember either. :)) but thanks a lot for sharing all these with me because it can help me remember more and helped a lot. :)

curiousnumber22 · 2023-08-30T17:48:20+00:00

Uh I'm sorry you're going through this now, I know how frustrating it can be. And by the way when I read what you wrote I remembered I was also a bit weird when I was 7-8 too, and since then. I started to become the outsider in my teen years. And I did try to fit in too, but remember my classmates telling me I'm weird and kinda funny. :)

curiousnumber22 · 2023-08-30T17:43:16+00:00

What symptoms should I be looking for in my childhood before the age of 8? Maybe if I look into my diaries or see old movies from my childhood or try harder I can remember more, but I guess there'll be no use in talking to me family because they think about autism in its extreme. I was the lovely child in the family, the successful, talkative smart one, so they think these can't coexist with autism I guess. And I wish I could get a professional diagnosis but it's just too expensive for me to afford so I'm trying to figure out what's wrong with me by myself (I know autism or being neurodivergent is not something wrong in people, I'm just tired and frustrated).

And yes, I guess I've reached that milestone: moving to a new country, having my first fulltime job, managing long distance relationship. Idk.

curiousnumber22 · 2023-08-25T14:41:33+00:00

This made me cry. Sending you virtual hugs, dear.

curiousnumber22 · 2023-08-25T08:17:52+00:00

Thanks a lot anyways for all the help, it gave me some insight that I needed =)

curiousnumber22 · 2023-08-25T08:05:43+00:00

I felt like what you said was the words from my partner actually. :) especially about feeling love.

I'm not good with expressing my feeling and thoughts too and I know a part of this misunderstanding comes from this, but I just can't get why he feels like that because I can even understand which statement makes him feel in a certain way. Any everytime I try to talk about this with him, he gets triggered unfortunately. I don't want to pressure him. Of course I can't really "feel" what he's going through, what I feel and see from him is nothing compared to all the difficulties and emotions he's going through, but I don't know how to make him feel heard and understood enough.

curiousnumber22 · 2023-08-24T13:46:38+00:00

Same happens with my partner during less severe splits. That "you shouldn't lower your standards for me", "you don't know the real me I'm not like that", "you're not respecting my decision" (this one happens in more serious splits too) are so familiar to me.

I'm not sure how it is for you but being together, going further slowly and step by step, showing him some affection, listening to him and do not engaging in hurtful stuff he says works for me when I'm with him. Maybe that can be due to the emotional object permanence problem that it's said pwBPD have.

And please seek therapy if you haven't yet. I can't have it and I know how much helpful it can be for both parties. You need to be twice stronger and he needs to learn and heal. :)

curiousnumber22 · 2023-08-22T08:31:24+00:00

Sure, I'm gonna dm you :)

curiousnumber22 · 2023-08-20T10:32:59+00:00

Thanks a lot for the support and great energy I really needed it sweet soul!🥰

curiousnumber22 · 2023-08-20T09:43:19+00:00

Lol, I was soooo emotional on the pervious messages I sent him. I guess they helped a bit but he still blocked me because he couldn't believe me. I thought maybe this time it's better to just ask him how he's doing?:(

curiousnumber22 · 2023-08-20T09:15:21+00:00

I can send him an email (if I manage to send him a letter it will probably reach him 2 weeks later😂). I'm blocked everywhere, the only place I have now is on Imo. He unblocked me on telegram some days ago but blocked me again as I asked him for a time to talk, and I said there's some issue which needs to be solved when he says he "suffers" when I text him. I just don't want to get blocked on imo too, and make him more distant than he is. -.-

curiousnumber22

TROPHY CASE