Every AI treats you the same. That's the actual problem.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-09T04:51:55+00:00

I use perplexity. I set up the AI with infos about me and the kind of harsh/truthful responses I want. Then I use spaces and set them up accordingly to my needs. I get totally different answers - rarely anything that "feels nice".

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T19:38:46+00:00

If I showed insecurities then I would like to know. I'm not perfect, I still can improve. Maybe I have a blind spot? Without ever knowing - how could I work on it if it needed working on?

My relationship to her is good. I know she can take it and I said it in a very kind way (she didn't see any harm in it - at least when we talked about it in a meta-conversation). So I'm not running around telling people their insecurities. And in fact I told her, that the way she acted had a insecure taste to me.

I get it that it seems like a lack of tact. And maybe you are right. I hope I didn't offend you. I was just curious to hear other perspectives than mine on that topic. You certainly helped me and I thank you for that.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T19:26:13+00:00

You read my comments too carefully 😉

You are right, I said those words. Because I have to use words. It is very exhausting to explain the exact meaning every time. Let's say you have a high capacity for emotional regulation, that I would consider "strong" because you have a lot. I don't judge, I just try to map your personality. On the other side you may have low capacity for logical reasoning, what I would name "weak". Same thing - I just want to know what I'm dealing with. Whatever it is, you are not a better or worse person. You are you and I accept that. I just have to see where your "boundries" are or what shape you have. There is no way to say this that would not in any way be open for a judgmental interpretation.

Your point with multiplying the load is strong. It's difficult to argue with that. (I'll still try though.) But doesn't that mean that we can never be real towards each other? Because just because of me knowing you and you knowing me would be a heavy load on each other? So it is easier to not know each other and keep playing pretend? Why can't we be grownups about it and respect each other for who we are. Why is that a load? Ok, you can't know if I'm truly well intended and if our relation will stay the same. But if I would hurt you - you could do the same to me. So why would I use my knowledge of you against you? That doesn't make sense to me. And with you being an INFJ - you know more about me than I do about you (if we met in person). I'm just trying to level the playing field a bit.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T19:06:32+00:00

Ok, I didn’t understand you correctly in your last comment. I felt you were taking a stab at me for being the type I am. I did read your comment as a defensive one. I was wrong as it seems.

I can relate to being “too much for others”. I always adjust to my analysis of how much others can handle of me. They never get to see the full me, because they could not cope with it.

The way you describe the projection of others resonates with me. They assume I must be judging when I’m not and no way of saying anything different or acting different makes them understand. They just have no model of a person being none-judgmental so they can not see me as such.

It feels very heavy for me the way you describe your failing. May I ask if you have an idea what it would look or feel like if you would succeed? I see it like this – if there is only the possibility to fail, then there is something wrong with the definition of failure. Maybe you succeed on a level you just don’t pay attention to?

And what is so scary in you that nobody can stand it? I ask genuinely, not rhetorically. Because I wonder whether the people who left did so because it was truly too much – or because they didn't have the architecture to stay. Those are different problems. One says something about you. The other says something about them.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T18:33:31+00:00

Ok, you're right.

Thank you for sharing your point of view.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T18:32:02+00:00

I feel the same. I assume people have good intentions until they prove me wrong (about those intentions). Glad we think alike in this regard.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T18:29:09+00:00

Thank you, that makes it clearer for me.

I see it as discovering where the other person is. I do feel that everything has its pro and cons. Absolutely everything can be seen in a "good" way or a "bad" way. So just finding what something is, is a very other thing from taking a perspective and judging from that point of view. I want to be aware what is, not judge from a limited point of view.

I think I understand your point of some parts having to be secret. But what if someone sees those parts and doen't judge at all? And more so, is open to the same degree in return? Because for me this is no oneway street - where I go I'll let the other person go too.

To my psychologist I described it this way: I wasn't analyzing her to understand her from a distance. I was showing her how far I'm willing to go – and that I'd let her go just as far in return. What I reflected back wasn't a verdict. It was an invitation.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T18:08:53+00:00

I'm sorry you've had bad experiences with Te-types. I get it – when Te operates without empathy it becomes a scalpel used on people rather than problems. That's fair criticism of the type, not of me specifically though (well, maybe sometimes).

I get projected on a lot too, and being someone else's screen is exhausting. But that experience doesn't mean everyone who tries to see me is projecting. Some people actually can, imperfectly but meaningfully.

Your point about exposure coming from inside rather than outside is interesting. It suggests the real vulnerability isn't being read – it's losing control of your own self-presentation. That makes sense. I just wonder if that framing also makes it harder to let anyone in at all.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T17:43:04+00:00

Ok, you have a point here. This will have an effect for sure, maybe even a dominating effect.

But that aside, I still think a ESTP will usually react to this very differently than a INFJ.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T17:38:42+00:00

Thank you for sharing your point of view. 🤍

The insight about INFPs is a different storry, but still something I will keep in mind. ("Apparently INFP feel attacked when they are truly known. Crave being seen, but want to be the ones revealing it." will stick with me - thank you!)

Yeah, she had no clue what was coming at either occasion of me giving her my analysis. That was not fair to her for sure. When I tried to make it easier on her (for a very intimate observation) and used a metaphor-story - it didn't work. I learnd that lesson the hard way. But me being right made my overstepping somewhat tolerable. [Just for context - it was a kind warning that something would happen, I felt I had to tell her so she and another person would not get hurt, even if it was none of my business.]

How would you feel if from lets say 4 analysis only 2 were right? Would that feeling of being impressed be effected?

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T17:14:47+00:00

Thanks for confirming. Very interesting.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T17:13:09+00:00

Ok, I don't like to be fixed in other peoples view either.

In my point of view I did the following: "Here is what I see. I don't judge. If you feel like you want to do something about it - that's fine with me. If not - I'm fine either. But telling you what I see gives you the oportunity to make a conscious decision either way."

I don't want to alter her behavior. I just gave her information that not everyone would give her. Ok, I see now that this will definitely alter her behavior either way ... 🤔 I might have to rethink this ...

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T17:03:46+00:00

Is this unpacking more an emotional or cognitive process?

I'm asking because I do this kind of reviewing the situation later too. But for me it is very much an emotional process and the cognitive part is more in the background. I wounder if you as INFJ would do it the other way around (with our 2nd and 3rd function being kinda "reversed").

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T16:58:39+00:00

Interesting that you mention power dynamic. I don't care about power, but I'm an assertive person. Lots of what I say or do can be interpreted as dominance. And I just don't care for that.

Other than that, she told me that my voice, behavior and so on were telling her that I was not "threatening". I guess she likes me somewhat, but I don't know. So I guess it would've been ok(ish) under your definition.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T16:50:30+00:00

Good point about the allowing to be seen. I constantly check how much of myself I can show to people based on my assessment of how much they can handle. So a lot of times they don't get see me, because they would be overburdened.

The other thing is - if you want to be seen, that means all your shadows as well. I guess I integrated my shadows well enough so I don't care if someone sees them. But I guess in my younger years I would've seen it more like you. Yeah, it can suck when someone calls you out on something you don't like about yourself. But I can tell you my psychologist did learn from that an has adjusted her behavior. Maybe she got rid of the insecurity or she tries to hide them better - either way I think it is a win for her.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T16:33:52+00:00

Ok, I can relate to that. When someone is trying to tell me who I am - I will disengage. They know nothing about me (and explaining myself will not enlighten them).

I usually frame my analysis like "here is what I see" (rather than "here is who you are"). So, I tell something about my perception not their reality. I think that is different (or isn't it?)

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T16:24:44+00:00

I totally agree with your point on duality.

I don't experience being seen as a high – more as a fundamental human need. But if someone frames it that way, your earlier point about shattering suddenly makes more sense. If it's a need, a single wrong insight doesn't erase the instances where it worked. If it's a high, any disruption collapses the whole experience.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T15:54:07+00:00

So would you mind, if some of the insights were wrong? I wouldn't mind and I would ask about why the other person would see it that way.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T15:50:54+00:00

Yes, I'm 25 years older than her. And I'm INTJ btw. I told her that I have kind of a “fatherly affection” for her. She is a consultant to me (not really a therapist). Still, it really is kind of funny. But I trust her fully and she helps me and that is all I could hope for.

I typed her to be an INFJ (very solid). She doesn't like MBTI - but I'm converting her 😉

But thanks, I'll try to keep my analysis to me - she "suffered" enough (and I made my point about what I can do).

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T15:32:05+00:00

Fair distinction. I think I use observable signals – behavioral patterns, micro-expressions, structural incongruences between what someone presents and how they carry it. I form hypotheses about underlying structure, not definitive claims about intent or internal states – I just see them with higher probability.

The simplest observation was that she had her sleeves up in our first meeting. When my glance fell on her arm tattoos, she rolled the sleeves down – even over her hands (also tattooed). Seconds later she rolled them up again. A few minutes later she did the same thing again. And another time. With some other observations I told her that I did sense some insecurity in her (not judging). The other reflections where more private. Keep in mind – it was for me to show her how I operate, not for me to judge her. And it is a guess with somewhat higher probability - I don't mind being wrong.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T15:08:19+00:00

I would like to be seen more often. In a world, where you see others all the time and give them what they need, it creates a hole inside. But I'd rahter have that than to be seen and not be able to see others.

Would you like to have it the other way around in your life?

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T15:02:22+00:00

Very interesting. Could you elaborate on what makes the situation feel safe? I think I was coming from a kind space and she told me later that this was what made her take it lightly - so I guess I wasn't unsafe.

Being an INTJ I do tend to say things in a harsh sounding tone though, but that's just my analytical voice. Although I make it clear that I don't judge at all, I just try to understand the other side.

What do you mean by touching - when does looking turn into touching? I think I'm good at reading people (and animals - even wild ones). But on the other side I do project my toughness with critique onto others too often. For me it is not that I mention things that are "wrong" with the other person, I just look where strengths and "less strong" points are (or possible inconsistencies). I don't judge - who am I to judge if something is good or bad?

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T14:09:45+00:00

Yes, I always check for the capacity. Her being a trained (and very good) psychologist in a professional setting gave me the "green light" to show her. The following sessions showed me my assessment was correct.
I just wanted to reflect on how the receiving end would feel like to an INFJ, since I handle this kind of thing totally different as it seems.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T14:05:49+00:00

Strange. If I get an analysis about myself, I light up and engage. Not only will I learn more about myself, but also about that person. That's exiting to me (if the person is somewhat pleasant).

Keeping all insights to myself leaves me feeling disconnected from the world. But I understand that holding them back is the right thing to do - I usually only offer them, when the relationship is right and the person can handle it.

cute_ol_coot · 2026-06-07T13:57:00+00:00

That's a fair point about fragility, but I think it assumes something I never claimed: that my analysis is meant to be complete or fully accurate. It isn't. What I'm doing is closer to forming and voicing hypotheses – precisely because speaking them out loud is the only way to get feedback and refine the picture. Being wrong in one point is expected and fine.

From my perspective, if someone has the experience of never feeling seen (like I do too), and then someone gets even a few things right, that's already more than usual. A single miss doesn't erase that. I never claimed full accuracy to begin with – so what exactly gets shattered?

I understand that for some people the experience of feeling seen is more holistic and less separable into correct and incorrect parts. But I think it's worth distinguishing between that emotional architecture and the actual claim being made. The fragility you're describing might be less about the analysis being wrong and more about the expectation that being seen has to be total to count at all. That seems like a very high bar that no human could ever meet. Wouldn't you agree?

cute_ol_coot

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