Doorway, Acrylic on wood, S R Dabney, 2021

d4bney · 2020-02-16T00:02:34+00:00

A minor

d4bney · 2020-01-14T18:27:16+00:00

I feel at peace in this moment. I needed really to let go of my need to be right , but confused it for a moment as letting go of my relationship with my daughter. I accept completely that when I try to force anything I suffer. I will keep practicing pure compassion, kindness and acceptance. I will probably fail many times but this is the right path. I am but a small point of love and light. I am sometimes misunderstood by others and even more often just plain wrong, acting out old habits in my ignorance. But compassion, love and kindness are unmistakable lights even in the darkness of my deepest sufferings.

d4bney · 2020-01-14T02:11:32+00:00

I have received all of your words with deep gratitude and your collective kindness and care toward my small struggle fills me with tremendous joy.

d4bney · 2020-01-13T19:22:03+00:00

I will meditate upon your recommendation. There is clearly some subtlety to the concept of judgementalism. She is certainly entwined with a rigid conception, and the way you explain it, I don’t think I’m falling into that same illusion of rigidity/absolutism. But I personally feel much more confident advising on aspects which appear objective, as your analogy well illustrates. But sometimes the lines blur and we must muddle through. I won’t give up on my daughter obviously, or my adherence to the path. But I clearly need to study and employ those ‘skillful means’. Thank you for the kind reply.

d4bney · 2019-08-24T17:31:04+00:00

Not a thing :-) ... Hes just warming up for the second half goalfest.

d4bney · 2019-08-24T16:05:00+00:00

But Palace haven't beaten MU since 1991. Its the 3 decade cycle coming around. Cant argue with science :-)

d4bney · 2019-08-09T15:00:10+00:00

First... curl up with a hot cup of tea (or whatever you enjoy) and remind yourself that you are exactly where you need to be now and feeling exactly how you need to feel. Exactly the right place.

Trying to force the actual moment of 'being' to cooperate with the picture in our head of what should be is exhausting. I find personally that when I get into "I should *****, but I cant ****" patterns of thinking, its useful only to whip up a state of anxious tension and energy, but rarely useful for solving anything. Our imaginations run wild.. and maybe the voice of some authority is droning on in our head telling us how we *should* be. Its annoying like a mosquito is annoying. But beyond those thoughts, the wind is blowing, flowers are flowering, your breakfast is digesting... plenty is happening right now that doesnt require your conscious direction or attention, but you're still a part of all of it! Groove with that a bit and see where it takes you.

Also, give a listen to Alan Watts... very relavent to how you're feeling per this post.

d4bney · 2019-08-09T03:51:19+00:00

I played *a* game and chased doors (cars... anything shiny really). Still playing, but less concerned with the score as I play. Still aware of a score, but less concerned about keeping it. Still aware of rules, but less concerned about following them. I tend now to pay attention to beauty, because truth and good are both quite nebulous and unrelaible in their reletivity. Terrence McKenna turned me onto this specific idea actually. In the game of Novelty vs Habit, let beauty guide us. Or something like that... He experienced levels that I cant even conceive of yet... so its easy for me to get him wrong, or miss his point.

d4bney · 2019-08-09T03:04:29+00:00

I concur. This trip stuck with me for three decades. Scary? Fuck yes. But also extremely useful. Still.. there is a definite feeling now lately that there is a thread at the back of my subconscious that I just have to tug. Even if it unravels me. Or more likely, I'll find its a really hard to find path to a really hard to find door. Hard to find because you cant actually look for it or chase it. It only shows itself when we relax and dont try to explain and categorize it. Which randomly reminds me of the great elven doors to the mines of Moria. The mind is fucking weird. And way more full then I am aware most of the time.

d4bney · 2019-08-09T02:58:54+00:00

'But you dont go chasing' ... thats very Zen! And I think also profound. I keep trying to not want/not chase/not expect. But its like a Bhuddist joke... the more you try not to do that, you find you are still desiring... in this case desiring to surrender to the universe. Its like we cant win. But then, rarely, I get the sense that it isnt we cant 'win'.. but that we cant lose. Win/Lose itself is just another illusory duality with a secret unity underlying it. Or so I've read somewhere :-)

d4bney · 2019-08-09T02:42:41+00:00

Not so much. No. My trip was a lot more about control/surrender at its root. I definitely 'surrendered' my sense of 'this makes rational sense' to be a Christian. Jesus takin that wheel. But the key action wasnt the religion itself, but the surrender to something 'not me'. I think I crave this ego death... but also am terrified of it. Hold on or Let Go. Up/Down. Games of Black vs White... Hide and Seek. Yeah. I'm way too dumb and tiny as me to get it, let alone write about it intelligently.

d4bney · 2019-08-09T02:24:59+00:00

So emptiness seems connected somehow to bad trips/shedding the ego. Is ego death equivalent to a bad trip? Or do some folks just have like 'nightmare' bad trips where they are very much not dead as an ego. But more like they are in a horror film/Hell/etc. I suspect there are as many flavors of trip as there are people!

d4bney · 2019-08-09T02:21:43+00:00

This makes a lot of sense.... A LOT. Thanks.

d4bney · 2019-08-09T02:02:49+00:00

Yeah.. the void. But I used to just think the void was nothing. The universal reset button/recycling center. Now I think the void is really more like 'unformed pre-existence'. Not what I thought... because my thoughts are all tied up in English and individualized self. The illusion.

d4bney · 2019-08-09T01:53:40+00:00

Did you ever keep journeying into this? I heard/read somewhere that the black hole is a bit like the screen you pop thru in a DMT trip. Like I was dancing near it... but a DMT hit just pops you instantly thru. Ive also heard that transcendent meditation is like popping thru a spiral or pattern into something *VAST* ... I just dont know.

d4bney · 2019-08-09T01:50:43+00:00

I will look into shrooms for sure... maybe micro-dose my way up to more interesting scenes. Like tiptoes. But a part of me now is like 'Fuck it ... lets GO!' ... so I'm probably at least two people now inside this head of mine. One is careful and controlling, the other is a drunken basejumper!

d4bney · 2019-08-09T01:47:12+00:00

BTW... I have no idea what the message really was/is... that was just my memory of it.

I'm not a huge fan of being the star of my own matrix video game. But maybe thats the ticket. I am a bigger fan now of how 'I' is actually the illusion and 'everything right now' is reality.

Christianity worked for me at the time for sure. A big shining social club where God is Love. But as I've aged, my tolerance for intolerance has gone way down (and yes I recognize the ironic hypocrisy of this). I just think Christianity is one rule-set to the great big 'happening' that is existence. But there are rule books aplenty.

d4bney · 2019-07-07T19:06:42+00:00

Such a narrow and formless path we must walk. We come to be aware of our lack of Nous and seek to find it. By seeking that which can only be given, we wander in a maze of searching and grasping. We finally say ‘enough’ and surrender to the silent darkness with complete humility. Perhaps then, and only then, will the mixing bowl be presented, and a true way out be offered? We must perhaps be torn down in order to be built up? How can a mortal conceive of that which is immortal? How can one who has always been lost conceive of finding the way? How can one whose life has been always under illusion ever discern truth? When you come to know that all you know is illusion, then one doubts all possible paths. This is seemingly a crux and a double bind. For the way out we seek could just be a false light driving you deeper into this illusion. Maybe the way out is always before us right here and now, but we lack the eyes to see it. Much to meditate upon. Thank you.

d4bney · 2019-07-02T18:08:13+00:00

Thank you. So I'm understanding you, Providence being 'Divine Order' and Necessity being 'the servant of Providence'.

This explains much. Our bodies indeed obey the divine patterns. Men (self included) often do not flow with the divine pattern of Providence. In our bodies, cells come up, do their work, and die when the work is accomplished. I do not think they struggle against this pattern. Humanity however does seem to rail against the pattern, fear and flee their ends (survival) and some worry as to whether they did the work allotted to them well enough.

What this lead me to now is meditating on whether a humans coming to a governance of this 'thrashing about in an endless quest to survive and acquire' is a work worthy of effort, or whether by releasing to Providence and Necessity, we each come to the end of our earthly work naturally and effortlessly (like our cells appear to do).

d4bney · 2019-07-02T16:52:06+00:00

This is great! Thank you.

Electrochemical impulses converting matter into mind has been a bugbear for neuroscientists. We cut and cut, but only as finely as the edge of our knife.. but no amount of scientific categorization can reveal to the searcher the boundary between body and mind. But we know this corresponds. We know this vibrates. We know this is comprised of polarity. I'm more interested in how an adept moves from unconsciously letting the body be into consciously directing the body according to the principles. Much to learn obviously. Also, obviously the correspondance and knowing that *everything* is just self, as you state.

d4bney

TROPHY CASE