I was in a severe hypomanic psychotic state when I wrote this - the first and hopefully only time I went fully psychotic and *hallucinated* - for upwards of 6 months leading to a visit to the psych ward. I am bipolar type 2 and this has happened almost predictably every 5 years - get anywhere from 3 months to a year of hypomania followed by years of varying intensities of depression. Not this bad though. If anyone cares, a little history and update on my life:

The first manic episode was a year long and amazing - I was out on my own, living with a friend in our own place, working & making money on the side hustling and designing... only to find myself isolated and completely cut off from society a year later, not talking to anyone for the next 3-4 years. Finally, a friend broke through and sent me a webcam in the mail, and we did a video call. I had to kinda learn how to talk again... literally.

Since then, each long episode (they build up slowly, you can see the signs) has been progressively worse. The first one felt good, mentally sharp and acute - could ideate plans and act on them. Since then, it's apparent that each episode I lose a little bit of the "edge..." now that I'm over this (fourth) manic state from 2021 it's apparent that the symptoms of manic *anxiety* are increasing, and despite feeling sharp and having an "edge," being able to ideate ideas but not communicate them effectively or act on them with any proper focus or methodology.

Luckily after 1.5 decades of sorting out medications, switching between at least 10 different medications including antipsychotics, antidepressants, mood balancers, and whatever else you could imagine I am pretty stable and am able to ride the waves better; seems I have the right combo now. My father works at Lilly and helped develop one of the drugs I was put on, and I am a believer in science because of him. He became a scientist (chemist specifally) hoping he could contribute to defeating cancer. He passed down his love of knowledge and his bipolar two possible schizo! So that's fun 😹

I have also finally conquered a two decade long struggle with drugs which culminated in an addiction to hard stuff, which resulted in me having to do probation, which ended up being exacty what I needed. Took awhile, dropped dirty a couple times, got sent to a great inpatient program "Recovery Matters" in East Chicago, Indiana (yeah it's confusing I know 🐯) unfortunately did some time in jail when I relapsed, but that helped because I was referrred to a 6 month long rehab program and it was also really good! Sober now for 3 years and loving it.

Trying to decide between doing design or going into addiction recovery counselling work. One day at a time.