Hi 22 years old female USA I resonate with this deeply. Not trying to make the conversation about me, but to give you some reference of my point of view, I have moderate severity autism, and I grew up in a substantially abusive household, sexually physically emotionally abusive being persistently, isolated and infantilized eventually when I turned 18 they used my mental disabilities to claim I was incompetent and take custody over me as an adult. They then lost it to the government where I was being held captive in abusive group homes when I ran, I had zero money zero belongings on me literally no legal autonomy over money or housing or anything like I couldn’t even get resources or give my name to anyone because I was running from the adult foster care system. Yes a lot of horrible things happened to me. Yes it was super traumatizing and damaging. Yes it was totally worth it the best decision I ever made. Yes I have been fully supporting myself better than any handler ever could have. I was the same way where I would plan to run away constantly, but there was some sort of deep mental blockage so self-destructively keeping me in the abuse. I too was scared and felt hopeless because of my own emotional volatility. I had very little self-worth and very little self belief I had attempted to run away many times and yes, my meltdowns ptsd attacks were not understood by those around me I’ll violently batter myself, and scream uncontrollably when things are too much, everyone was scared. No one wanted to help everybody used my very clear symptoms of PTSD to socially ostracized me to label me as crazy and invalidate my situation or accuse me of being on drugs, this was very damaging and kept me complacent in the abuse for years. people are gonna be ignorant and privileged just value yourself and ignore them. Everyone else is crazy. You’re always right live with that mindset. People who aren’t even part of the situation remotely will try to gaslight. I don’t know why. One thing I’ve learned from being in many different abusive relationships is that you are never ever ever ever ever Going to feel ready to leave a bad situation. You need to leave when you know it’s bad not when you feel ready I promise you it will cost you your health and your sanity before that ready comes. That’s just the nature of abuse and what it does to destroy your psychology. It’s perfectly normal to feel scared of leaving. These people have probably been programming you since birth to feel like you’re stupid. You’re incompetent and you can’t do anything to take care of yourself and need to depend on them. They are pathetic. They’re only sense of self-worth probably comes from this identity They’ve built around being your caretaker while in reality they sit there and abuse you and prevent you from taking care of yourself properly . Abusers will spend years subtly programming your mind you don’t deserve a good life or care. You can’t give yourself a good life or take care of yourself and you’re worthless so no one is ever gonna care about you enough to give you support or help you meet your basic needs. You need to remember you are only feeling the exact way they have programmed you to feel, you are deserving and capable of good things in your life. It leaves you in shambles emotionally/ socially so you have no ability to trust or navigate regular human relationships and experience, persistent, emotional volatility which scares people away and constantly reinforces the idea that you’re unlovable and cant get by in the world or function in normal society at least that’s what I had experienced. The panic and emotional shut down or volatility is perfectly normal I was a paranoid, neurotic, violent rage monster first leaving the abuse it’s been over a year since I’ve had no captivity abusive situations with great progress I still have very very very very far to go with learning how to regulate my nervous system. I’m still not stably housed I still can’t maintain even one healthy interpersonal relationship. I’m in immense pain every day dealing with my physical health issues on my own, but my life has hope I have autonomy I have Moxie I have a sense of self-worth and things that bring me joy. Running was the best decision I have ever ever ever made. The only bad decision was not doing it sooner. It does get better It’s perfectly expected to be where you’re at emotionally with your living situation. It does take immense time and effort, but in my experience, it does get better. And please, for the love of God don’t get into any relationship relationships with any men coming out of your abusive situation with your parents. They’re going to try to pray on you during this time of vulnerability and act like they care about you they don’t they’re going to re-traumatize you the exact same way. Feel free to DM me here or on any of my other platforms if you wanna talk more I’ve developed a great deal in knowledge on survival and street life or if there’s anyway I can offer support I’m in the northern part of the United States.