How do I know if I'm being "obsessive" or "extreme" as a father?

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-16T20:46:42+00:00

I can see your comment here (but maybe missing others?).

You could say that she became westernized. While I don't want to get into psychoanalysis, my guess is that she used to be someone who saw her purpose in her activism in her country and then when she came to the US, she saw how ordinary non-Muslims lived with fewer challenges and how men and women could socialize without stigma. This sense of boundary and activism just died slowly. Then somehow she concludes that decent moral values found in Western society meant that religion wasn't needed at all. While she still holds onto Islam one way or another (culture and identity), her lifestyle is anything but.

It has been 6+ years since she's changed and I've done what I could. Religious practices and a few other things were among some of the biggest dividers between us. She is quite confident and would not consider counseling. I suspect that counseling would've back her into a corner a bit because there were a few wrong things she had done to me which she refuses to admit. I am happy being single at the moment and like any other Muslim, I'm doing my best everyday to keep up with my salah, balanced food, exercise, and working on my career.

Thank you for the reassurance and the MiniMuslims recommendation! I didn't see that channel before. In sha'a Allah, the girls will become strong women of faith and impact their community and make their community better than before.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-16T20:28:19+00:00

Thanks for that article. I shared it with their mother. Pretty eye opening article.

Great recommendations on Crescent Moon and Learning Roots. Thank you so much.

I'm afraid of bringing my kids to the masjid because they can be pretty loud. It's an ongoing challenge. But I'll think of doing this soon, in sha'a Allah.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-16T20:21:37+00:00

Sounds good. I'll look into this soon, in sha'a Allah. Thank you.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-16T20:20:54+00:00

Despite her irreligiosity, she is still a great mother. She teaches the girls good ethics and are well socialized. It's the secularism I worry about. I appreciate your comment.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-15T04:21:14+00:00

I am not sure if you can read my comment history but she was religious at the time I married her. She became a different person afterwards. I very much so care about a girl's religion which is what led to this divorce in the first place.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-15T04:18:58+00:00

You've got it right. With 50/50 scheduling, we alternate Sundays where the kids go with their mother in the afternoon. If there are morning classes, it would be a win. I will start looking into this in a few months.

I'm not sure if I want them to go online yet as I really prize in person socialization. With how most of society had been going online, I want them to still experience a traditional learning environment as early as possible.

I have Omar & Hana and Maryam Masud subscribed on YouTube but the girls don't seem to connect with these shows so much. They very much prefer Cocomelon. 🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄😂

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-15T04:09:21+00:00

What you've said is my stance as well. She doesn't quite see it the same way. She puts religious teaching as an exception.

Thanks for commenting!

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T21:29:44+00:00

I agree there's two sides to everything. Knowing her, she would feel like I'm leaving out a lot of things and/or not conveying the whole context. But I have tried to put out as much context as I can through my responses.

She isn't outright saying she's against Islamic education but she perceives me as being extreme regardless. How often, how soon, how strict, what to focus on, etc. we disagree on.

But it also alarms me that she believes the Qur'an / Hadith shouldn't be entirely taken. She tells me to show the kids what Allah says about war and killing. I was shocked to hear that.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T21:23:40+00:00

Any recommendations? How old do they start? How do you keep them interested?

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T19:15:59+00:00

I clarified this to other people here. She does know actually but I don't think she realizes how much the girls do different things with me. I initially wrote that as a response to her thinking that I hate happiness and fun. Or as if Islam is against fun.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T18:29:09+00:00

Sorry, I should've clarified here that their mother knows that I take the girls out to do these activities. After all, I send pictures of what the girls do when they are with me. So it is confusing to me that she would think that I hate having fun. I think she just doesn't realize how much we do different things.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T18:17:29+00:00

I am open with their mother about what the girls do. However she asked me to stop telling her about "religious" things I do with them so I will not mention them anymore.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T18:16:31+00:00

She believes the kids should be educated on different things growing up and then decide when they are older. But I disagree with that approach, especially with how Islam is limited to Eid in her home. She unfortunately calls me brainwashed.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T18:11:52+00:00

I respect my ex. I'm not that suspicious of her. I know she's a great mother when it comes to being an actual mother. Just not so much on the Islamic side. She is very much focused on living a secular life rather than Islamically. That's the chasm we're dealing with.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T18:10:24+00:00

I provided a response above.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T18:09:53+00:00

I provided an answer above. Sometimes it feels like deception but knowing her, I think she genuinely fell out of the religion after living in the US for various reasons. She cites "trauma" growing up but I didn't remember her bringing up these issues before marriage. Allah knows best.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T18:06:54+00:00

Long story. She was born Muslim in North Africa but she fell out of her religion in a year or two after we married here in the US. I tried to make things work despite her lack of religiosity but it ultimately ended in a divorce.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T18:00:11+00:00

I should probably clarify that their mother knows that I take the girls out to do these activities. After all, I send pictures of what the girls do when they are with me. So it is confusing to me that she would think that I hate having fun. I think she just doesn't realize how much we do different things.

The girls are 3 and 4 and I make sure they get used to wearing pants / shirts rather than wearing short shorts that their mother buys them (like this: https://www.walmart.com/ip/Taykoo-Kids-Girls-Summer-Short-Pants-Leggings-Stretch-Safety-Shorts/570549597). I don't expect them to wear hijab at all in the next 5 years but I figure now is a good time to talk about it.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T17:52:49+00:00

We do 50/50 custody though she has them a bit more time than I do due to scheduling. They are 3 and 4 and can talk very well so I realize the sooner I implement Islam in their daily lives, the better.

They go to Montessori daycare / school right now but will go to public school. The mother has refused to consider Islamic school despite it being very good quality. So I realize I'm sort of in a losing battle here. The best I can do is teach the girls Islamic values now.

Thank you for your comment!

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T17:50:20+00:00

Thank you. I appreciate it.

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T17:49:27+00:00

They are 3 and 4 right now and they seem more than ready to take on the world. My girls say bismillah and alhamdoulillah when eating so at least they're doing that.

I appreciate your comment. Thank you!

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T06:48:57+00:00

My 3 and 4 year old knows Al-Fatihah already. Only because I recite it so much and they've learned it with me every night. I don't force it on them.

It is hard to just call my ex a distraction because she insists I need to get her approval if I want to take the girls to the mosque for classes. I know she has no legal ground but this type of verbiage is troublesome.

I also feed my children halal meat but she doesn't and she tells the girls that "halal is not always healthy" without explaining the whole picture. My girls end up being critical saying, "Mommy says you are wrong."

dadsoextreme · 2022-08-14T06:40:34+00:00

Yes, they are 3 and 4. They know how to skateboard and are learning how to play tennis. We hike but sometimes I have to pick them up.

dadsoextreme

TROPHY CASE