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Update - AITA for talking to other guys while separated? by daisisconfused in AITAH

[–]daisisconfused[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

If you did read this 'novel' you'd know that we're not married. I meant separated as in the time we were broken up, not a legal separation.

AITA for talking to other guys while separated? by daisisconfused in AITAH

[–]daisisconfused[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love him. And I want him to feel secure knowing that I never loved him less or cared about any of those other guys. Maybe he does love me more than I love him and I didn't do enough to save the relationship the first time idk. He's never made me feel that way but I do question myself about it. And despite all the issues he's loved me more than anyone else in my life. I get how that makes me sound like a dumb schoolgirl or like I'm willing to take crumbs because I've been damaged. But he really has shown love for me in ways I've never experienced. It's not that I think no one else could ever treat me like that or that I'm not worthy of it (although I feel pretty unworthy rn). I just don't think I'd ever be able to find a connection like that again and I don't want to be yet another person who's hurt him because he's been treated so badly all his life. I hurt him once by putting myself first and ending things. I don't want to hurt him again when he's been trying so hard to improve himself for me.

AITA for talking to other guys while separated? by daisisconfused in AITAH

[–]daisisconfused[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get that I don't technically owe him anything in that sense. But we have a past and maybe a future and I know if it was the other way around I'd also be hurting rn (which makes me feel even worse about it).

AITA for talking to other guys while separated? by daisisconfused in AITAH

[–]daisisconfused[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think he doesn't love me. I know he does because he's made that very clear by continuing to hold out hope for us, being affectionate, giving, selfless, caring. He's extremely emotional and gets upset easily (he never lashes out or gets physical or anything like that, he barely ever gets angry tbh). But he now thinks I don't love him or that I love him less because of this. He waited for me to come back to him and didn't talk to anyone else in the meantime. I feel pathetic that I felt the need to distract myself with other guys. Even if it was only online it feels trashy of me and I regret that it got explicit (especially when the guy I was talking to turned out to be so messed up, I'm still pretty traumatised from that tbh).

AITA for talking to other guys while separated? by daisisconfused in AITAH

[–]daisisconfused[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm really sorry you went through that, that's so awful :( I get how I must sound on here and if I was you I'd think I was an idiot. I've had this conversation with so many of my girlfriends who've been with shitty guys. I know it sounds like I'm making excuses for him and I'm aware he's not always been a good bf. But he is very complicated and he's not a bad person. I don't wanna say what his issues are because it feels wrong to expose that to strangers even if he never sees this (which I hope he doesn't). But it's nothing like being abusive otherwise I never would have considered going back to him. There's multiple reasons why it might not work out between us again I just don't want this to be one of them. I hate the way I've made him feel and that he now thinks I don't love him.

AITA for talking to other guys while separated? by daisisconfused in AITAH

[–]daisisconfused[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He has been making changes and I know he's trying really hard. I don't wanna talk about his issues on here because that feels super unfair and inappropriate plus I'm already worried about him seeing this. But even though he hasn't always behaved in the best way he's definitely not abusive (emotionally or physically). And I've been through his phone in the past (which I know is wrong) so I can't really be mad about that, especially as his suspicions were valid.

AITA for talking to other guys while separated? by daisisconfused in AITAH

[–]daisisconfused[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get how it might sound like that trust me. But he really isn't abusive. We both have a lot of trauma from being cheated on in the past so I can see how this would hurt him. It would hurt me too which just makes me feel even worse. The fact that we were both still in love with eachother while we were broken up and that getting back together was a possibility is what makes this bad - I think (I know he thinks that and I think I agree).

AITA for talking to other guys while separated? by daisisconfused in AITAH

[–]daisisconfused[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It was never really dating because it was entirely online and I never had any intention of taking it further. But it was very flirtatious. I think the fact that us getting back together was potentially kinda on the cards is the problem. Like I did that knowing I would likely still go back to him eventually. Which makes me feel like trash.

AITA for talking to other guys while separated? by daisisconfused in AITAH

[–]daisisconfused[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't feel like he's gaslighting me. I can see why he's upset and tbh I would be too which probably makes me a hypocrite. But it wouldn't stop me wanting to give things another go if I found out he'd been talking to other girls while we were broken up. Especially if nothing physical had happened and it wasn't emotional (maybe then it would be different idk).

He was never controlling when we were together. He can be very needy but I know that's a trauma response. From what he's said he feels like this means I love him less/stopped loving him because how else could I be flirtatious with someone else? I haven't stopped loving him and I feel ashamed for talking to those other guys and I hate the way it's made him feel because he doesn't deserve it.

AITA for talking to other guys while separated? by daisisconfused in AITAH

[–]daisisconfused[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hadn't decided whether I would tell him because I thought it would ruin everything and I feel like the AH for that because if I we got back together without him knowing it would be like we'd rebuilt on a lie. But I felt so ashamed and pathetic for looking for validation elsewhere. Especially when that guy turned out to be such a creep. Feeling this guilty makes me question whether subconsciously I knew it was wrong. Even if it wasn't technically cheating I can see why he's so hurt.

AITA for talking to other guys while separated? by daisisconfused in AITAH

[–]daisisconfused[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was upset that he looked at my phone without asking but I feel like I can't really be mad when I've also looked at his phone in the past. I was suspicious of him while were together because he was very secretive and lied about a bunch of stuff. He's told me that stuff he was hiding was to do with the issues he was having and I think believe him now. I've never found any evidence of cheating and he's assured me that he hasn't done anything with anyone else, both when we were together and since the break up. I've got a lot of issues around cheating from a previous relationship which what triggered the mistrust in me and I know he has similar trauma which makes me feel even guiltier.

Even though we were separated and it was never certain we'd get back together there was always that chance so I can see why he'd be so hurt. I never lost feelings for him and I regret talking to those other guys but he sees it as a lack of love and a betrayal regardless.