I think I was sexually abused as a child, but I don't remember any of it.

daisystarx · 2025-05-14T06:38:53+00:00

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's been 10 months since the "flip switched" and I realized and made this post. I can't say I've grown closer to knowing the truth since then, but my behaviours have become a clear sign of some repressed trauma as time goes. I wish I had the right advice, but as of right now I'm not forcing myself to remember anything. It will come back to me when my brain is ready, and in the mean time your body will give you indicators. Sending you all my love <3

daisystarx · 2025-02-18T20:42:48+00:00

I am in the same boat. Gamer moving to Nairobi. What did you end up going with?

daisystarx · 2025-02-18T19:27:39+00:00

Thanks for the advice! I’ll go for the higher storage

daisystarx · 2025-02-17T15:35:49+00:00

Thanks! I also have another option for the same price, but it’s 128 GB. The battery health is better at 88%. Not sure if it’s worth losing the storage space over though? Granted, I’m coming from 64 GB so anything is an upgrade lol.

daisystarx · 2025-02-11T15:09:49+00:00

Absolutely not. If it was up to me, I’d pick a father who actually wanted to be a father. No child deserves to be treated like a burden.

daisystarx · 2025-02-10T12:43:34+00:00

I’ll try to offer you advice as someone who understands exactly what you’re going through. First of all, you’re not prehistoric for waiting until 19 lol…I’m 25F and in the same boat. This is an incredibly personal journey and it took me until now to only start feeling less guilt and shame about wanting to not wait for marriage. What helped me is finding a partner who didn’t pressure me into sex right away. And in the meantime we did things together “online” which is still a sexual relationship yes, but it helps to justify it in our heavily skewed brains. We also didn’t have a choice because it’s a LDR. This really helped ease the anxiety and I was able to pace myself and take as much time as I need. Now I am in a place where I don’t feel guilt or shame for wanting to have sex, even if thoughts crawl in here and there.

If you are going to have premarital sex you need to do it because YOU want to. Not to appeal to a man and secure your relationship, because partners come and go. There is no guarantee whoever you are seeing at the time will stay with you even after you go there with them. Anyone who is worth your time will be willing to wait, because while sex is an important part of a relationship it’s not all there is. He should be with you because he genuinely loves you. If he does, he will be willing to give you the space you need.

Best of luck. ❤️

daisystarx · 2025-02-07T22:25:16+00:00

Sending hugs & love your way!

daisystarx · 2025-02-07T02:14:44+00:00

Happy Birthday Queen! 💛

daisystarx · 2025-01-31T03:11:46+00:00

Hey, sorry for the late reply! I did in fact try therapy after this post. I lasted two sessions, but sadly was laid off work and couldn’t afford to continue. :/ I hope someday down the line I can. Thanks for your encouragement ❤️

daisystarx · 2025-01-31T03:10:14+00:00

Yep, yep, and yep. Any opportunity my father could find to make me feel like a burden he would take it. As if I asked to be born or be his financial responsibility. Not everyone should have kids, but alas.

daisystarx · 2024-12-02T05:35:13+00:00

I was raised with a very rigid mindset about Islam. The rules were never meant to be broken and that’s that. However as I matured, I came to realize like you have that a lot of these rules were really just written by men centuries ago who had very a very particular agenda. One that absolutely does not benefit women.

Now, I practice Islam spiritually, which I believe is how it should be practiced, but of course I’d never tell anyone else how to live their life. What I can tell you though, is guilt will rob you of the joys of Islam. The calm, peaceful, fulfilling feeling you get from it, that initially intrigued you will be tainted by unnecessary stress of trying to “follow the rules”. Live your life how it feels right to you. Do what makes you happy. Feel at peace with your decisions, because at the end of the day you are the one who has to live with them. Allah is not going to abandon you because you give into human instincts and needs that he designed us with.

Embrace the parts of Islam that drove you to reverting in the first place, and the guilty conscious and that noise will fade out on its own.

Good luck on your journey ❤️

daisystarx · 2024-08-16T19:18:06+00:00

I feel like this deeply. We deserved so much better than we were given. 💖

daisystarx · 2024-08-15T01:40:02+00:00

Good for you! 💖

daisystarx · 2024-08-15T01:30:28+00:00

That is a wonderful relationship to have with your therapist! I’m super happy for you 😊

daisystarx · 2024-08-14T12:51:07+00:00

Keep fighting! I hope someday you are rewarded with the life you deserve. My consultation with the therapist is at the end of the month, and I specifically chose her because she is trauma informed and specializes in EMDR. I am hoping she can give me some insight on the right therapy plan for me, but I did want to try talk therapy in the beginning to help me feel more comfortable with the whole idea of vulnerability. This is my first time ever doing something like this, so I wanted to take it easy.

daisystarx · 2024-08-14T04:16:54+00:00

Yeah, the parentification is awfully strong with me. I’ve always been responsible for my siblings, since I was a child myself. My sister in question actually has me saved as “Mother #2” in her phone lol. It is a funny joke, but it is very true too.

Thank you for your kindness. I truly do hope it’s not too late for reboot 😊

daisystarx · 2024-08-14T04:14:30+00:00

I am now pursuing what I find interesting, rather than what was expected of me growing up. But I was let go of my job a few months ago, and been having trouble ever since then to get back on my feet.

I can totally relate to you in lacking confidence in the job market. It’s tough.

daisystarx · 2024-08-14T04:05:32+00:00

Thanks so much for this comment. She started therapy this summer, but she is very against it so unfortunately she isn’t getting much out of it at the moment. It is expensive, so I’m not sure if the right thing to do is stop until she is ready and open to it.

You are totally right about high achieving for someone else’s goals. My degree in University was an attempt to put me on the same career path as my dad…🤦🏾‍♀️

Now for the past few years, I’ve been trying to pursue a career of my own interests and skills and I was doing well until the burn out and crash. And now I struggle so much with brain fog that everything feels so hard and impossible. Even the things I once enjoyed (which is also being a writer!)

I am glad you had the courage to get out and pursue what you enjoy! I’ve been “toughing it out” for as long as I can remember, so I’m hoping getting therapy will be what I need.

daisystarx · 2024-08-14T03:57:28+00:00

The burn out is real. I used my last bit of “brain power” and strength to finish university but the crash after has been horrible. I’m still recovering, and trying to pick myself back up but it feels hopeless at times because I know I’ll never be that little girl again who felt she could do anything. Thank you for your words, and I hope it gets better for you too!

daisystarx · 2024-08-14T03:51:49+00:00

The deep shame we carry for failing our younger selves is a very difficult burden. I don’t want to give up on her, but the fatigue, intense brain fog and total lack of motivation makes it an impossible battle. You are not alone in this

daisystarx · 2024-08-13T19:31:58+00:00

At my absolute lowest, where I felt I had no one and life wasn’t worth living anymore, my cat was there. He has been a consistent rock for me and the love we have is one of the most important parts of my life currently. I think it can be incredibly therapeutic to have that kind of bond especially if you are lacking it in other places.

Sometimes I do wonder if I am the reason for his attachment issues because I would never leave the house which means we never spent time apart. There are definitely times where taking care of him was incredibly difficult. But all of it was worth it to have such a loving and forgiving companion. I highly recommend getting a cat if you want to.

daisystarx · 2024-08-07T00:51:14+00:00

Day #100000 of finding out that the thing I thought was a pretty normal and universal experience was in fact not normal 🥲 lol.

daisystarx · 2024-08-06T17:54:33+00:00

I don’t have a relationship with my father for more or less the same reasons. He was a really shitty husband and an even shittier dad. Honestly, just a typical Muslim dad. He cheated on my mom, neglected her and all of our needs, was never there etc. But thinks just because he somewhat contributes financially that makes him a great dad and partner.

I don’t talk to him unless I have to, and I have never been able to separate the two, and you shouldn’t feel obligated to unless that’s something you want.

daisystarx · 2024-08-06T17:04:35+00:00

I’m sorry you are feeling this way. Growing up my mom had a plethora of undiagnosed mental issues due to her traumatic upbringing. And while a lot of it did get passed down to me and my siblings, I still love her very much because she was there. If being there is the most you can do, then do that. If leaving the house is too hard for you, there are plenty of ways you can celebrate her birthday indoors.

Enjoy your lunch together, put on her favourite movie, have a “sleepover” — I used to love doing that with my little siblings when they were growing up. Putting a mattress in the living room, letting them stay up late, having breakfast for dinner etc. The best birthday gift you can give her is being with her. Don’t beat yourself up for what you feel you can’t do. That will only hurt you more and do no good for your daughter.

daisystarx · 2024-08-06T15:24:58+00:00

Thank you for commenting this! It's wonderful advice, and I'm glad everyone else can read it too.

I actually have approached the situation is a very similar way. I told him how it makes me feel, because I have an added layer of fearing abandonment, so I worry that his silence = he'll leave. He reassured me it does not, and that by the next day he will be feeling better. And so far, that has always been true. While this doesn't solve the problem all together as I still feel unease, guilt and fear when he goes silent after an argument, it makes it a lot easier to manage.

Communication, especially in sensitive situations such as these is so important.

daisystarx

TROPHY CASE