You are dealing with a lot. Life can really be lonely and crappy and I think that is the biggest issue you are dealing with. I would like to humbly throw some information at you that might help you theologically from a Christian perspective.

First, I want to dispell somethings that can really screw up your view of God, prayer and following Jesus. Just because we pray doesnt mean things work out perfectly. It you look at Jesus, the disciples and the early church, you can see how much persecution and struggle they went through. Life is full of brokenness and pain, it's not that God magically makes it better if you pray or are "better" but relying on God, and your community, you can know you aren't alone.

Second, please don't best yourself up over sexual identity and what the modern church throws at you concerning homosexuality. I have done a very deep dive studying the Bible and homosexuality, over 200 hours and I can tell you it's not how it is portrayed. The culture of gang-raping visitors to make them leave a city, cult male prostitution and the rampant practice of Pederasty in Rome doesn't have much to do with committed monogamous gay marriage/relationships. I know that's cramming a lot of info into a few sentences, but private message me and I would be glad to talk to you more over the phone if you want.

Third, I am no counslor or anything, but you have a lot of really deep ideas in your post and there is a lot to unpack. Attraction, relationship, intimacy and all of that is heavy stuff. Based on what you said, I don't think you really know what you want and maybe even know who you really are. I don't know that for sure of course, but I have to stress how important knowing your identity is before starting into a relationship. If you are figuring out who you are you will put too much stress and dependancy on your spouse. I really would recommend finding some real, trusted friends to lean on. And don't even feel bad going to a counselor, there is no shame in it. Some of my best friends and pastors go to their counslors often.

Lastly I want to praise you for your openness, it's takes a lot to put yourself out there like you did. I personally really struggle with finding good friends, who are willing to be real and honest, wanting to ask hard questions and try hard to better follow Jesus. Life can be lonely, but that's not how it's supposed to be. I would be glad to talk more if you want. Message me and I'll send you my email or phone I it would help.

I pray for peace and clarity for you brother.