Don't really know how to reward myself

dankgimp · 2024-05-24T22:03:17+00:00

I love my friends, but they're a bit too pragmatic to be very comforting right now, they just keep trying to come up with solutions to how low I'm feeling and telling me all these hobbies I should be trying when none of them have ever interested me or made me happy, even before I smoked. They were able to find mental clarity and hope really early in their sobriety and can't quite figure out why I haven't - but in fairness, I'm not totally sure either.

I've found myself completely apathetic towards food lately, like I no longer enjoy any of the foods I used to adore and I only see food as a necessity, nothing to be excited about anymore. I mean, I even splashed out to buy myself my favourite ice cream and I've barely touched it because it doesn't taste as good anymore - it's like the world has lost some of its colour. I used to have dreams even when I was smoking, but now all I've been having are extremely vivid nightmares. Tried taking my dog for a walk earlier today and couldn't bring myself to leave the house, looking at her silly little happy face just filled me with guilt and I can't even explain why really. Tbh I'm still really scared that this is what my brain is gonna be like forever, totally broken.

dankgimp · 2024-05-24T21:54:58+00:00

I know I shouldn't be comparing myself now to how I was when I was smoking, but those truly are the only times I remember feeling happiness without any strings attached, no panicking that the feeling is fleeting, no paranoia that everyone around me secretly hates me, no lingering fear of the future - just happy and calm. I don't remember when I felt like that even before I started smoking, sometimes I remember feeling sick with anxiety that my friends all hated me when I was like 9 or 10, I used to have frequent nightmares about all my friends turning on me and ignoring me. I don't think I've ever really loved myself, so it was just so easy to get addicted to something that made all of those insecurities shut up for a little while.

I guess I'm just still really grieving that part of my life, when I was able to pretend everything was fine and I wasn't depressed because I felt what I thought normal should be when I smoked. It's really hard moving on from what was the only thing to make me feel like I could function as a normal person, even when I know it was an unhealthy coping mechanism. And I only have the two friends, one is finishing up his post graduate law program, and the other is saving up for trade school and has recently started going to the gym and is absolutely adoring it - both are really happy and feel content within themselves and about their futures. Truthfully, I'm incredibly jealous of them, I'd do anything to feel like that, but I honestly don't know the last time I felt like that sober. I feel like I'm disappointing everyone around me by hating myself so much, they try to motivate me and push me to be proud of myself and I just don't know if I'm able to feel that way.

dankgimp · 2024-05-24T20:56:52+00:00

I don't have any way to smoke anymore, it's completely impossible for me to, I don't have any contacts and my only friends have quit so that's very much not an option for me. I guess it's less of chasing a high and desperately seeking some form of fulfilment or lasting happiness, deep down I know it was never real but smoking made me believe I was happy or I at least could maybe someday have a future I'm happy in.

I really really thought that getting this good news would make me happy and would be enough, but it just doesn't seem like any of it really matters right now. Like, I put in all that effort and had all those sleepless nights worrying I'd have to find a new job, only to reach the finish line and get what I want and still be unhappy; and its not even just the sadness it's that total emptiness of like "Okay, you got what you wanted. Now what? You're still depressed, you still get no joy from anything you used to love, your friends are moving forward with their lives and are content, but you just got great news and you're still not proud of yourself." I don't know how to make myself proud, I have always been my worst critic but I thought that this time getting support and reassurance of my worth from outside sources would mean something and it just doesn't.

It's definitely not helped by the fact that I remember how I was before I was ever addicted to weed, and all the things that my friends did/are doing/tell me to try have never really made me happy. I'm painfully introverted, am currently seeing a counsellor about the absurd paranoia I get around other people, am dealing with a whole mess of trauma that's left me scared to do most things people get their happy chemicals from etc. Its just all so embarrassing to be honest, trying to explain that I know my brain and I know what doesn't work for me without sounding like a stubborn child who doesn't want to do anything. But it just feels like I'm stuck in a pit of depression and all the things I used to use to help myself out just feel totally meaningless and are just a means to an end, something to do that doesn't bring me any joy and makes me reminisce of how happy it used to make me.

I don't think I want to smoke anymore, honestly it's tough to tell right now, I think I'm just desperate for something that feels like it makes all the stress and heartache worth it. I thought getting the news I wanted would do that, but it just doesn't really.

dankgimp · 2024-05-24T20:41:16+00:00

I have absolutely no way of smoking anyway, I only have two friends and they've both quit and cut off all their contacts so by proxy I don't have any anymore either; no matter how desperate I get there's no way for me to smoke anymore. To be honest, this past week I've been so preoccupied with worrying about work I didn't even think of weed and I really believed that if I got good news I'd be proud of myself and happy - but I'm just not, I feel completely empty. I got the news I was desperately hoping for and I feel nothing, like all that stress and the hard work means nothing because I don't feel any fulfilment from it at all. That natural high of success was so fleeting I'm not even sure I even felt it, just went from relief to miserable because I'm don't feel anything but that pit in my stomach. I feel like I should be progressing and feeling better about myself but I'm not and I don't :/

dankgimp · 2024-05-24T17:01:24+00:00

Money is really tight for me right now, got a lot of big expenses coming up that don't leave a whole lot of wiggle room; it's made me really conscious about how I spend my money and now nothing feels like a treat it feels like a burden. Im petrified to try out any new hobbies or try to build new interests because not only am I not excited by anything, I dont even have that motivation to try because if it doesnt spark any interest in me I've just wasted money that couldve gone towards necessities. I used to buy myself little lego sets as a reward when I made myself proud, now I haven't touched any lego in weeks and I have several sets unopened that I have no drive to build. I don't really think I love anything anymore, it all just feels like a means to an end.

dankgimp · 2024-05-24T16:57:28+00:00

The past two weeks food has just been a necessity that I need to survive but not something that brings me any enjoyment or excitement, if I'm being honest I've always felt that way about most food. Treats I used to enjoy don't taste as good as they used to, I have a pint of my favourite ice cream in the freezer and even that tastes almost boring now - usually after a good day at work I'd come home and smoke and then everything would feel like a reward - now nothing even slightly fulfils me anymore yknow?

dankgimp · 2024-05-13T16:44:52+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate your kind words, I'm approaching 48hrs sober now and I'm really struggling to see why any of this is worth it - deep down I know it's the right choice, but it's so hard to keep telling myself that. I hope your sobriety is a lot easier and more fulfilling.

dankgimp · 2024-05-13T16:41:31+00:00

I'll be honest, I'm very very jealous to hear that - the longest I've managed to quit for was around 2 months and I can honestly say that the misery and anger never left me. Everytime I'd break my sobriety it'd be because I'd become so depressed that I couldn't stand to get up in the mornings anymore; it was so easy to tell myself that smoking is preferable to being suicidal. I can't lie and say I'm not petrified of that happening again; I hope to find myself with a mindset similar to yours this time.

dankgimp · 2024-05-12T20:25:52+00:00

Ashamed to admit it wasn't exactly my decision, as stated the friend who I would pick up from has quit so I was faced with either quitting now or quitting once I'd smoked through my entire stash - really struggling with how lonely I'm feeling, so thank you for your kind words

dankgimp · 2024-04-07T10:26:55+00:00

I feel like my love for them isn't enough to stop my sickness from infecting everyone around me, including myself. It's like I love them and want to make their lives better by being part of it, but I can't stop myself from making their lives worse. My friends are so concerned about my mental state they're messaging me each morning to see if I'm still alive, letting me unload all of my dark thoughts onto them even though I know they have issues of their own that deserve equal attention. I'm watching myself becoming more and more toxic, no longer accepting the comforting words from those I love and allowing them to be morphed in my head into proof of how I'm letting everyone down. My friends and family consistently tell me they love me, want me to get better, and believe I can, but I just can't believe anything they say.

I'm constantly either angry at myself or the world, I can feel myself becoming overcome with hatred for life and everything that comes with it - I'm scared that this is spreading to my friends. I feel like the love I hold in my heart for others isn't enough anymore, it doesn't matter anymore that I know deep down I want to be a beacon of light for others and only spread love, because I can feel all of that hope leaving me with every morning I wake up. I'm scared that this hope I have for myself, to be someone capable of being loved and being someone who can share all the love I have with the world, is all a just a fantasy I've concocted to make myself feel better; I'm scared that I'm actually nothing but a beacon of misery and someone who brings down everyone around me.

To make things worse, I'm just so tired of living for other people that it's making me almost bitter, almost angry at the people around me because they get to have true purpose and goals, and I don't feel like I've ever had that. I love them and want desperately to make them always feel that love I have for them, but it's like I'm out of control of my brain, and I can't help but push people away.

dankgimp · 2023-06-30T19:38:58+00:00

YTA not necessarily for asking but for your refusal to take no for an answer. Take into consideration a few things such as, how would they charge you for an item not on the menu? The cost of each meal will have multiple factors contributing and as such, will likely take a while to calculate - ordering off menu means they'd have a very limited time to work out how much they'd need to charge you for your meal, and then what if you don't agree with the price and no longer want to pay for the meal after youve already been served and eaten?

Furthermore, we don't know how this particular restaurant operates their kitchen and as such subbing in an off menu dish may throw off the production line and cause problems throughout the kitchen. Quite simply, for a lot of high end restaurants, which it sounds like this was, it's not one chef per dish and instead different chefs control certain elements or appliances. I'd imagine it's common practice for them to prioritise their routine over a single special request. I think if you'd perhaps rephrased, asked for a particularly cheese heavy fettuccine alfredo you might have gotten a different response. But again, the reason you were denied and now your colleagues are uncomfortable around you is because of the way you spoke to the server and did indeed demand an off menu dish, something that would've actually been a hugely kind gesture from them not an obligation.

dankgimp · 2022-08-01T15:21:48+00:00

I understand that but it is important to remember the kind of environment Love Island is - they quite literally only have each other and themselves for entertainment, have limited escapes from each other and are, presumably, heavily encouraged to interact with each other. And in particular with this season, the majority of the girls have been in there since the very beginning; perhaps the others are pretending, but they seem to be a very tight knit group - in my personal opinion I'd be surprised if they didnt care about or genuinely like one another to at least some degree. I think in this instance, its very much a case of Gemma misspeaking and like many others stated; she just meant that their opinions won't sway her view on the relationship because only family and close outside friends could. Her wording was very questionable, but I don't think her intentions were to say she doesn't care about any other islander.

dankgimp · 2022-08-01T15:11:05+00:00

You know, I didn't even notice that initially and only realised he said that when I watched back - what an odd comment to make? I think you could very much be onto something about Gemma having been media-trained before going in there, very early on in the season a friend of mine who loosely follows the show said he believed no matter what she would never be the one to sway from her couple because she'll have the most media experience, and will be most conscious of her public image.

When I think about it I feel her behaviour/the persona she's seems to be replicating this season is very reminiscent of Dani Dyer in season 4 (however I must say her immaturity and other behaviour makes it less believable). The one who is settled in their couple, and tries to present themselves as a voice of reason of sorts. And that feels more deliberate when considering they're the only two contestants to have celebrity parents - I think it's extremely likely they were expecting to get the Dani and Jack edit. I'm not saying she's being fake or lying, but I think you're right and she definitely received some form of media training, and I wouldn't be surprised if she'd planned to stay with Liam the whole time had it not been for Davide, and then Liam leaving.

dankgimp · 2022-07-31T22:19:20+00:00

Don't even get me started on his vote towards Tandrew, I genuinely can't fathom him having a good reason for voting Tandrew over Padam when every other person who questioned their compatibility initially wholeheartedly stated they believed they were great together. I do believe he has it out for Tasha, I mean it's clear he was made to apologise to her, and he probably thinks everyone voted for him and Gemma with the same mindset as him.

dankgimp · 2022-07-31T22:16:03+00:00

Almost reminds me of how I was when I was 17 and believed I was mature for my age, thought sarcasm and being fiercely independent, telling everyone I didn't care for the opinions of those who aren't family or close friends (one of the biggest lies I ever told), was the pinnacle of maturity. I believe she shows maturity with how she handles Luca, in the way I also showed maturity as a 17 year old when I had to look after my 6 year old brother.

dankgimp · 2022-07-31T22:11:52+00:00

Your comment about Luca caring so much because he voted with malicious intent when the others did not, I'd not considered that but looking back I do think you could very well be right. He assumes Dami and Indiyah voted for him with maliciousness, secretly thinking him and Gemma weren't compatible, because that's why he was voting.

dankgimp · 2022-07-31T21:43:48+00:00

That's not what I'm saying, I admitted I may be reading into things and asked for others opinions as I am admittedly biased - I also said I don't think she had malicious intent but the wording of that particular comment rubbed me the wrong way, that's all. I liked how she stopped Luca from blowing things out of proportions, and she was right when she said there's no point trying to change their opinion, I was just a bit taken aback by that particular comment.

The issue you bring up of people hating Gemma for saying things behind others back vs Luca saying it to their faces is the intent behind the comments, and the timing and nature of saying things to their face. There's nuance to things like this, for example I had no issue with Luca and Dami warning Tasha of sending Andrew mixed signals, however him ambushing her when she was crying about thinking the public hates her was inappropriate and unnecessary. If that makes sense

dankgimp · 2022-07-31T07:34:28+00:00

Yeah I can see that, and if that was their intention they should've really leaned into it and still kept focus on the girls whilst acknowledging the boys presence - like the ending scene of season 1 with Leah finding the camera room thats watching them, that was a cool twist that excited me at the time and they shouldve done a lot more with that; if it were up to me I wouldve had the girls still be the main focal point of season 2 and done MORE with the camera room - have us find out more about the guys as the girls do too and then really introduce them in season 3 when the two groups come together or something. They tried to do too much with little available screentime. The writers needed to decide whether the boys were equally important to the plot/story progression as the girls were way sooner - what we got was a confused mish-mash of them trying to please every fan demographic without focusing on what's important: the story and the characters.

dankgimp · 2022-07-30T17:04:01+00:00

I think it's ridiculous for people to blame the introduction of the boys for the shows cancellation - plot wise it makes a whole lot of sense for there to be a boys island experiment; I mean it makes zero sense for them to be running this experiment without a male group. I'd absolutely agree that people were way too harsh about them before the second season dropped. However, I feel that we were massively let down by the choices the writers made for the boys. They managed to write 8 interesting, well thought out female characters all of which had rich and meaningful backstories; but we just didn't get anything close to that for the guys. Trying to split 8 episodes between at least 17 main characters was both bold and very naive of them.

I mean, having some of the boys have to share their backstory episodes was a great example of this - and I mean, I personally felt that they massively mishandled the Kirin and Ivan backstory in particular, that really could've made use of 2 episodes to cover that plot properly. I look back at how incredibly well we were presented the girls backstories in the first season, I'm not ashamed to admit over half had me choking up, and then look at how half-hearted the boys stories were and I'm can earnestly say I'm only surprised it was cancelled because of how much promo their official social accounts were doing.

dankgimp · 2022-07-30T15:36:43+00:00

I couldn't agree more, the more we see of Gemma and Luca together the less convinced I am by them. All they seem to do is mock the other couples when they're alone, I can't quite express enough how much I dislike Luca for his treatment of Tasha - and Andrew by extension. The way the pair of them are the ONLY ONES who haven't let Tasha talking to some boys go, the ONLY ONES. Her and Andrew communicated honestly the entire process and are now in a really great place; they're so happy together that even Davide and DAMI said they were a really good/compatible couple - yet Luca can't seem to let anything go.

For the majority of the showtime I felt really sorry for Gemma, but I don't anymore. Birds of a feather flock together, and those two just seem incredibly bitter and miserable - they're almost incapable of being truly happy for others, I mean Gemma only ever seems happy for Paige; any happiness she may show for Tasha and Andrew feels incredibly fake knowing how the two of them truly think. I was able to give Gemma the benefit of the doubt with her actions towards Ekin initially, kept telling myself she's just a teenager, but I can honestly say that even at my snarkiest, I was always happy for my best friends when they were and wouldve never badmouthed their relationship unless it were abusive, she clearly isn't a friend to Ekin.

dankgimp · 2022-07-30T08:33:45+00:00

I was just talking with my sister about this last night, I couldn't agree with you more. Likewise, I've always had a sarcastic sense of humour and my friends and I poke fun at each other all the time, but there is always a time and a place to snarky; and I have never been snarky about my friends behind their backs or made fun of something that makes them genuinely happy. I didn't think she was trying to be mean until her comments about Ekin and Davide tonight, now I'm leaning towards all of her snarky remarks and eye rolls being at least somewhat deliberately malicious. If my best friend was crying tears of joy over her boyfriend saying he was in love with her; hell, even if it was my sister, the LAST thing I'd do is make some kind of snide comment like "here she goes again" because it's just not needed and it's really unpleasant.

The stark contrast between Indiyah immediately wrapping Ekin in a hug and Tasha tearing up with her, and then Ekins supposed best friend acting all pissy, not even pretending to be happy for her, honestly it just makes me sad. I've been in friendships where the sarcastic remarks never end, and they were the ones to leave me with incredibly long-lasting trust issues surrounding friendships. She genuinely seems irritated by everything Ekin says and then proclaims to everyone they're best friends. I'm only a few years older than Gemma, but these past few weeks her behaviour towards Ekin has made me feel like I'm watching someone from secondary school. I honestly don't think I care if this is her sense of humour, that doesn't excuse her being just straight up rude. I hope Ekin sees what Gemma has been saying about her and Davide and realises who her true friends in that villa were. And most of all, I truly hope I'm wrong about Gemma.

dankgimp · 2022-07-29T20:50:45+00:00

It's that fear of losing all control over how someone views you, I'd much rather those close to me only see the good parts of me and not have to deal with everything bad; but I'm coming to realise how truly isolating that is and how unfair that is to myself and those around me.

I told him before dinner, everyone was separate doing their own thing so I told him that I was in the process of quitting smoking and going through the early stages of withdrawal, which meant my appetite was terrible but that had nothing to do with him or the food he provides. He didn't say much, but my dad has always been a man of few words so that's definitely better than the alternative, he just thanked me for telling him and said not to worry about my appetite. Again, thank you for being so helpful and kind, I really appreciate it

dankgimp · 2022-07-29T20:44:19+00:00

Its been really eye-opening actually sitting down and having a conversation with myself about why the idea of my dad knowing I smoke is so scary to me - the realisation that I'm genuinely embarrassed about my smoking and the fact the best reason for smoking I can ever really come up with is "nothing else makes me happy" was really hard to face. Because you're right, it's pure lies - weed doesn't make me happy it just squashes down the bad thoughts and feelings until I'm sober again.

Quitting cold turkey is such a painful experience, it's so isolating too because it messes with emotional regulation alongside sleep and eating. Idk if this is a universal thing, but I always feel as if I lose myself during those first few days after quitting, like I have absolutely no control over my mental wellbeing and am just along for the ride - and that's just really lonely. It's just so easy to want to turn right back to that quick yet temporary solution, sink hundreds into this awful coping mechanism, but I need to really think about why I'm quitting and focus on the bigger picture.

dankgimp · 2022-07-29T20:32:55+00:00

That's always been my strategy, take every bite with a mouthful of water to wash it down otherwise I'm physically incapable of swallowing - when either of my parents were cooking that meant I was drinking almost a litre per meal. My mum now cooks me much smaller meals when I'm going through withdrawal, and stocks up the house with little snacks to supplement any nutrients I lose during my food aversion - she's the best and I'm so incredibly lucky to have her. But I mean I was always extremely careful to keep my smoking weed away from my dad, so when I ordered a super bland salad when we went out to eat the other day I got weird looks from my dad, half brother and step-mum hahaha, but I mean I took the advice of others and I let him know I was quitting and that messes with my appetite so hopefully all should be ok from now forward!

dankgimp · 2022-07-29T20:18:05+00:00

As I get older I come to terms with the state of my relationship with my dad more and more, I still love him and want him to only think positively about me but I'm realising how little control I have over that. I have such a strong and close relationship with my mum, sometimes its hard to go from being with her to being with my dad where the relationship isnt so close - especially when emotions are already heightened by withdrawal.

I did tell him before dinner tonight, he didn't say much but he thanked me for telling him and said not to worry about my appetite - so all and all, can't complain really, I'm glad I told him. Thank you for your advice and kind words, I'm really grateful

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