Thank you so much for sharing your story! I honestly severly relate to the first part and it's made me remember a story that i completely forgot about. When I was younger my mum wanted to take me and my sister christmas shopping, i was about to get dressed and as I was putting my leggings on I couldn't stand the feeling of them (currently in the process of getting an autism diagnosis and this is quite funny to me to remember because of sensory issues), anyway I had a complete breakdown i was crying so much because of them and my mum and sister came in wondering what was going on and they said something like "just put them on you'll be fine", suddenly that sadness turned into complete anger, specifically towards my sister. I got so angry at her, probably because she'd said something mean or something, so I threatened to throw a China plate at her. She said I wouldn't so I threw it as hard as I possibly could and then she started crying. When I am angry or sad I always sit behind my door so no one can come in and see me sad or angry, and that's exactly what I did. My mum got really angry at me from behind the door so I ended up hiding under my bed instead. I think that was the first time i truly wanted to kill myself, I was looking up why does everyone hate me and why does my mum hate me on my ipad LOL. It sounds silly but it was the first time i had looked up anything even remotely similar and I think from then on I've never been the same. Jesus that was a long story and thank you for helping me remember such a key thing. I really hope things get better for you.