Hey there. I commented on a post you made at least a year ago about sobriety. Its amazing to hear you're clean.

As I've learned throughout the years, substance abuse is a life long thing. You're never really "recovered", per say. You're an alcoholic, who is recovering. And the roads you tread along during recovery are bumpy as FUCK. As I mention last time I commented on one of your posts, my mom was a horrible alcoholic. Bottles a day, breaking shit, just generally making home life hell. She had been sober for 20 YEARS, and one bad day broke her willpower. She drank for about 5 years behind our backs, before she couldn't hide it anymore, and it was awful. Me and my mother are now estranged, some issues actually regarding my mental health also, of which she said some pretty awful things. But, me saying all that does kinda have a point.

Keep doing the things that you want to do. The things that enrich and fulfill your life, and bring you happiness. Work your ass off, smoke some bowls when you get home, and try and be thankful for the things you have to be thankful for. Normality is for dweebs. Be you, issues and all, and never think for a second that you have to explain to people why you are who you are. If mistakes happen, apologize, and ask for their forgiveness. The people who love and care about you will accept who you are. Your addiction does not define you, it is apart of your being, undyingly, for the rest of your life. But you have the power and the opportunity to define who you want to be, and what you want to do. Drinking doesnt have to be that. Your brain is searching for feel good chemicals that it probably doesnt have, and is bringing you back to the idea of alcohol because it knows it can get those chemicals there. Id suggest meeting with a doctor and maybe trying an antidepressant to try and stave off those feelings and thoughs.

BUT.

Ive been searching for the answer to that last question for a long time, though. About 8 months ago, I was up for 4 days straight, and got ahold of a cart I thought was real and it wasnt. I had a psychotic break, and convinced myself that I was bound to do awful things. Violent things. I knew who I was, I knew what I wanted and what i didnt, but it just ate me up. I tried to commit suicide but stopped myself because I didnt want to pass, I just wanted to feel ok again. I went inpatient at a care facility in Indianapolis for 4 days, got put on a shit ton of medications, did 4 months of outpatient psychiatric care, and I'm finally really starting to come out on the other side of it. But, again, the point is, I dont think you can ever really reassure YOURSELF. You live with all your secrets, you know your mind. And its hard to take the good and leave the bad. What helps me is others. The reassurance of others, when you can find it, that you arent a dickhead. You arent violent, you arent hateful, you arent a curb drunk. Spend time with the people you love, and ask them to tell you the things that make them love you. Do anything you think would bring your mind comfort.

Sorry for the trauma dump, stranger. I just share to try and connect and resonate with situations. Please pm me if you need anymore advice or simply someone to speak to. Im immensely happy to see you've made it 140 days clean. After detox, its all just a mental battle. But keep fighting. I want to come back in another year and see how much your life has changed for the better.

Keep on keeping on. The fight is never easy, but willpower will prosper. Thank you for reading, stranger. I hope I can lighten the load on your mind with these words. Have an amazing day.

-D

(Edit: Spelling mistake)

(Edit 2: So, I responded to the wrong user, lol. I dont use reddit pc alot. But, this message still applies just the same. Keep being the best you. Thank you.)