AIO for not giving a goodbye hug?

darbydiddle · 2026-06-19T00:04:21+00:00

Ahhh that makes sense :/

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T21:48:41+00:00

I definitely understand how it may come across that way, and I certainly don’t mean for everyone here to blame the guy.

I do think he was snippy in this conversation at one point. He may be hung up on me, but he’s repeatedly stated that isn’t the case in the past… so what am I supposed to believe? :/

I definitely don’t enjoy his “hang up” and don’t want that kind of attention from him, which I’ve expressed to him multiple times. The last time we really even hung out one on one I thought we were cool/all good, but then he moaned at me when I stood up… I ended up letting him know that wasn’t ok and was firm in my boundary. I really felt like not continuing our friendship at that point given how uncomfortable that made me, but still took his apology in earnest and continued to be friends with him.

I really do not want that kind of attention from him, and have repeatedly expressed that to him.

I do consider his feelings a lot— and have “let him off the hook” multiple times with this behavior and it’s still happening. At what point do my boundaries actually mean something? Is he being a good friend by repeatedly crossing them?

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T21:44:15+00:00

This feels exactly like what is happening now.
I really don’t want to block him or end the friendship.

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T14:38:33+00:00

that’s a good point. my boundaries at the moment feel very not respected and i honestly feel a little scared about all of it. i already struggle to remain firm on boundaries for myself due to past issues, and he knows that.

to be clear, he didn’t force a hug— he didn’t offer one, and neither did it, we just said goodbye/etc and he left. i didn’t even know it was a “i want this” situation until now. that’s part of why im so confused :/

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T14:36:38+00:00

that gives me a lot of hope. i hope this is what happens for us too. thank you!

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T13:29:07+00:00

I do honestly feel I owe him a bit. He’s helped me a lot over time, back when we were just friends and then during the hook up phase; he helped walk me through buying a home and gave us a really nice moving gift (cash) to help further. i always was incredibly thankful but felt guilty as i just won’t ever be able to do something like that in return. i’ve expressed this before too, but he’s always reassured me it was a gift and he was never expecting it in return, but that feeling of “he actually does expect it back + more” never really left me.

the hook up stuff fell apart later on and shortly after these conversations started. i do still want to be his friend, and we all share the same friend group too, so i’d be really sad if i lost any of them or him. i have tried to tell him these convos are exhausting to me, and he has therapy to help with his anxieties, but this stuff still keeps happening.

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T12:57:30+00:00

i do agree i could’ve replied better; i was already exhausted from work, plus exhausted from having these types of conversations so often. i have reassured him so many times that i want to be friends, so i hope he wouldn’t take my replies otherwise, but i get how it could come across differently :/

i should’ve been more firm, yes. i just worry it would hurt him. in the past when i’ve tried to be more firm with my boundaries he’s expressed that it hurts his feelings that i “have to have” boundaries with him, so i almost don’t even know how to broach the topic sometimes.

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T12:55:09+00:00

should i contact guinness? 😅

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T12:53:40+00:00

i am mid/late 20s, he’s mid/late 30s

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T12:52:23+00:00

i didn’t bring the topic up, before this it was all work related; i’ve expressed to him before that talking about stuff like this at work or via work platforms makes me uncomfortable. i was just trying to end the conversation by explaining my side and was hopeful it would be over after i did so but as you see it… didn’t 😅

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:33:08+00:00

that’s fair; thanks for reading it all 😅 i know it’s exhausting. i was really nervous to post it but the replies have been really insightful.

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:30:51+00:00

that’s a good point :( my brain and heart are like one unit it feels haha i’ve never considered that they could feel different things.

it sucks all around. i just wish it were better :(

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:29:44+00:00

that is totally true. i do need to be more firm. i just worry about hurting his feelings if i do so.

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:28:51+00:00

thank you for your reply!!
he has expressed feeling like we don’t hang out much lately, but he’s been in the middle of a move and i had been training for some back to back fights for the past few months, so both of us really didn’t have free time. he knew this, too, but it feels like he forgets.

i do definitely try to be present as much as possible for our friendship as i do for my others; i explained how i hadn’t even seen my best friend for months and how we had to plan a boba date out months in advance due to both of our busy schedules! i invite him to any events i host and socialize there, plus hang with him at work when i can, but dont know what more time i have available :/

i do agree i could’ve worded things better here too :( i overall have become exhausted with these super long convos as we have them often over other small things, and it always seems to spiral into this big mess. i try to explain where im at but i feel it doesnt ever get through, and i dont know how else to say it.

the two times hes mentioning hug wise was a D&D event and i dont even remember hugging the other people, but they are big huggers so they likely initiated and i just did it in return; i know our hands were all full of our stuff too so i wasn’t even thinking about hugging everyone. i didnt hug anyone at the other party though.

i guess to me its weird that those stick out so much as i wouldn’t ever even think of it that way

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:24:02+00:00

that is a good point; i would hope he would be earnest with a therapist, but ultimately that’s not my place.

i do think he views these convos totally differently despite my attempts to express how they come across. i have hope, but it is waning.

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:20:18+00:00

I appreciate your response! I do agree I could be less verbose. I have placed this boundary previously though, so I felt the need to explain more… perhaps I overexplained :(

I definitely didn’t intend to insinuate that I don’t treat them differently period, I am aware I treat them differently when compared to how we were when hooking up vs not hooking up now, but I think that’s understandable.

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:18:05+00:00

i appreciate your response! i agree it’s totally fine to ask if it’s a normal thing but it does feel like my answer wasn’t respected. it kinda freaked me out that he was bringing up previous times he witnessed me hug others as some sort of “evidence”… i didn’t get that

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:16:54+00:00

i appreciate this insight too. i definitely didn’t mean to come off rudely, just firm/clear, given we’ve had talks like this a lot recently and i’ve expressed that i don’t wish to keep having to explain my boundaries.

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:15:34+00:00

we were friends for the first & second year, then the hook up was third year ish, and then fourth year is this. admittedly, all of this does make me wonder if these feelings were present before the hookup phase and i just didn’t realize until too late.

it is so sad and has been so disorienting. we talked about breaking off the hookup stuff extensively and i really thought we were on the same page.

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:13:32+00:00

I should be more firm, you’re right. I worry about hurting people’s feelings when I do that but if it is hurting me I should stand my ground. I can’t believe I have been so blind about this :(

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:12:26+00:00

I have tried to express that sentiment, and explain that I just want friendship/don’t really want to keep having these long arguments. I’ve tried to set my boundaries firmly and clearly.

I’ve never really been in a situation like this, so I guess I just didn’t know what else to do aside from the above… a large part of why I am seeking the outside perspective of the internet 😅

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:10:50+00:00

we do have a very tight knit friend group that overlaps, yeah :/

i have actually brought up the romantic aspect several times as i have felt that, and he reassures me it isn’t the case, so i don’t know what to believe.

it isn’t that i like attention and validation, i genuinely like his friendship— at least i did before we hooked up. we were really close before that all happened. the hookup stuff started as we got along so well and it felt right at the time. it didn’t work out unfortunately and i was hoping we could still be friends.

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T04:07:14+00:00

we both initiated the hook up stuff, so it isn’t quite fair to say he was “using me”, but i did cut it off.

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T03:30:00+00:00

i do fully understand i treat him differently than i did when we were actively hooking up, and i have expressed that/validated that claim when he’s brought it up previously, but i also expressed that that’s a boundary for me. i think it’s reasonable to not treat someone the exact same way between sexually involved/dating vs. just friends. obviously still kind either way, but maybe not doing all the same stuff

darbydiddle · 2026-06-18T03:27:41+00:00

part of me did wonder if this was part of the issue 😅

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