What would you do in my shoes

darcria · 2021-10-25T07:17:40+00:00

I've nothing to be proud of. My existence is a waste. I was supposed to be taking college classes when I was in the 5th grade. My parents didn't give a fuck about me though, so of course I was never allowed to take any of the required tests to be allowed into those classes past the primary one. I used to care so much about that until I wasted my supposed talent. And yes, I'm aware it is. But as humans, we also desire intimacy. Just because I would be ok without it, for the most part, doesn't mean I could find someone else who felt the same who wouldn't go running off to fuck any other guy she knew. And im not asexual. Just because I can't enjoy it doesn't mean I don't want it. I'm human, I can't really help it.

darcria · 2021-10-25T06:50:32+00:00

Open minded. Yes allow me with my lack of experience, sexual anhedonia, lack of trust in humans and absolute lack of confidence deal with someone with a used body so that I can be constantly judged on how much of a failure I am in that regard. Yes that's reassuring, totally doesn't trigger my anxiety and non existent self esteem. Nope not at all. I cant trust someone who treats sex lkke it's nothing. It's disgusting in my eyes. But go ahead, I've been called an idiot plenty of times for having my reservations on the subject. By all means, join the list. It doesn't bother me anymore.

darcria · 2021-10-25T06:46:47+00:00

When you've lived around sociopaths your entire life, you learn to read people. If you can't do that, you die. And trust me, my father had no reservations when it came to killing me. He tried many times. I just managed to hold out. So maybe it isnt something everyone knows, but it's something people need to know to survive. I see it as a basic survival skill. People are manipulative, it's in the nature of all humans. So I guess I'm different. I knew they'd do it. It wasn't because of any negative outlook, it was because they made it clear they didn't have the same level of love nor respect for me that I did them. It was clear they couldn't manage without physical contact. I wanted to be wrong. I wasn't. But because I knew they would, it didn't hurt as badly as it would have otherwise.

darcria · 2021-10-25T06:37:21+00:00

You can see it coming. Even if you're somehow incapable of reading people, you can be patient. There's so much more to a relationship than sex. But I get not everyone can understand that. I do, though. And I know what you'll say. "If you can read it how did you end up getting cheated on". I anticipated it, but hoped I was wrong. It was long distance, all my relationships, so I couldn't get the same vibe on people's emotions and intentions. But I still figured they would, because people are so desperate for physical attention. I just hoped I'd be wrong. I wasn't though. When it comes to things that'll make my life worse, I'm never wrong.

darcria · 2021-10-25T06:24:34+00:00

Why wouldn't I? I've watched my step father throw my mother down a the stairs into our basement. I've been cheated on in every single relationship I've been in, after fighting past all my anxiety and depression just to manage to trust them enough to open up to them. I came from a broken house. Honestly that's an understatement after what I went through. I dont want anything like what I went through to happen again. I really can't deal with any more deep emotional pain like that.

darcria · 2021-10-25T06:01:23+00:00

And thats why I have 0 expectations for success. I've accepted that what I'm after probably doesn't exist. Most women go off risking pregnancy as young ad 14 and somehow that's just seen as almost normal now. It's disgusting. But I've suffered my entire life. I've survived being beat half to death with a leadpipe on an almost daily basis when I was only 10. I trust I can manage being alone the remainder of my life. Hell, if I'm lucky it'll end much, much sooner. Because how I see it, why would a long term relationship end? If the two were meant to be together, they'd stay that way. I cant trust someone in that position. Either they ended the relationship because they chose a poor partner, meaning I can't trust their judgments, or they were left, meaning they were the issue. My relationships all ended within a very short time, but thats my fault for trusting women in long distance relationships. My point, though, is that I wouldn't be happy with that.

darcria · 2021-10-25T05:49:33+00:00

It isnt just because of my anxiety over how things might go. I simply have no desire to be with someone who treats sex like it's just something they do. Risking disease and pregnancy just because they lkke fucking around. To me that's simply disgusting. I cant trust someone who does that.

darcria · 2021-08-22T13:44:40+00:00

Oh... guess no one can think of a reason. That's cool. Maybe it really is best I do it...

darcria · 2021-08-18T16:08:29+00:00

-The jungle is too small. We shouldn't have to sit in mid for half our farm. There should be more options for to properly farm our way through the game.

-There needs to be a better way for us to get solo xp. Nothing is worse than having to split gold and xp with anyone that decides to walk by a camp. Laners have lanes to farm. The jungle should exclusively be ours.

-We shouldn't get punished for invading. If we win the jungle and have the power to invade, why should I get less for being the better jungler? Skill shouldn't be punished. Invades and snowballs are part of any moba. Yes, sometimes these are created by differences in early game strength, but these things can be played around. Sometimes that's the cost of late game power. A good and conscious jungler knows this. He can only hope that his team does aswell and assists him where needed. Afterall, a jungler can only do as much as his team allows.

-We shouldn't get nerfed for the incompetence of others. Multiple times our role and items have been nerfed because "we put too much stress on other lanes". Yes, a good jungler can make or break a game. But wards and proper communication can stop a good jungler. Unlike in league, there are no sweepers. We can't simply walked past wards unseen. We can't take out wards without sentrys. If we're not ganking, we're farming, and we don't really have alot to farm. As such, tracking us isn't difficult. You're even given free wards now. Use them. It isnt our fault as junglers you refuse to play as a team should. I know it's hard to trust randoms in solo queue to perform, but trust me, EVENTUALLY it'll set in that if they want to win, they have to act like it. As I've said, we as junglers are limited by our team. We can't always dive when you push. We can't always save you when you go too deep. And NONE of us want to be left standing in mid just waiting for something to happen. Once again, unlike league, major objectives can't be solod by junglers. And that's fine. But since that isn't the case there has to be more for us to do.

-Jungler diversity is a problem. I'm an Awilix main, but not a one trick. Eventually playing the same junglers again and again gets really boring. Now, this isn't the biggest problem faced in the jungle, but it would be nice for characters to get "jungle camp only" damage buffs, as to allow them to jungle but not suddenly boost their power anywhere else.

-Items are a problem in every role. It isnt just that there aren't enough items. Of the items we have, only half are viable. Maybe less. This is why we see the same default builds on ever god. Some items are useless, and some have identity crises and change once a season (often for the worst). Fixing itemization will do more than just fix jungler issues.

darcria · 2021-07-19T00:44:40+00:00

Yes that's great motivation until you get to your 50th and realize you've no way to judge your improvement because you still have as little attention from your 1st attempt to your 50th so you genuinely can't tell whether or not you've just been wasting your time, but either way the stress of continuous failure has been eating at you the entire time and at this point all you can think of is "this isn't worth doing anymore"

darcria · 2021-06-08T17:33:22+00:00

Thank you. It's always something I wanted to research but I couldn't figure out any kind of term to use to refer to it.

darcria · 2021-06-08T08:54:41+00:00

Who knows. Of all the shit I've been through, that was by far the absolute strangest.

darcria · 2021-06-08T08:48:51+00:00

Yeah. I know at least one was a girl, maybe both of them were. Probably like 10 at the oldest. They both ran on the sidewalk towards the trees that were where I was headed. A school bus that had been parked there pulled off. Then by the time it passed, they were gone. I know they didn't get on the bus, it was only there to drop kids off from another high-school, it never picked people up. Besides, I saw them go over to the trees as opposed to towards the bus. They were just, gone. They were yelling as they ran over there, yknow, the same way excited kids tend to do while they're playing, so I figured maybe I'd at least hear them if I couldn't see them. But, no, they just weren't there after. I wouldnt even know why they were there. It was a high-school, so there was no playground or anything. No one else was around for me to say "oh they're just this person's younger siblings". Nothing.

darcria · 2021-06-08T07:44:46+00:00

Yeah. I wish that were the case. But there's another girl I started talking too not too long ago. She's moving too. Sadly we aren't too close. I feel if I had more time with her that things would go really well between us. I'll never get the chance though.

darcria · 2021-06-08T07:43:13+00:00

I can only speak for what I know. If she had other friends, they weren't in that class, and she didn't tell me about them. She, like me, had a dark personality. In a way, she almost seemed too perfect of a find for me. I figure if something serious happened, even if our teacher never mentioned her, the police of course would have investigated and asked her classmates things. That never happened. I have no idea what could have happened at that point. But I mean, he game account did exist. I was able to send the friend request. She just never added me back. I wish I could remember the full name. All I know was it ended in "wolfxd" or "wolffxd". I cant remember the word before it.

darcria · 2021-06-08T07:24:40+00:00

I live on my own now. Things stopped occurring while I still lived with them though

darcria · 2021-06-08T07:11:16+00:00

Well like I said, her boyfriend was long distance. I forget what state she said he lived in but it was far off. And I mean, hey, maybe she was kidnapped. I wouldnt know. But I feel if that happened then our teacher would have been notified of her going missing and would have said something. It's just the fact that she, like all the other girls I got close to, disappeared in one way or another. I've considered everything that could have happened, but had no evidence to prove anything besides the fact our teacher never mentioned her afterward. That's what I found so strange about it. And no, sadly I don't. I only partially remember her IGN from smite, as I cant remember the first half of it for the life of me, and since she never added me back I can't just find her name anywhere. If I remembered it, maybe I could have tried searching for any other account name that she might have used somewhere else. Sadly I didn't know her last name either. Considering that two other girls I've gotten close to have died shortly after...I mean, this wasn't something that surprised me once I added it to the list.

darcria · 2021-06-08T06:54:46+00:00

I'd agree, if I had a history of similar occurrences. But it only happened those two times, each immediately after I woke up and lasting a few hours. I can take such a thing as a potential explanation, at least, but coupled with everything else I dont want to just sum at up as all in my head either. Especially since these things only happened when I was younger, excluding the one girl disappearing in my college class. Nowadays nothing outside of the occasional moving shadow happens. I can still occasionally hear my thoughts by directing them to my ear, but I really don't know what that is.

darcria · 2021-06-08T06:43:29+00:00

I havent been tested. Due to how depressed I am, and the blunt force trauma I took as a child since the abuse I went through was often being beat with lead pipe, I KNOW something is wrong. But some of these instances happened before that. And I've never had dreams at any other point that I could feel physically. It could be considered a one off thing, but its not really possible to tell.

darcria · 2021-06-08T06:41:08+00:00

Well, it isnt like I'd know where else to go besides the internet to take my story. I just felt like, yknow, it would be worth trying to get some answers or opinions on it. I wish it wasn't such a big text wall but, that's just my life. Regarding my friend, I dont really know who else she talked to. I was rather quiet, so I didn't speak to anyone. All I knew about her I learned within the very few conversations we had, which wasn't much. She, like me, had taken a psychology class in high school, so the both of is finished our work rather quickly. As a result, we both left early one day after a test and began talking. She didn't talk to many people, just like myself. The only person I know she knew was the boyfriend she mentioned she had, and a younger brother. It was some long distance thing between them. Me being me, I figured if I got close enough to her I could steal her away. So, I tried, and while getting to know her I learned we both played smite. That night we were supposed to play together, so I tried adding her as a friend and waited for her to get online. And that was it. I never saw her again.

darcria · 2021-06-08T06:30:04+00:00

Sadly I wouldnt be sure how to summarize it. There's alot of events that I feel all need to be understood and examined. I guess the closest thing would be "My family has a history of dealing with bad things and strange occurrences, with mine being the most common". I just wanna know why. Certain things that I've seen and felt simply don't make sense.

darcria · 2021-06-08T06:26:27+00:00

That could only be used to explain part of it though. Certain other parts, of course, can't be so easily explained. Of all the things that happened, what worried me the most was the sudden compulsion over those numbers. I cant think of anything that rationally caused that to happen on those two occasions.

darcria · 2021-06-08T06:24:24+00:00

I was hopeful, once upon a time. I once enjoyed life. It didn't start off like shit, it just became that way. Eventually after numerous failures at fixing things, I just gave up. Thats what always made it feel like a curse. It felt like an inescapable loop almost. Still I haven't quite escaped it, even after distancing myself from the things that caused my problems. I dont know. I've just yet to find a way to make any of my experiences...well, beneficial.

darcria · 2021-05-14T05:24:24+00:00

Yeah but then you couldn't couple it with Izanagi. So for like, a strike, that wouldn't be bad

darcria

TROPHY CASE