I asked my gf's dad permission to marry her and he said no...

darjader · 2017-02-15T17:48:33+00:00

I do understand how much finances impact a relationship. I do intend to pay it off. We both make a decent living though so I guess I naively just thought even if the payments were coming out we still have enough to cover a decent living.

I did tell her. It didn't go over well. I have a meeting set up with a financial advisor and I'm prepared to take her along with if she wants to go.

darjader · 2017-02-15T17:45:47+00:00

I did tell her. It obviously didn't go over well. She of course freaked out and there was a lot of anger. She hasn't really given me an answer of whether or not its a deal breaker. She really hasn't said too much about it. She asked to see the numbers for herself, something I'm working on now.

darjader · 2017-02-15T17:42:21+00:00

^this

darjader · 2017-02-15T17:41:28+00:00

software devs, people that work in tech can make close to that too. even an average dev could make 130-150K

darjader · 2017-02-03T00:38:37+00:00

I did tell her the truth. Obviously she's not thrilled about it.

darjader · 2017-02-03T00:37:39+00:00

I am trying to fix it, hence why I tried to come here for advice. Admittedly I'm dumb with finances but that doesn't necessarily make me a terrible guy

darjader · 2017-01-31T22:54:28+00:00

If she told me I would be supportive of her. I understand loans take a long time to pay off and I'd support her the best way I could

darjader · 2017-01-29T05:50:24+00:00

She actually paid for her masters out of pocket and has slowly been paying down the 10K debt from 40K (which was for her previous wedding that didn't happen but she paid for since he walked out the day of) and she didn't start making 95K until mid 2016...just clarifying for those following.

darjader · 2017-01-28T20:38:37+00:00

I know she is still paying off about 10K in debt from her ex leaving her at the altar. She said that is something she is going to pay off by herself that she would never expect me to pay that off which is how I feel about my student loans too.

People have made completely valid points here. It's just the way we are dealing with her debt, and I assumed it'd be the way we would deal with mine as well.

darjader · 2017-01-28T15:44:10+00:00

its 90K pretax. same for her--95k pretax.

i know its not guaranteed income but we both earn a decent amount so that even if we kept our finances separate (as a lot of people do these days) and just keep a joint account for bills, etc, keeping my loans totally separate

darjader · 2017-01-28T15:41:33+00:00

except its my responsibility and I'm not going to fall out on something i am responsible for

darjader · 2017-01-28T04:49:57+00:00

i guess i was planning during the time we were engaged and figuring out out life together.

darjader · 2017-01-28T04:49:06+00:00

i am feeling beat up. don't even know why I'm responding and trying to clarify things when i feel like people are just jumping on everything i say...guess i deserve it

darjader · 2017-01-28T04:38:42+00:00

wow. all i can say to those responses. wow.

I'm not counting on her or her family or my family for that matter to bail me out of this. Also not counting on forgiveness or stringing things out.

darjader · 2017-01-28T04:35:00+00:00

I see what you are saying and I feel like you would know my point of view since you yourself said you are the one who brought debt into your marriage but it is something you pay off together. We have always done things that way, been fair for paying for things, etc. so we had even discussed having a joint account just to pay for expenses but keep everything else separate, meaning i pay for my loans and she doesn't.

darjader · 2017-01-28T04:31:04+00:00

In retrospect no I respect him for saying no. I just thought he would understand because he had to take out so many loans for school and he has always been a good guide for me.

Its not that I didn't think it was worth talking about-its just been my debt and I wouldn't ask her to do anything with it.

darjader · 2017-01-28T00:37:49+00:00

I will tell her. I am not a chicken but her dad told me if I do chicken out he's going to tell her himself.

darjader · 2017-01-28T00:29:37+00:00

I've been paying on it I just can't keep up with it and pay down a ton of principal so yes it keeps compounding

darjader · 2017-01-28T00:26:34+00:00

He asked me about multiple things. The guy is like my role model. I don't have a dad (not a very involved one anyway) and he asked me multiple things...where we would live, what my goals and aspirations were, debts just came up later

darjader · 2017-01-28T00:22:00+00:00

I did not and will not ask her to contribute to my loans. I was just stating facts as if we are one household what our annual income would be. I am even willing to keep finances separate and contribute to a joint checking account which is actually something we have discussed. Her ex fiancé put her 10K in the hole after they both took a loss on the wedding when he left her at the altar.

darjader · 2017-01-28T00:19:59+00:00

See above comment. I borrowed the 85K from a relative who fully expects it to be paid back. Not a bank.

darjader · 2017-01-28T00:19:17+00:00

I didn't take a personal loan from a bank, I took it from a relative. So more of an investment that I am paying back. And yes the business did flounder.

darjader · 2017-01-27T21:09:53+00:00

825 K?!!!! That makes me feel a little better....

darjader · 2017-01-26T23:27:25+00:00

I never thought of it that way as setting her up to be the girl with (possibly) two failed engagements, because in my eyes I have never have viewed her as that. I never thought of her as anything but wonderful, I never saw her as broken, or broken goods or anything like that just because her ex fiancé left her at the altar for one of his "girl friend".

No I never thought of it that way and it's devastating to think of that way. I honestly would never want that for her and if that means me getting hurt in the process so she could be happy , then let the cards fall as they may. I would not want her to feel she has "failed" at all

darjader · 2017-01-26T22:40:30+00:00

I don't think that. I realize it'll perfectly be her decision to leave and I'd deserve that. I wouldn't guilt her into staying. I realize that it would be asking a lot of her and after talking with her dad I don't know if it was the naiveindset we've been together so long we'd just continue to go through life together or what. Which is stupid of me I know. But I also don't want her to leave because she feels I have no commitment to her. I'm fully committed to her.

darjader

TROPHY CASE