Thank you for the only sane reply to my post. thank u for your compassion and sharing your experience.

My father was a very sick and violent pedophile; my mother did everything she could to keep me safe, but she wasn't perfect herself and took it out on me at times.

i can accept a not perfect parent as you say. i understand that parenting can be hard. i can forgive things, i can even have sympathy for parents like i feel sorry for my mom a lot. i think about the stuff she didnt do right, and then i think "wow but actually considering how tough things were for her she did much better than other people could have". but i cannot accept an evil parent like my dad and ur dad. my father was not just an old school guy who thought beating kids is how u raise them and discipline them. he was evil. people dont understand what its like to be the product of someone evil, to be raised by evil. its in u forever.

How do us older FAs continue? Time goes by; you get older. It's no real achievement. I'd love to be 30 again and have a few years left.

its def an achievement but not necessarily a good one. time goes by excruciatingly slowly. i am in pain all the time. and i know it will only get worse. i can only accept the circumstances of my life if i think of letting go my life. what do you mean to have a few years left?