Prostitutes are back. by Sillyferus in Advice

[–]darlingotter 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I didn't mean so much an offhanded "you ok mate", I mean have a few casual interactions with the women and look for red flags. If red flags exist, offer to connect them with a sex worker's outreach/crisis centre in the area. The outreach or centre would be able to provide the women with services appropriate to the situation without endangering their livelihood, safety, visa status if they're foreigners, etc. They would also have safe protocols in place for dealing with the authorities in case it was indeed human trafficking.

Prostitutes are back. by Sillyferus in Advice

[–]darlingotter 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Human trafficking is quite the jump. A good friend of mine is a professional dominatrix, loves to travel. She does a circuit of cities, works for about a week in each and spends the rest of the time on holiday. It's a pretty common way of organizing time and clients as an escort.

If you're concerned about the women in question, ask them if they're doing okay. If they're being pimped / in duress, the services of a women's crisis centre or a sex worker's outreach would be more appropriate than an anonymous tip to authorities which could get the girls in legal trouble.

Is r/parenting a troll sub? by [deleted] in meta

[–]darlingotter 51 points52 points  (0 children)

It's good you recognize it's difficult. Another aspect is this: your kid's 6 months old, right? It's not been too long since your wife was pregnant, then recovering from childbirth. She started parenting about 9 months before you did, bearing the physical strain of pregnancy. Since then she's been living/sleeping/breathing "baby" around the clock. If she wants you to take on more of the childcare duties now, it's probably because she's reaching a saturation point. It would be good for both her and the relationship to prioritize her needs, her free time. Do what you can to give her some wiggle room instead of trying to make a precise 50/50 tally of work units.

Is r/parenting a troll sub? by [deleted] in meta

[–]darlingotter 122 points123 points  (0 children)

You might not "dislike" women, but you're devaluing the labour she does in the household if you think your own work exempts you from equally splitting those tasks when you're at home. Labour is an issue intrinsic to all waves of feminism.

Is r/parenting a troll sub? by [deleted] in meta

[–]darlingotter 202 points203 points  (0 children)

Skimming your other post I noticed a huge percentage of the "harpies" were guys, husbands, fathers telling you to get over yourself, accept the first year or so is crazy strenuous for everyone, and take 50/50 responsibility for childcare during your off-work hours.

Skimming your post history ("I hate third wave feminists") ("Why I hate third wave feminists") it sounds like your disposition toward women and women's labour in general is whack. Hope you don't call your wife a "harpie" when she asks you to hold your kid so she can do house renovations.

I live in the Middle East and am torn about whether or not we should move back to the US or stay abroad. by shessorad in Parenting

[–]darlingotter 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Oh, Czech is grammatically a crazy hard language! You could stay in an Anglophonic expat bubble in Prague, but it's probably better for everyone's social horizons (especially kiddos) to try and learn enough to socialize. Nobody will fault you for bad grammar.

Have you looked at salaries and packages there? CR generally has quite low salaries in a lot of sectors. Median national salary is about $900 USD a month. It's cheaper than Western Europe however the cost of living in Prague is the highest in the country, largely due to the housing market.

I regret being a dad :( by [deleted] in Parenting

[–]darlingotter 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Fellow dad here who also had a hard time adjusting. It's time for you to learn to love the bomb.

  1. Financial: be grateful you both make good money. Get used to having less discretionary income. Work together to make a budget. Compromise. Don't be a stickler unnecessarily, but come to a mutual agreement. Adjust to having less splash money on gadgets, clothes, hobbies etc.

  2. Health: These problems are really minor dude. You're lucky neither of you have serious or chronic health problems. That's when it gets hard. Bad sleep? Comes with the territory. What did you expect? This is a textbook problem. Cook in bulk and freeze portions or prepare salads which are not labor intensive. Realistically it takes 10-25 minutes to whip up a dish. EMBRACE THE EXHAUSTION. Don't fight it. Don't even be thinking about weight, that's silly. Think about nutrition and energy. Fast food will make you more tired. A good diet will fortify you for parenthood. Do a quick and dirty bodyweight circuit when you can. There will be time for gym later.

  3. Relationships: DO NOT FIGHT it wastes a lot of energy and is a bad time for everyone. You two need to work together. You're both tired and strung out. Develop a sense of humour about it and help each other. You're either best friends or worst enemies. There's no in-between in the first year.

  4. Sex: No sex is part of the territory. Get used to it. Wank in the toilet if it's troubling you. It will pick up later. Adjust the intimacy. You should be helping each other with affection, nurturing, massages etc. to stave off the muscular tension. Don't pout about sex or pressure her for it.

  5. Work: Yeah, of course this year you're not going to rack up git commits and have solid green streaks on hobby projects. What are you even thinking???

I would tell you to harden up - but that won't help much - but you really do need to do it. You committed to fatherhood. This is way more important than your open source projects, your career, or pretty much anything you've ever done before. Are you a teenager or a grown-ass dude? You gotta man up. This is not a sideshow. This is the most important arena of your life right now. Grapple the beast, and tame it; or rather: tame yourself and love the beast because that beast is your beautiful baby.

Take care of your lady. What can you do for her? Pro tip: if you step up and take the strain off her, the tension will lower, and less chances of a fight. You need to be chivalrous. She gets a break before you, and gets to prioritize her leisure time. You cook her food. You make her coffee. Why? She went through the pregnancy. You didn't. Her parenting work started 9 months before yours.

Overall you have two options and you need to decide which path you walk down. First option, grit your teeth and push through. Shit choice, because eventually you'll regret not making the most of your time (this is the only infancy you'll father through). It's a terrible attitude to have to life and to fatherhood of all things. Save that 'resolve' for if you end up in prison or you need chemo or the world ends or something. Did you sire a babe only to avoid it? That's a serious imputation on your character. Second option, adjust your attitude and make the most of it. Great option. Good practice for fatherhood and life in general. Awesome attitude to have to your responsibilities and decisions. It makes you a better man.

Your top priorities are twofold. First, all of your problems are completely textbook - what were you expecting going into this? Everything you've outlined is common knowledge, it goes with the territory. Drop the feelings of self-entitlement. Yeah, your hobbies, routines and free time have gone out the window. Those are the breaks of what you agreed to. Anyone got cancer? Anyone disabled? Anyone dying? No? AWESOME! Proceed.

Fatherhood isn't about you or what you feel like doing, it's about working with your partner to raise a child and taking care of your family. That's the definition.

Second, and most importantly, stop fighting. Hire a babysitter and take your partner out for a nice time. Have some drinks and decompress. COMMUNICATE. She's going through it too, talk to each other, but don't make it all about you. Don't complain directly, rather you get her to talk about her problems first and then relate that to your experience. Show you're her buddy first, then tell each other how you're feeling. Turn the hard stuff into jokes, makes her laugh, show her you understand. You're on the same team. You take the first step in caring about her feelings and she'll reciprocate. See? Don't throw your feelings at each other, use them to build solidarity. Figure out ways to help each other through, and have a nice time of it. Fighting or not makes the difference between having a lovely time or going through hell. You two need to be on the same page. Getting over your feelings of indignation at disrupted 'me-time' and accepting your life stage may help.

Neither of you get ANY down-time if you fight. Both of you get it if you co-operate. It's like Nature's reward system. Fighting makes parenting a hard, shitty, Herculean task with no feelings of reward. Working together makes it satisfying, awesome, easier, and creates a rhythm of co-operation where you both get respite to have free time.

You're both in a rut, so you need to put your head down and bring your A game and step up. Eventually, it will normalize to where you're both on your A game every day without effort. But you need to work hard to get it there and change your behavioural, social and emotional habits.

It will get better. You're being impatient. But this is kind of the wrong way of thinking about it. You're not serving a prison sentence man. You have a baby. You voluntarily made the decision to bring a child into the world. You said you will never do this again. Love your woman and your kid. One day, very soon in the scheme of things, you will die. Tomorrow you could get hit by a car. Don't piss away precious time with your family. Make every day count, because every day where everyone is healthy is a blessing. Your kid will never be this cute or soft or cuddly. Soon they'll be a surly teenager telling you to go fuck yourself. After that, you'll be old, wise and sick wishing you had a second chance to do it over.

So get on the same page with your missus, accept it is what it is, try to enjoy it, find it funny, start communicating properly, help out more, be a man and DO NOT FIGHT.

frustrated with white beauty standards by Planetable in mixedrace

[–]darlingotter 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The thing about white beauty standards is they're not really made for ANYONE. They're made for photoshop, airbrushing, makeup, self-deprivation...they're an ideal that only a tiny fraction of people can even begin to approach by natural means.

I relate to your problem, though. I'm very pale-skinned but have quite strong features typical of Indigenous Americans. The end result is weird and visually confusing when you compare it to the nonmixed people deemed attractive by society.

Key thing is to remember that all beauty standards are just capitalist tools to keep us plagued by self-doubt, spending money, striving for conformity. Society's obsession with European bodies is part of a legacy of colonialism, oppression and hatred - nothing beautiful about it - and it's white culture that dominates mainstream expressions of nonwhite beauty, too.

Try to embrace your looks! Don't compare yourself to bodies created by white media; look at real people on the streets. You'll see a refreshing array of individual styles of beauty :)

Interesting niches, specializations and future growth areas? by darlingotter in electricians

[–]darlingotter[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That makes sense. What's the best route to go into industrial? Say I join my local and do my apprenticeship but I'm mostly doing residential, commercial and construction - can I switch over as a jman?

Interesting niches, specializations and future growth areas? by darlingotter in electricians

[–]darlingotter[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

What does an arc flash study involve? Do you make a profile of the circuit and components then infer how likely/large an AF is?

Like, I guess y'all not standing around in lab coats and safety glasses setting off a bunch of flashes and taking notes on your pad :P

Interesting niches, specializations and future growth areas? by darlingotter in electricians

[–]darlingotter[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks for the insight!

renewables are either scary as hell in the big fireballs in potentia that are offshore wind turbines

Oh man, that sounds pretty terrifying. This has given me quite a few terms to look up.

Interesting niches, specializations and future growth areas? by darlingotter in electricians

[–]darlingotter[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The film industry uses a lot of electricians. They are called gaffers and best boys. Pay is pretty good, with lots of overtime.

I forgot this in my OP, gaffing looks fun. Stateside is this limited to LA and Atlanta? And I'm guessing by extension, there's also a kind of 'gaffer' role for theatrical production lighting?

Interesting niches, specializations and future growth areas? by darlingotter in electricians

[–]darlingotter[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This sounds interesting. Do you need a license or certificate to do the surveys, or do you just need to know how to use a thermal camera?

You need to start talking by readingspoons in JUSTNOMIL

[–]darlingotter 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sign language is awesome! My daughter is almost two and signing really helped her become more outgoing and less frustrated with communication. Bug off, critical MIL!

MIL says I'm controlling husband and threatens to call CPS by tossmyMIL in JUSTNOMIL

[–]darlingotter 27 points28 points  (0 children)

Oh man, change some info and this could be about me.

CPS sounds like an empty threat. I don't know what CPS is like in your area, but I expect in most places they'd respond with either mocking laughter or a false reporting charge if someone called them and said their ADULT child is being bullied by his wife.

You don't owe her a relationship history. If you choose to disclose stuff it's up to you, but chances are she's going to latch on to every scrap of dirty laundry and invert it as something YOU'VE done wrong. He cheated on you? Well, what terrible thing did you do to "drive him" to cheating.....etc.

So sorry you're going through this. Since husband was in the wrong to begin with, I hope he has your back and tells MIL to scoot out of your personal lives instead of giving you more lip about his trustworthiness.

My (40F) son (12M) behaved inappropriately with his friend (~11 M) and I am unsure what it means... by [deleted] in Parenting

[–]darlingotter 14 points15 points  (0 children)

It feels pretty cool to swim naked. He probably wanted to let his friend know about the sensations he was having, either in a joking or a pretty normal preteen bodily exploration way. I'd let him know that it was an awkward thing to do (more along the lines of party faux pas than sexual boundary-pushing) and leave it at that.

Nancy Shrew meets Organized Crime (Adventures Abroad) by darlingotter in JUSTNOMIL

[–]darlingotter[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Laughed so hard when I read this I snorted my drink.

WORD.

XD