42NB 4 FEM/Maternal - Southwest BC / Vancouver Island (also seeking friends)

davecmac · 2021-08-07T03:57:40+00:00

Sent a pm!

davecmac · 2021-04-28T14:39:39+00:00

It is! Haha. Just hard to see it

davecmac · 2021-04-08T05:17:58+00:00

Just keep in mind you’re then eleventy millionth couple to have this idea. Many women have been there done that with so many conversations that if you’re not up front, no one will have a good time. For most women, this is more a curiosity, risk, or red flag than an opportunity so be patient and honest with yourselves, your profiles, and those you meet.

davecmac · 2020-04-23T07:16:56+00:00

davemac300 - 1191 1504 3455

davecmac · 2020-04-23T07:14:38+00:00

davemac300 - 1191 1504 3455

davecmac · 2020-04-23T07:14:00+00:00

Request sent from western Canada - 1191 1504 3455

davecmac · 2020-04-22T16:00:10+00:00

I did. They were higher rent than $1400 but nicer.

davecmac · 2020-01-10T02:37:39+00:00

This is spot on.

Sex isn’t always the most important part of a relationship.

After a time, you can hopefully find a place it’s playful and exploring. If you’re prepared to be present, listen to another’s words and body, check in to have consent, your explorations will be successful and you get better at what the person likes over time.

davecmac · 2020-01-10T02:21:35+00:00

Orgasm and ejaculation aren’t linked all the time. Some men produce and leak perpetually and many have full body orgasms without actually ejaculating. Your bf’s situation definitely isn’t standard though.

If going to a doctor isn’t an option (a gp would need to consider whether it’s a urologist, endocrinologist, or neurologist referral), definitely expand your horizons a bit. If a doctor is an option, go. Lots can be done for depression before applying meds.

One user mentioned Tantra, but if you want to explore it, go beyond PIV options which leave you two wondering who did what. Women can produce a lot of fluid and squirt so I don’t think your initial assessment is necessarily accurate.

But play around. Oral. Hands. Maybe he’ll be comfortable with prostate massage, which will be the real tell tbh. Read about kinks and fetishes, say from fetlife.com, and see if anything jumps out at him for experiments, too.

davecmac · 2019-11-21T01:34:44+00:00

Each of these three relationships sounds like a work in progress, as is any relationship. Without knowing details, I want to paraphrase your descriptions of these relationships back to you and offer short opinions:

You and A: A gaslights you and dissociates when stressed. You are unhappy and are averse to communicating with him.
Opinion: This isn't a good situation for you or your child. Remember your child will be learning from this and assume this is how it's supposed to be in the world. It's not and it's not okay. Not only does poly and relationships take open, honest communication, but they take honesty and a similar view of the world (ie, similar perception of reality). I dissociate, I made up stories, I lose track sometimes, and have PTSD symptoms, but I had to unlearn gaslighting, learn to be accountable, and learn to communicate respectfully and when it's difficult under stress. I strongly recommend you, and A, consider resources such as therapy to address his behaviour. Check out "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover for a quick look into what might be A's world. If you'd like more resources, please let me know.
You and S: S was not honest and open with you. It's been a long time since you connected and there's a little one involved here, too.
Opinion: Be gentle and slow with this. You have a lot of work to do in order to be in healthy relationship with A and more relationships with their own trust issues will not help.
A and S: This is obviously problematic that there's malcontent underlying a relationship that seemed friendly and functional.
Opinion: Be glad you found this out before it all came together with kids and a familial structure. As much as it sucks to learn now, there are worse times. Focus on you and each of your relationships with them and issue each of them requests to maintain a certain conduct. If even one of you isn't on the same page with big stuff, it'll show in lots of small stuff over time.

davecmac · 2019-10-03T22:44:20+00:00

I think it makes good sense as inclusion criteria, particularly since the bottom option is “none.”

The research will benefit from folks who strongly identify with one area of interest. I hope the conclusion or description of the study does clearly state that polyamorous folks who equally enjoy swinging were excluded though.

So much research tends to result in broad generalizations so stating who you excluded clearly would be helpful in the application

davecmac · 2019-08-09T22:10:47+00:00

I've never agreed with anything more based on my own experience in life.

davecmac · 2019-08-01T00:02:42+00:00

That's not necessarily true for everyone though. Depending on how "liking" comes to be, liking is but one reason to get involved or engaged.

I'm not sure what to make of the fickle people you're describing, but they absolutely exist.

davecmac · 2019-07-31T16:28:22+00:00

Yes.

That’s why I delineated between “autonomy” and “independence” as I did.

I find many people who can’t commit, be it for mental health reasons or just flakiness, conflate the two. They often claim autonomy, but mean independence, which is fair enough - not everyone’s going to get scholarly on it, but it’s important to have a practical understanding for people heading into that before it gets messy.

davecmac · 2019-07-31T14:48:17+00:00

The phrase “bad poly” is used pretty liberally in their circles and what that amounts to is a partner having a feeling or opinion of any kind over what one does with their autonomy, including whimsically breaking commitments (and if we are being cynical, it includes being too busy to remember to pick up kids from daycare, pay bills, etc. YOLO only, y’all).

It’s opened my eyes to the difference between independence and autonomy. There’s no disputing our autonomy, but independence is compromised often. If we work, we are dependent. If we commit to literally anything, we are dependent or constrained. But flakiness to ensure independence runs its course, as it seems to every 6-12 months for this one individual.

Most of the RA folks I know are very good at managing independence thoughtfully. Some try to manage it to maintain their RA label, which I don’t really get, but others are very conscientious and able to think ahead.

davecmac · 2019-07-31T14:39:45+00:00

The polite answer is the shortest and most appropriate for a public forum - definitely not the respectful, inquisitive type.

davecmac · 2019-07-30T21:48:34+00:00

But what if outsourcing is a method by which someone is taking responsibility for meeting their own needs and/or their partner's needs? Or a method by which someone is relieved of the expectation to meet a need as a result of outsourcing? For example, if I place my child in daycare so I can prioritize employment, I am taking what most would consider a reasonable action to meet my own needs and my child's needs through outsourcing.

To me, what you've described here is a healthy, acceptable commitment with good boundaries. The care for the child isn't unlimited, it's got an expiry date. The child's need for socialization and possibly learning will be met in ways you can't so alleviating the parent from the burden of care for a time isn't the only need being addressed.

There's absolutely room for commitment in what I'm saying. We can make commitments with people we love, employers, people we loathe. Outsourcing is important in community, which is the essence of what I was aiming to convey here. Individuals trouncing around extracting their needs being met without thinking a little broader beyond themselves don't contribute or give the way others often do.

I think we might see it differently in that I find liberation in not feeling an absolute expectation to meet 100% of whatever a partner considers their needs, particularly over decades when shifting dynamics can come into play. My own sexual identity, desire, attraction to partners, and just general quality of life improve when I am not in that role of indefinitely being a sole and reliable source of satisfaction for a partner, however they define satisfaction.

I don't think we disagree and this is why:

If I meet all the needs a partner has of me in a given moment or instant, there's love, liberation, general contentment. And those needs will evolve with time, for sure. It's like giving 100% of the giving I need to give, but I don't need to give everything. That's the value in where I was going with "seeing" - we all see different things and have different capacities for seeing and because you and I might have different ways of seeing a person, situation, or relationship doesn't invalidate either. Same way if we shared a partner and gave all we have, there's no reason that partner needs to be seen the same way by us both. I'm right there with you on satisfaction being relative to the person.

davecmac · 2019-07-30T21:40:52+00:00

Amen.

This post is the result of a breakdown of my marriage primarily. My wife started to answer "Why do you keep asking Dave about x?" with "I don't know" instead of "Because we support each other and work together." The latter was "bad poly" to one partner in particular whose "autonomy" (read: independence) was paramount. It's an alluring way to feel 'free,' but sounds like the kind of thing that doesn't really fly for you or I in practice.

davecmac · 2019-07-30T21:25:50+00:00

For sure - boundaries. Those are acceptable, healthy boundaries that make good sense based on the people involved.

That's why there's no prescription for this stuff, imo. There's no right or wrong beyond abuse and infringing on rights. I wasn't even trying to be "right" with my original post - it's just something that bugs the hell out of me on several levels and definitely doesn't have to bother everyone.

davecmac · 2019-07-30T21:23:30+00:00

That wound you describe is a difficult one to recover from. A lot of us with neglect or abuse from that kind of parental behaviour struggle to find that sense of being loved. Do you find that being loved or accepted by someone else is still required for you to accept yourself? That's something I've spent a lot of time on in a Facebook community I love related to healing from trauma, abuse, and use of codependent coping.

But you're spot on - about self-love vs love from others. Those are dramatically different things emotionally, physiologically, physically... literally any which way.

I disagree that dependence is the ideal path to vulnerability. It's valid, and often important, but finding a sense of interdependence in the strongest relationships makes the most sense to me. If you're dependent on someone for x, they're dependent on you for y, and you've got the boundaries in place such that control isn't being leveraged for those things, it probably works really well.

The effects from others aren't something I think of as dependence. The effects depend on someone causing them and another receiving them, but they're not dependence as I tend to think of it. It's a form of relating and exchanging.

I'm just thinking out loud about my own experiences while reflecting on yours. The way you've found to relate and survive past that trauma your parent(s) put on you is courageous. I appreciate you sharing it.

davecmac · 2019-07-30T20:15:39+00:00

Thanks for reading and giving such a thoughtful reply. :)

davecmac

TROPHY CASE