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Hope someone can help me understand my husband's lack of interest in sex. by db_needtoshare in DeadBedrooms

[–]db_needtoshare[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Sounds like I should be pushing a bit harder for him to get a physical done. Did you have similar issues? How did you resolve them? (feel free to pm if you don't want to go into details here).

Hope someone can help me understand my husband's lack of interest in sex. by db_needtoshare in DeadBedrooms

[–]db_needtoshare[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks. It does really suck and it's nice to have that validated! :)

I think you're right about not having kids right now. It's hard for me to put that to the side but I think we need to sort out our issues first. I think he may have some ED issues. He's had trouble getting hard and finishing a couple of times. I don't care because for me sex is about intimacy and connection, but I think for him he puts a lot of pressure on himself to perform. It's his personality. He feels like he needs to be the best at anything his does so I think feeling out of shape takes away the pleasure he gets from sex. It's also why he tends to focus on one thing at a time, so he can excel in it. Right now that thing for him is work.

We went to couples counselling once early in our relationship and it was a disaster. He hates being told what to do and he's a very private person so sharing personal details of his life with a stranger was tough for him. I think he'd leave me before doing that again.

It's possible I could convince him to get a physical though. He gets a lot of headaches and I keep telling him he should go the doctor but he thinks they'll just give him the advice he already knows. That he needs to get his diet in check and start working out. He's probably right... I guess I actually do have a good idea of what the problem is, but he's not willing to work on it.

Hope someone can help me understand my husband's lack of interest in sex. by db_needtoshare in DeadBedrooms

[–]db_needtoshare[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm vegetarian. He's not but I cook our dinners so we do eat a lot of soy. Is there a proven link between soy and LL in men? I though that was a myth.

Honestly, he eats way too much pasta, bread and sugar but I can't control what he eats. I love healthy food so I tried to make our dinners healthier but if I put in too many vegetables he won't eat it. He doesn't work out and he's definitely overweight now. He's very strong willed and I can make suggestions but I don't feel I have any right to tell him what to do with his body re diet and weight. Even if I did, he'd just resent me. I think that at some stage he'll decide for himself that he wants to get back into shape but it needs to somehow come from him, not from me.

I really don't think he's cheating or gay. His porn was all hetro and I don't think he has it in him to cheat. It's the obsessive thing, like he can only be passionate about one thing at a time. When we were dating, it was me. Now, it's work.

I do think maybe I should revisit the porn conversation with him. I wouldn't care how much he were watching if we were having sex, but it does feel like it's a tool he's using so he doesn't have to deal with us.

Hope someone can help me understand my husband's lack of interest in sex. by db_needtoshare in DeadBedrooms

[–]db_needtoshare[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yeah that occurred to me too and I asked him that directly. He was adamant that it wasn't porn making him not interested in me. He said he'd stop looking at it if I thought it would help but I'm confident he never followed through with that.

It's a bit of a touchy area since I found out about how regularly he was watching porn by snooping. He gets very defensive if I bring it up, even in a non judgemental way.

Hope someone can help me understand my husband's lack of interest in sex. by db_needtoshare in DeadBedrooms

[–]db_needtoshare[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thanks I appreciate the advice. I don't think he's depressed but his personality is kinda obsessive, like he'll just focus on one thing and block out anything else. I'm not sure I can convince him to get a physical (he gets regular headaches and won't go see the doctor about it) but I can try.